No Complications
by heyamber
Summary: Bella and Edward, best friends for more than a decade, encounter a sudden change in their relationship when Edward becomes curious. When he asks for no complications, Bella agrees. The only thing is that it does get complicated.
1. one

**Characters borrowed from S. Meyer**

Chapter 1

**Bella – Aug. 2013**

"Edward, hurry up, we're already so late," I whined as I plopped onto his bed. He was rifling through his dresser for the perfect pair of pants.

"That's the point," he said, comparing two pairs side by side.

I resisted the urge to groan and flopped back onto his mattress. "You realize this is just dinner, right? There's no need to put this much time into your outfit."

He ignored my plea and shoved a beanie onto his head.

"Could I pull this off?"

"It'll do, let's go. Did you pick up the wine I asked you for?"

I bounded off the bed toward the kitchen and listened for his steps behind me. The article in question was sitting neatly in a tall clear bag, ready for toting.

"Good boy," I teased, patting him on the cheek good-naturedly before reaching for my keys. His hand flew to mine.

"B, stop it. You know the rules," he chided as he grabbed the keys and held out my coat.

I let him help me into my jacket and grumbled, "Just because I know the rules doesn't mean I have to like them." He chuckled and pulled me closer by the lapels of my coat. I closed my eyes at the touch of his lips against my forehead.

Edward's personal fashion show had made us forty five minutes late to dinner, which was nothing new.

"Look who decided to show up! It's literally a five minute drive and you're still the last ones here," Ben smirked when he saw us. Everyone cheered as we walked in and Edward took the sarcastic praise in stride, bowing to everyone. I opted for an eye roll as I pushed the bottle of wine over to Ben's fiancée.

I met Ben Cheney and Angela Weber in high school back in Forks. Theirs was a high school sweetheart love story. They'd known from the first moment they met that they'd spend the rest of their lives together. Today, seven months to their wedding and in a newly purchased home, they're kind of the definition of 'having your shit together'.

"This guy took forever to get dressed."

"She wouldn't let me out of bed," he stage whispered, causing the entire room to erupt into whistles and catcalls.

"Oh shut up."

"Finally coming to your senses huh, Edward?" Edward's twin sister, Alice Cullen, questioned, standing to give us both hugs.

"That's not true, nothing happened," I corrected, resulting in a round of boos from the group.

Besides myself and Edward, Ben and Angela had invited Alice, Jasper Hale, Rosalie Hale, and Emmett McCarty.

Jasper and Alice had started dating in their final year at university. When Alice came back to Washington, she brought Jasper with her, and he'd been a part of the family ever since. Everyone was happy for Alice. She had badly needed someone on her side at that point in her life, and Jasper was the perfect savior. He had helped bring her back to us, and that was something I would be forever grateful for.

Rosalie was Jasper's younger sister, who had moved to Washington with him to get away from their parents. She was a couple years younger than the rest of us. She had transferred to the University of Washington where she met Emmett, Edwards best guy friend from high school and ever faithful partner in crime.

"You're the worst Bells, just go out with the guy already!" Jasper shouted and everyone started to cheer again.

"She's got much better prospects than me, trust me. Besides, I make it a point no to date brunettes who can kick my ass," Edward said as he moved quickly out of my swinging range.

That didn't stop me. I attempted to hit him anyway.

"Edward, you'd be lucky to go out with Bella," Rosalie spoke up in a clipped tone, and I noticed the hand that Jasper laid on her leg.

Rosalie and Edward were never close. They'd made public knowledge of their distaste for each other, Rosalie citing Edward as a self-absorbed asshole, while he considered her a vapid sorority girl.

"Gross, it would be like dating my sister. She's my dearest friend but I'd have to have a certain level of attraction to someone to date them. Sorry sis," Edward shot me a sarcastic smile.

Even though my heart ripped, my stomach flipped. Because this asshole was kind of the love of my life, and I wasn't even on his radar.

"You know you have an actual sister, right?" Alice remarked, unamused.

"I know, but I try my best pretend you don't exist."

"Maybe if you just dated Bella then you wouldn't have to worry about confusing yourself."

"How do we always end up talking about this?" I groaned.

Just like Edward and Rosalie's hate for each other, everyone knew about my feeling for him, but not one person in the room could deny that I was the exact opposite of the girls he dated. Where I exuded love that went beyond reason for the man, Edward exuded just as much charm and sex appeal to every woman that wasn't me. Not to say that he didn't love me too, but pursuing a romance with me had just never seemed to concern him.

I'd rather have a platonic part of him than nothing at all.

"Who's ready for dinner?" Angela asked as she stood to guide everyone to the table, diffusing the palpable tension that had taken hold of the room. Ben helped her table the food and we all began to serve ourselves, after which the conversation flowed pretty easily. Topics like my pathetic crush on Edward were abandoned in favor of things like work and the weather, and Ben and Ang's looming nuptials.

"Everything's great!" Angele smiled from ear to ear when asked how the planning was going. "We're making some really good plans. Ben just found the DJ we're going to use and we have the invitations-"

"The important question is when is the food tasting?" Emmett cut in. "I need to be in on that."

I rolled my eyes, "God Emmett, it's a tasting not a dinner invitation. You can't go."

Emmett pouted, "I'm in the wedding party, I should be there."

"Hold on," Edward dropped his fork, "he's one of your groomsmen? What the hell, I thought I was going to be in the wedding."

Ben scoffed, "Fuck off, Edward. You don't really want that. You can't commit to anything."

Edward clutched his chest in mock pain, "Right through the ticker."

"You can go to the tasting, Emmett," Angela smiled politely, placing a hand on his arm. He smiled with a mouthful of food and she recoiled, disgusted.

"Gross."

Edward ignored Angela and Emmett and spoke up again, "It's fine, groomsmen have to do too much work anyway. I need to focus on my real mission…"

"Celebrating our holy matrimony?" Angela asked sarcastically.

"Bagging the hottest chick I can find." Edward flashed her a smile and the women at the table groaned.

"Gross," Angela repeated while a round of high fives passed between the guys. Ben lowered his hand quickly at Angela's withering gaze.

The lump that formed in my throat at his words seemed insurmountable.

I took in a deep breath to steady myself.

_He can do whatever he pleases. He doesn't belong to you._

It was true, but that never made it hurt any less.

The chatter had picked up again before I could gain focus. "Restroom break. Back in a sec," I said before I dropped my napkin on my half empty plate and headed for the bathroom down the hall.

I didn't miss the way Alice and Rosalie exchanged a pained look.

I didn't want to pine after Edward like this. I hated that he unknowingly had so much power over my emotions. The simplest little mention how he didn't see me romantically was always a reminder of how I never stood a chance with him. The first time I remember even having feelings was at the beginning of our junior year of high school, when someone had brought to my attention how completely ignorant I was to the number of guys in my class that had a crush on me. I hadn't even realize that Edward was my world until other people had started to invade.

oOo

_"Hey B, I have a question for you," Edward called. I looked up from my textbook to see him peeking at me over the enormous stack of books I'd curated from the shelves of the school library._

_"Step into my office," I offered, pushing my school supplies aside. He plopped down beside me and my stomach flipped as his body weight rested against mine._

_"Would you maybe, possibly want to go to the movies with me tonight?"_

_I rolled my eyes to cover my embarrassment at having to have this conversation_ again. _My parents had never really let me go out with boys alone, even if it was Edward. They'd kept pretty true to their long standing, no-datng-until-you're-sixteen rule. My birthday was in less than a month but my dad refused to make any exceptions, determined to squeeze out every last day of enforcement that he could._

_"I mean, I'd love to but you know how serious my parents are about the whole going out with guys alone thing," I scoffed. Edward knew that better than anyone._

_"Well we wouldn't be alone. It's actually a double date. Leah and Jake would be going as well," he explained._

_"A date?" _

_"Yeah, a date. Movies, popcorn, maybe a slushy," he chuckled._

_"Fine," I said cooly. "Pick me up, and don't call it a double date, my parents would flip."_

_"Yes ma'am, I'll be there at six. I figured everyone would want to catch an earlier show since it's a school night and everything."_

_I smiled and bumped his shoulder, "Sounds great. I'll be ready."_

_He bumped my shoulder back and left the library. I didn't see him again until that night. _

_Our small talk while standing in line at the box office was normal, comfortable even. Edward said something stupid and I punched him in the chest, he placed his hands on my shoulders and massaged playfully as we argued about anything we could. At first I was nervous because I'd never been on a double date, or a date period, but I quickly realized that I shouldn't have been worried because I'd never an awkward moment with Edward. He was my best friend, and going on dates with your best friend was kind of awesome._

_"Edward?" a voice called from behind us. It was Jacob Black, a classmate of ours standing with a girl who I had never seen before but assumed to be Leah._

_"Perfect timing, guys," Edward said, __leaving me to extend a handshake to Jake before hugging Leah tightly._

_We're trying to decide what we want to see. Bella says _The Forgotten, _I say _Resident Evil_." _

_"Resident Evil," Leah and Jake said in unison._

_"Three against one, B. Sorry," he smirked, and I couldn't help but roll my eyes at him._

_"Oh, by the way," Edward spoke up again, "Bella this is Leah. Leah, my best friend Bella."_

_"So this is the famous Bella," Leah smiled, pulling me into a hug that was way too familiar of someone who I had just met. "Eddy has told me so much about you!"_

_"He has?" I asked, pulling away and arching my eyebrow at him. Leah went back to his side and he immediately wrapped his arm around her. She reached up and grabbed his hand over her shoulder, entwining their fingers._

_My eyebrows shot up as the realization hit me._

_Edward wasn't asking me out on a date, he was asking me to come with him to be someone else's date. Jake's date._

_Edward beamed, "Of course. I want my girlfriend and my best friend to get along. I had to give her some kind of warning."_

_Everyone laughed and I chuckled lightly, using my refocus of attention on Jake as the perfect excuse to look away from the happy couple standing before me._

_"Hi, Bella," Jake said, looking at me shyly._

_"Hi, Jake," I responded, pulling him into a hug. His chest was the perfect place to hide my embarrassment at my misunderstanding. Thinking back on it, Edward had never said that he wanted to go on a date with _me. _Could I technically be mad at him about it?_

_I decided that I could, and I spent the rest of the night keeping my distance from him. Not only did I feel like a fool, I also unknowingly agreed to a date with a guy that I would never have feelings for._

_The rest of the date went well, relatively speaking. Despite having to catch Edward and Leah making out during most of the movie, Jake's arm had taken permanent residence around the back of my chair. I felt like I was going to burst from anxiety. I hated that he so casually clung to me, that social norms forced me into sharing my popcorn with him, and that he asked for one straw in the slushy instead of two. Even more than that, I hated that he thought we were really on a date._

_By the time everyone had said their goodbyes I was in a foul mood. I tried my best not to act moody with Jake and Leah. After all, they weren't the ones who had tricked me into this date. It was Edward, and he was the person my wrath was focused on._

_Any of his attempts to talk to me after we got in the car fell on deaf ears. I pretended to fall asleep on the way back to avoid talking to him. When he dropped me off he tried to walk me to my door but I brushed him off, saying that I didn't want him to have to leave the warm car._

_I remember spending the rest of that week on my own, making sure to avoid both Edward and Jake. Eventually I got over it. The longer Edward was with Leah the more I realized that I wanted him. It hurt that he didn't want me but I realized that I could live with it._

_oOo_

After that, there were other things that kept us apart. More importnat things

oOo

_Edward and Leah dated the rest of junior year. When he would come to me with their problems I would selfishly take comfort in the fact that even though they were together, they were far from perfect. And after all the drama that inevitably comes with high school relationships, they ended right before the summer started._

_My relief was brief, however, because Jane had taken over his life by the start of senior year. They only lasted a few months but in that span of time there had been a pregnancy scare and a run in with her parents that ended the relationship. Something about their daughter being cussed out by her high school boyfriend hadn't gone over well with them._

_Go figure._

_Turns out the baby wasn't even his. Big surprise there. I had warned him on more than one occasion to be wary of her, but it took her actual baby's father to come out and admit their shenanigans before Edward saw the light._

_And when he was heartbroken, I was there to console him. _

_The rest of the year was quite, but in the summer before college, the unthinkable happened. I was spending the weekend with Alice and Edward because their parents were out of town at a medical convention for his father, Carlisle. We spent the weekend as careless teenagers on the brink of adulthood, drinking in the last few moments of the carelessness that childhood provided._

_It was a Saturday night that we got the news out at First Beach via phone call to Alice's cell. She stepped away to take a call and came __back crying and stammering, her words unintelligible._

_"Mom and dad," she managed to sputter out behind a waterfall of tears. She was collecting her purse and I dialed in to her in just enough time to hear wail the words _car accident.

_"What do you mean, car accident?" Edward's voice broke as he ran after Alice, who was already running back to the car. When she dropped the keys in the sand and dropped to her knees to frantically look for them, I knew I should be the one to drive. _

_I took them to their grandparent's house in Port Angeles where we learned that Carlisle and Esme had been hit by a drunk driver on their way back to Forks. Carlisle had been pronounced dead on the scene, and Esme was in critical condition. __By the time we made it to the hospital, it was too late._

_After the funeral, everything had changed. _

_Alice was withdrawn and Edward thought that meant he needed to compensate by taking on an exuberant personality. Alice went off on scholarship to the University of Houston on a full ride to get away from it all while Edward stayed behind to help his grandparents close out the loose ends of his parents' lives._

_I offered to defer a year and stay with him, but both he and my parents had refused to let me._

_"It's not your responsibility to take care of me. You can't put your life on hold just because mine has fallen apart."_

_I reluctantly went off to Washington State, which was eight hours inland, but we always kept in close contact._

_By sophomore year, Edward acted so differently that I could hardly recognize him. Thankfully, he had opted to join me at university and by then he'd long dropped his exuberant facade. When he came to terms with everything he became deeply unhappy, not only at the death of his parents but at the realization that he'd lost some of the best time of his life to such a painful experience. He was only a year behind Alice and myself, but he saw that as a painful reminder of why he hadn't gone off to school with the rest of us._

_He resented Alice for leaving him behind to handle things without her and just as she was finally healing, he ripped her apart again._

_The first time I spoke to her since college started was when she called me to ask me for advice. When I agreed with Edward that it seemed a little selfish to leave him in Forks, she was hurt. I hadn't meant to take sides, but in making my observations I had angered her, and I didn't hear from her again until after graduation._

_Between the parade of women he brought around to the late nights he'd spend partying and drinking, Edward had gone completely reckless. I tried my best to help him, but managing his mental health was far beyond my pay grade. As much as I pleaded with him, he would ignore my concern and would even get upset to the point of lashing out, throwing tantrums and refusing to speak to me for days on end. _

_Those were always our worst times._

_In spring semester I convinced him to get help. His severe mood swings had caused me to recoil at his touch, unsure if he'd pull me in and cling desperately to me or push me away._

_The fact that I didn't feel comfortable around him prompted him to bargain with me. He agreed to get help if I promised to work on our friendship. Both were things I wanted, so I agreed._

_From there, things had only gotten better. _


	2. two

**Characters borrowed from S. Meyer**

Chapter 2:

**Bella**

I was in the guest bedroom for a few minutes when Rose came to find me.

"Can I come in?" she asked lightly.

"Not right now, Rose, I'm not in the mood for a lecture," I said, focusing on my hands in my lap.

"He's an asshole, B."

"He's not an asshole, he's just being honest. He can do what he wants," I reasoned. "We're not together, he's allowed to say those things. If he wants to fuck every bimbo from here to Timbuktu he can."

Rosalie placed her arms over my shoulders and pulled me in for a hug.

"Just because he can doesn't mean he should. You let him walk all over you, B. We accept the love we think we deserve and you definitely don't deserve that."

"He doesn't walk all over me, Ro. And I can't help it, he's got this hold over me. Every time I tell myself I'm going to get over him he does something to pull me back in. Like last week when I was on my period he brought me tampons and brownies," I laughed lowly. "Then we sat on the couch and watched The Office series finale for the billionth time and he let me cry all over him. It was really sweet."

"I thought he went out with Eric that night," Rosalie said.

"He did. After he left my house he met up with Eric and they went to some bar downtown," I mumbled, never looking up from my hands.

"Wait isn't that the night they set up that double date?"

"I guess. I don't really know."

"Liar."

"Woah, take it down a notch, Rose."

"You can't keep doing this to yourself. Either tell him how you feel or stop making yourself so available. You can't let him be at your place acting all involved and then let him waltz right into another girls bed that same night."

"He never said he hooked up with the girl," I protested.

Rosalie shot me a disbelieving face, "So you really think he just went out with this girl and had drinks and didn't try to sleep with her? This is Edward we're talking about, of course they hooked up."

"Well whatever they did, I don't want to know about it. It's none of my business," I sighed, wiping the tears threatening to fall.

Rosalie hugged me again and said, "You're amazing and any guy would be lucky to have you, babe."

"Yeah, just not the one I want."

Rosalie gave my shoulders one last squeeze before saying "Come on, it's almost time for dessert."

As I reemerged Edward's eyes immediately caught mine. He gave me a questioning look before I waved him off.

I resumed my seat and mustered every ounce of energy I had into playing it cool. I picked at my food and tried to hold normal conversation, and when everyone had finished eating I offered to clear the dishes.

"I'll help!" Edward offered, jumping up from the table to grab the dishes from my hands that I'd already collected. I handed the plates over silently and set my attention to the rest of the spread.

By the time I reached the kitchen he was already leaning against the sink waiting for me.

"Is that it?"

"That's everything," I confirmed, placing the stack of flatware in the sink. "Would you mind grabbing the cheesecake?"

"Sure," he drawled, going to pull the dessert from the fridge. He placed it on the counter in front of me while I grabbed a knife.

"Everything ok?" he asked, coming to stand shoulder to shoulder with me.

"Yep."

"You hardly touched your dinner," he observed aloud.

I merely shrugged, "I wasn't super hungry."

He nudged my arm with his, "Ohh come on, tell me what's up."

"Nothing's up," I leveled him with a nonchalant glance, starting to plate the servings of cheesecake. I could feel his gaze burning a hold in the side of my head, imploring me to look at him.

I didn't, because I still wasn't ready to face his beautiful features as they told me what a great friend I was.

He was about to say something when Ben interrupted us, "Hey did you see where Ang put that bottle of wine you brought?"

"I think she might have put it away already," I said, pointing to the wine fridge.

"Great. You guys want a glass?" he questioned, grabbing glasses from the cabinet.

"Sure."

"No, thanks. I'm actually not feeling that great so I think I'll head home," I elaborated, handing Edward a few of the plates of cheesecake plates before taking some myself.

"You're leaving? How are you getting home?" Edward asked in surprise.

I shrugged casually and brought the plates out to the living room where everyone was just starting a round of Cards Against Humanity.

"Ooh, thank you!" Alice cooed, pulling her plate from my hand.

"You're very welcome," I chuckled at her enthusiasm.

"Oh Edward, since you're up can you grab us some forks?" Emmett asked.

"And the bottle opener! We put it in one of the drawers but I don't remember which one," Angela added.

"No problem."

When I'd finished dropping off everyone's plates announced my departure, knowing that I had to do it while Edward or I'd risk him trying to come with me. I needed this time away from him, though, time to wallow in my sadness without having to put up a front for him.

"Thank you for everything Ang, it was lovely as usual. Ben, let me know when you get the word on the Marcs client, yeah?" I leaned down to hug the couple simultaneously before focusing my attention to Alice and Rosalie.

"Lunch tomorrow, ladies?"

A few hugs and fist bumps later and I was out the door towards Edward's place.

Twenty minutes later I had picked up my car and I was back in my apartment getting ready for bed. It was only fifteen minutes to nine but I was ready to call it a night. I looked forward to nothing more than the spare bottle of wine Edward bought and a DVR full of The Mindy Project. At half-passed the hour I heard the jingle of keys in the door and groaned. The only person who regularly used their key to my place was Edward, and I still wasn't in the mood to deal with him. I snuggled down into my sea of pillows and blankets with zero intention of coming out.

"B?" he started slowly, pushing the bedroom door open to reveal his 6'2 frame standing in the doorway.

I stared quietly at the TV, ignoring him, and then I heard him sigh. I also heard the sound of keys dropping on my bedside table.

"I know you're not asleep," he said.

I rolled my eyes and did not break my stare.

He walked around the bed and knelt on the floor in front of me.

"You're intruding on my sacred Mindy Project time" I protested lowly.

"Tough shit," he bit back, clicking the satellite box off with the remote from my bedside.

"Stop," I protested, sitting up and reaching for the remote.

Edward lightly tossed the object on the TV stand behind him and returned his attention to me.

"Not until you talk to me," he demanded. "You've barely said anything to me all night."

"Maybe I just ran out of things to say. We've literally been talking all day," I said, looking innocently up at him, hoping he wouldn't push me any further.

He barreled on, "Is it about me?"

I didn't give him any indication that it was or wasn't about him. Even though it totally was, and he knew it.

"B you have to tell me. How can I apologize when I fuck up if you don't let me know?" he reasoned, his words muffled because his head was buried in the mattress.

"I'm a girl, I'm allowed to make you suffer and pretend that you'll figure it out on your own," I whined, turning over and burrowing deeper into the covers.

"Fine," he said, and I heard a rustle of movement behind me. "If you won't come out then you're going to force me to come in."

He had stripped down and was pulling back the covers to take the spot beside me.

I didn't move as I felt the bed dip. He switched off the bedside lamp and scooted closer to me. He always did this. Whenever I was upset with him he pretty much went all "Occupy Bella", suffocating me with his presence until I was compelled to tell him what was wrong.

He threw his arm over my body and I felt the familiar tingle at the bottom of my stomach despite myself. The man had an effect on me, there was no denying that. I always unraveled as soon as he touched me.

He rested his chin on my shoulder and rubbed my stomach with his hands. The skin jumped at his touch and I closed my eyes, willing myself to calm down. It was impossible to ignore him when he was this close to me.

"Please talk to me," he begged, pulling me closer into his hard form.

I sighed before asking, "Can we just drop it? I'm over it. It's not even your fault, I'm just in a bad mood."

I had to admit that I had mood swings every once in awhile. Well, to everyone else they looked like mood swings. I knew that they were really just a result of me beating myself up about Edward.

Edward buried his face in my neck and whined, "No, don't do that. You always bottle it up when you're mad at me. You're supposed to tell me everything, it's in the best friends handbook."

I squealed at the sensation of his facial hair rubbing against my neck.

"Your beard is tickling me, stop!"

He rubbed his face a little more vigorously into the crook of my neck and I laughed, turning over to push him as far away from that area as I could. When I turned to face him he was smiling.

"There she is," he said tenderly and I smiled back at him slightly, despite myself.

"I don't like you," I said stubbornly.

He laughed, "I know. You love me."

"I do," I said slowly, those words carrying more weight than he knew.

"And I love you too," he affirmed, bopping me on the nose with his finger.

I scrunched my face and shook my head, urging myself not to fall for his charms. This shit got me in trouble every time.

"Since you won't tell me what you're mad about can you at least forgive me for whatever the hell it was that I did to piss you off tonight?" he asked innocently, propping his head up on his hand. After a moment I nodded silently and leaned in to hug him.

"Don't I always?"

"You do and that's why you're my number one," he said, hugging me back. "Now, about these TV choices. They're questionable at best."

"Hey!" I shouted, slapping him on the arm and he pretended to shy away from me.

"What? I can't help that you don't have good taste. We need to be watching a classic on a night like this, like The Godfather or something."

I rolled my eyes, "Absolutely not. We put up with the classics at your house but my house is light and fun, so we'll at least have to watch something funny. Besides, I don't remember inviting you to watch anything with me," I huffed, pushing the covers back. I walked out of the room wordlessly and Edward followed suit, scooting out of the bed as well.

"Fine, I'll choose something in between. A classic comedy perhaps?" he went over to the DVD collection.

The apartment was silent for a few minutes before he yelled, "Damn we have to make it a point to hit up Best Buy tomorrow. You need some more options, Swan."

"How about we skip the movie? We haven't finished Parks and Rec yet!" I yelled from the bathroom down the hall.

"Oh yeah," he shouted, the sound of his feet thumping to my office to grab my laptop echoing through the apartment.

When I found Edward again he had arranged our normal setup: laptop on the bed with every pillow I owned stacked against the headboard.

"Would you like a drink?" I asked mischievously, raising one eyebrow slightly.

Edward eyeballed me before realizing what I was saying.

"Oh no, I can't, not tonight. The shit you make always fucks me up. It's Thursday for crying out loud, I have to be at work tomorrow," he pleaded, but I just continued to smile.

"Oh come on, I've gotten so much better at mixing! It won't be _that _much. I found this new website and they show you how to mix stuff and it's great. Trust me," I ran out the room again and Edward shouted for me to quiet down all the sounds of glasses and bottle clinking together.

After making a few of my new recipes I returned to my bedroom with a tray of 6 shot glasses, all mixed differently. Back in my sophomore year of college I practiced mixing drinks for when I would go out. Edward would be my guinea pig but most of the time we just ended up sick. He had yet to let those unfavorable memories go.

"Dear God," Edward said in an astonished voice. "What have you done?"

I smiled mischievously and handed him his first shot.

"Bottoms up!"

Edward grimaced as he downed the first mix but found out it was surprisingly good. "Jager mixed with malibu and pineapple juice" I exclaimed. "Not too bad, right?"

"Not bad at all. You're taking the next one." He selected a bright green shot and handed it to me.

"Oh this one's good, its called The Irish Trash Can," I said, throwing it back. "Curacao, vodka, gin, triple sec, rum, peach schnapps and Redbull. I made one for you too."

I handed him the third glass.

"Not a fan, what's next? By the way, don't ever tell me that I don't love you. Only a crazy person would seriously sit here and try this." Edward grumbled, reaching for a pair of double shot glasses that looked similar.

"I know, thank you," I smiled. "Ok this one is….triple sec, orange juice and cherry vodka."

"Where the fuck do you get cherry vodka?" he mused, tipping his head back and finishing off the shot

"Leftover from a party we had at work. No one wanted it so I took it. This is the first time I've ever used it! I have to admit its pretty good. What do you think?" I questioned him.

He held his stomach, "Just the thought of mixing all of these is starting to make me queasy."

"Pussy," I teased, handing him one final double shot glass.

"Last one."

He looked at it warily before downing the shot and a few seconds later he coughed slightly.

I cackled, "Double shot of 1800."

"A little warning would've been nice," he glared at me. "You know I hate taking straight shots, they're terrible."

I threw my head back and laughed harder, "I know, that's why I poured it. I don't understand what it is with you and your cocktails."

"They're delicious and you can enjoy them without getting too fucked up."

I shook my head in disapproval at him, "You are such a wimp. How did I end up with you as my drinking partner? I swore I trained you so much better than this."

He flipped me the bird in response.

Half an hour later we were both buzzing.

"God, your tits are huge," Edward observed as we battled each other in Wii tennis.

"Edward!" I exclaimed, trying to cover my breasts with one hand and swing the controller with the other.

"I'm just saying, I can't ignore them. That's what happens when you play a game and don't wear a bra."

"Fuck off, I'm in my own damn house. If you don't want to see them then go home!" I swung and my mii hit a speeding ball past Edward's mii's head, effectively ending the game.

"Damn," he muttered at his defeat, tossing the controller on the couch. "I didn't say I didn't want to see them."

The butterflies that had been a permanent fixture in my stomach for more than a decade started to flutter. I examined his face for any sign of joking but he looked about as serious as a heart attack. He gulped and glanced back down at my chest.

"And I can see your nipples," he said gravely. After a beat of silence we both burst out into laughter.

"Why do you sound so upset about it?" I gasped through my uncontrollable laughter.

"Because I've never seen them before."

I glanced down at my chest, and they were definitely making an appearance. The fact that Edward was talking about them wasn't helping. Just the thought of Edward and my nipples made them go a little bit harder.

"They're normal."

"They're not. As weird as this sounds they actually look kind of…perfect. And trust me, I would know. I've seen more than my fair share." He breathed.

If there was anything that would slow my arousal, that was it. The mention of other girls he'd been with had effectively killed any sexy vibes.

"Right," I said as I cleared my throat. "Parks and Rec?"

Edward nodded enthusiastically and started fucking giggling, all talk of my nipples effectively forgotten.

"I've never heard you giggle. You're such a light weight; you're more tipsy than I am," I accused him playfully.

"Only because you poured me that extra double shot. I'm gonna feel like shit in the morning," he grumbled, dropping to the bed.

I took a seat beside his recline body and moved a piece of hair out of his face. He caught my hand in his and kissed the bruised knuckles lightly.

"How does you hand feel?" he asked, surveying the damage I'd done to myself earlier playing the Wii. I got a little excited and banged it against the wall on accident.

I shrugged, "It's not bad. Your kisses made it all better."

He pulled me down next to him and went to kiss my forehead but missed and the kiss landed somewhere between my eyes.

"Oops," he laughed and closed his eyes, "Sorry, my aim is off once I've had a few shots."

I reveled in his touch and slightly shuddered. Every little touch from him sent me into over drive. The press of his body against mine was heaven and hell all at the same time. I loved to be enveloped by him but I hated that he could touch me so platonically when it set a fire under my skin.

Honestly, it was hard to breathe when he was that close.


	3. three

**Characters borrowed from S. Meyer**

Chapter 3:

**Edward **

Two things.

My head was swimming, and Bella was sitting entirely too far away.

She was perched on the end of the bed, probably in an effort to keep her distance from me since I'd been ogling her pretty much all night.

"Can you move back a little? You're as stiff as a board," I pulled the hood of the sweatshirt she was wearing, my sweatshirt, in an attempt to get her closer, because for some reason I _needed_ to get her next to me.

I'd never thought of Bella in _that_ _way_. She was always just there, being who she is, my gender neutral best friend who I realized mere hours ago actually possessed the anatomy of a human woman. An incredibly attractive human woman, at that.

I was completely fine, until her perky ass nipples had to ruin everything. Seeing them there, so easily visible and accessible, sent my mind to places that it hadn't really gone before.

She moved up the bed and fell into my side, making it hard to concentrate on basically anything that wasn't her. I wrapped an arm around her, tucked my chin on top of her head and started drawing light circles on her stomach with my fingers, right below her breast. More than once I 'accidentally' let my wrist brush against her taut nipple and I swear I could hear her whimper.

Maybe I imagined that, or maybe it was my buzz talking, but something felt different. The urge to explore had crept up on me. This was no longer something as simple as watching TV or having a quiet night in. It was a matter of seeing how far in she'd let me go; of how far I could push before she pushed back. It was a need to touch and taste, to hear what kind of noises she made when she was turned on.

"What?" she stared up at me, and I watched her eyes move from my eyes to my lips and back again.

"Nothing," I whispered mischievously, pulling her closer to my side. "Do you ever think about what it would be like if we had dated?"

"Once or twice," she said after a few moments.

"So why didn't we ever try it out? After twelve years of friendship you never thought about it?"

"...did you?" she asked slowly.

"No. I mean, I never - it wasn't a thought that popped into my head until recently."

_Very recently._

"Well…I guess I just always knew that you'd never see me that way. You always talk about how I'm like your sister and you don't like me like that and blah blah blah."

I pulled back to look down at her. "What do you mean?"

Bella pushed herself into an upright position, staring back at me.

"It's no secret that I'm not exactly your type, Edward. You literally _just _told me that at dinner tonight. Plus, I've seen the girls you date. You go for the girly girl, with the cloud of pink following her wherever she goes."

"That's not true, " I defended myself.

She raised an eyebrow, "Really? You don't remember Lauren? I swear I've never met anyone who scheduled so many nail appointments in one week. Or Irina – "

"Ok, she was athletic."

"I would hardly call competitive shopping a sport."

I glared at her, "Well, you never saw her in action. Ask the girl to find a turtle neck in the middle of summer and she'd find it for you."

She was one of the few I had even bothered to introduce to Bella; she either met my girlfriends accidentally or I ended things before I had a reason to make introductions.

Bella shrugged, "Why did you two break up, anyway? You never did tell me."

I shrugged back, "Hell if I know."

I had never wanted to let Bella know that she was the reason we had broken up. That she was the reason for almost all of my breakups. Every girl had been jealous of how highly I held Bella in my life, and when it came down to making a choice, I always chose her. She wasn't just my closest friend, but the one constant friend I'd had in my life. Through everything with my parents and college and my recovery, she stuck it out. Even when I'd felt abandoned by my own sister, Bella and I had stayed thick as thieves.

She laughed, almost sadly, "I'm not like the girls you date. I'm not delicate and my hair isn't pin straight and I couldn't manicure my right hand to save my life."

"Ok, fuck that, have you seen yourself? You have no idea how many guys I've had to threaten to get them to back off of you," I chuckled lightly and didn't notice Bella's wide eye gaze.

"Hold on, what?"

"What what?" I asked, playing dumb.

"You threaten guys to get them to back off? Why would you do that?"

I shrugged again and looked down at my hands. "I don't know, B, it's not like a _thing. _I just shove 'em once or twice and tell 'em to take a hike."

"You mean to tell me that those guys haven't called me back because _you've been scaring them off?"_

"What's happening here? I don't see the big deal," I dismissed her outburst.

"You being the reason I haven't had a date in over a year is kind of a big deal. I'm starting to have self-esteem issues thinking that I'm not even good enough for these ding dong guys I meet. Come to find out you've pretty much rigged my whole love life!" she exclaimed, punching me in the arm.

I put my hands up to defend myself from her attack. "I did not rig your love life. Its just that you're the perfect wing man, and I can't pick up chicks if you're pre-occupied with some dude," I laughed and caught her arm. She struggled against me to release her arm but I wasn't budging.

"God, you're such a selfish dick," she growled through her effort to kick me off of the bed, the playful jabs, noogie attempts and karate chops turning into an all out brawl. We battled valiantly, and just when I eased up because I thought I'd worn her down, she straddled me with a triumphant smirk.

"You're a terrible wrestler," I laughed. She pouted and poked me in the chest.

"I managed to gain the advantage, didn't I?"

I rolled my eyes. "Only because I let you, Swan. Get your facts straight."

I pushed myself up on my elbows, knowing that this position did nothing to dim the thoughts running through my head about this girl.

I'd always known Bella was attractive, objectively. Other people had always mentioned it but I never let myself consider her a pursuable option. She was always just Bella, my dorky second sister who would follow me around. Until high school that is, when she had grown into her looks and played hard to get from virtually every boy in our grade. She was never interested, but I had to keep an eye out anyway.

At least I tried to, up until I started having drama with Leah junior year. And then there was Jane, the thorn in my side in our senior year.

And then my parents died, so protecting Alice and Bella from guys became the least of my worries.

By the time I'd come to terms with all those things in my life, I was in college and I was totally disenchanted with relationships. I lost a grip on myself and having to explain that to the women I met was always a headache. They always wanted to change me, heal me. Everyone always wanted more from me, and I couldn't give it to them. After too many hookups and three seriously failed attempts at having a normal relationship, I decided that romance would always be about pleasure, never companionship. A means to an end.

Bella was my companion. We had a system that worked. We took care of each other when the world beat us down, and so far things had gone well. Save her and my sister, girls had always been too much drama for me, and I promised myself that I would never again subject myself to the hassle. While she was the best friend a guy could ask for, I always saw dating Bella as the ultimate loss, because I'd be losing one or the other. I swore that I would never mix the two, romance and companionship. So I kept them separate. I had my women on one side and I had Bella on the other to balance everything out.

And she did; she was always so good at balancing me out.

She had been there for me through everything, and trying to push our friendship into relationship territory always seemed way too challenging, so I never let the thought cross my mind again. I needed her, and her unwavering friendship was the best I would ever let myself do. In the past, there had been a time when I treated her like complete shit. Despite all of that, she never gave up on me. I promised when I got better than I would never make her feel like that again.

But for this, the way our energies were pulling us together...for this, I had to make an exception.

I shook myself from my thought when Bella began to squirm in my lap. She was blushing, as if she'd suddenly understood the proximity of our bodies and realized the position we were in. She moved to get off of me but I held her in place by the hip.

Before I could catch myself, words were spilling out of my mouth.

"You're perfect, you know that? Any guy would be lucky to have you."

She nodded and gave me a half smile that I returned with ease.

"Thanks. I mean I'm totally comfortable with myself but being surrounded by all these Barbie doll girls can be a little deflating for my confidence," she explained, pushing a stray strand of hair out of my face.

_It would be too complicated, _I thought, as she brushed hair out of my face, but as I returned the favor I couldn't help but notice how her breathing hitched as I let my fingers get lost in the dark, curly mass.

Bella's hand dropped to my wrist and I struggled to decipher her expression. Her eyes were darting between my mouth and my eyes and I couldn't help but mimic the same motion.

With only a few inches between us I instantly felt the air thicken. I pulled her closer and stared at her lips, her mouth hovering just above mine.

_One little test kiss wouldn't hurt._

She looked like she was too afraid to make a move, so I leaned forward, craving contact.

I pressed my mouth to hers tentatively for a few second before she began to respond. She leaned further into me and that gave me the confirmation I needed to continue. I sat up fully and deepened the kiss, letting my mouth move more freely over hers. Without even realizing it, my hand was clinging to her face and our tongues were exploring each other's mouths.

My arms dropped back to her waist, pulling her closer while her hand clung to my arms. I don't know how long we were like that before she was tugging on my shirt, prompting me to remove the pesky article. I obliged her happily, briefly breaking the kiss.

My hands quickly followed suit and I started to pull up the sweatshirt and shirt she had on. I realized the step I was taking and made it a point to keep my eyes trained on hers.

"You can look," she breathed, urging me on.

I flung the gray 'Washington Huskies' sweatshirt across the room and leaned down to kiss her collarbone, working my way down to the top of her left breast. She let her head fall back as I placed feather light kisses over her chest.

I couldn't fully register what was happening. It was almost like an out of body experience that I'm watching from somewhere else. I was hyperaware of everything from her breathing to the goosebumps on her skin and the strain of my pants against my body. Just moments ago we were fully clothed watching re-runs, and now she was urging me to touch her. She sighed softly and I made my way back to her mouth. I tentatively reached a hand up to grip one of her breasts and she jumped slightly.

I moved my hands away as quickly as if they'd been burned. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to assume. I don't want to push you – "

"No its fine!" She let her head drop to my shoulder and took a deep breath. "I want to, trust me, I'm just nervous."

I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her even tighter to me.

"What do you have to be nervous about? It's just me."

_Just me, my ass. _I was probably more nervous than she was.

"I know but it's _because_ its you that I'm so nervous," she mumbled into my skin.

I moved my shoulder to nudge her head up.

"We don't have to do anything you don't want to do, B."

She bit her lip then leaned back in to kiss me, "We're not doing anything I don't want to do."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure," she looked at me boldly, daring me to ask her again.

I leaned in and kissed her lightly, lingering momentarily. "Wait, I - you know I don't do relationships, right? I don't want you to expect something that I can't give you."

"I know," she said as she looked at me with doe eyes underneath those long ass lashes.

"I just don't want it to get too…complicated," I said softly, running my hands up and down her back.

She nodded in agreement.

"No complications, no strings attached. Just us having fun," she confirmed, nipping at my lips once more. I groaned as she tightened her hold on me.

"No complications," I reiterated, our mouths stopping momentarily for me to speak the words.


	4. four

**Characters borrowed from S. Meyer**

Chapter 4:

**Bella**

I woke up the next morning with Edward wrapped around me and I was pretty sure that waking up any other way would never compare. I smiled widely as I turned to face him. I was still a little in shock at what had happened last night.

It was pathetic how I'd spent the past few years consciously trying to break whatever spell he'd had over me and all it took was one measly look to weaken my resolve.

I can't say that I regretted it, though.

Edward stirred and I couldn't help but grin at how adorable he was in the first few moments of morning. He battled to open his eyes then blinked a few times before he finally focused on me.

"Good morning sunshine," he said roughly, his voice still thick with sleep.

I acknowledged his greeting with a head nod and ran my entire hand over his face roughly. He squirmed away and rolled over on the bed, making a shout of protest.

"It's too early, have some decency!"

I laughed heartily and noticed the way he had seemed to stiffen slightly at the sight of random clothing flung around the room.

"What the hell…." He murmured to himself, and I felt the blood rush from my face.

_He didn't remember._

_He didn't know what to say._

"Hey," I called to him in an effort to diffuse any potential tension. He turned to face me and I continued, "It's kind of weird right? You know, us...sleeping together. I get it if you don't want to talk about it. We've never done that before and it can be awkward to talk about stuff like this after it happens. Especially since we're best friends and you don't even see me like that…"

I heard myself ramble on nervously and I hated the fact that he wouldn't say something to make me less nervous. To be honest, he looked a little nervous himself, but then he did something that totally caught me off guard.

He wrapped his hand around the back of my neck and pulled me in for a kiss.

Rambling effectively ended.

He kissed me again, deeper than before.

"Don't. We're not gonna talk about it. Let's just…figure it out as we go."

I bit my lip and smiled at him, "Yeah, ok, we'll figure it out as we go," I repeated, pulling him in for another kiss.

oOo

**Edward**

Things may have gotten out of hand, and we may have far surpassed my hopes for a test kiss, but I couldn't help myself. She was a great kisser, and I pretty much lost all thoughts about consequence as she moved closer to me, like she trying to get every inch of her skin on mine. I delved deeper into her mouth, our tongues battling for dominance.

I placed a hand on her hip and pulled her as close as she could possibly get to me. I'm sure she could feel me erection growing against her stomach because I sure as hell wasn't trying to hide it.

She moved her hand down to grab my shaft and I couldn't help that my hips bucked slightly.

"Sorry," I said breathily, "cold hands."

She smiled sheepishly and replied, "Sorry," before replacing her hand.

She gripped my growing member firmly and began to stroke confidently. I groaned and in one fluid motion had pulled her on top of me. She sat up on top of me and focused her attention on my dick, her eyes grew a little wide.

"There's no way that fit inside of me."

I chuckled, "We didn't have any problems last night." I let my hands roam her body again, hands touching any inch of flesh that I could reach. She moaned and let her head fall back when my fingers grazed her nipples.

"You're perfect," I said, focusing all of my attention on her breasts. My words must have encouraged her because she leaned forward to kiss me fully. I took this opportunity to grab her ass with both hands and spread her open to take me.

She gasped in surprise as she felt this tip of my cock poke her opening slightly. She moved her hips to align our centers and wasted no time sliding onto me. We moaned simultaneously and I pushed away the memory of her having the same reaction last night.

I wanted to be in the moment.

I kept my hands on her ass as I moved my hips up to thrust into her. She moaned loudly into my ear and that egged me on further.

She was whimpering at my ministrations, her noises giving me all the energy I needed to continue. She pushed herself up slightly, slowing my movements, and took control, rocking her hips back and forth. I let my head drop on the pillow, a sound of bliss escaping my lips before I even registered it was coming out of me.

My grip on her hips tightened as she increased her speed and I'm almost positive I died a small death right there.

Death by sex, what a great way to go.

She grabbed both of my hands and intertwined our fingers, using my arms to stabilize herself enough to slide up and down my length.

"Holy shit," I breathed, trying my best to keep nature from taking over and moving my hips against my will.

The sight of her bouncing on top of me, taking all of me in and her trail of wetness gleaming on me was enough to nearly make me come right then.

I didn't have time to think any further on it because she had increased her speed, and I barely had time to blink before I felt myself release. "Fuck, Bella, I'm gonna-" I groaned, and she changed her movements, her body grinding slowly against mine.

We each took a moment to catch our breath, our bodies pulsing together.

"Holy shit," I repeated, "you're fucking amazing at this."

I felt her body shake with laughter.

I continued, "No seriously, why didn't you tell me that you're so damn good at sex? I would've made this happen a long time ago!"

She beamed at me, "You never asked."

The alarm on her bedside table went off and she groaned, moving carefully off of me and out of the bed, the result of our session dripping down her inner thigh.

"No, don't go," I whined, futilely grabbing for her. It was too late, she had already left our warm little sex sanctuary.

"I'm sorry, I have to go to work and so do you," she groaned apologetically, rushing to the master bathroom to turn on the shower. We had showered together last night after our first time (which inevitably led to our second and third time) and I felt guilty that I had made a big enough mess to force her to shower twice.

I sat in bed with my hands over my eyes. After a night and morning like that, work was the last thing I wanted to do.

"Can't we just stay here all day?" I questioned, sitting up and spying her through the crack in the door.

"I wish I could but I've got to tie up a project before the weekend. I'm sorry," I heard her shout back.

I never responded verbally.

"Jeez, Edward, a little privacy would be nice," she joked as I stepped in the shower behind her, making sure to pull the curtain closed to retain some of the steam she'd built up.

I scoffed, wrapping my hands around her waist and pushing us both under the shower head. "After a show like that do you really expect me to ever pass up a chance to see you naked?"

She just laughed and leaned her head back against my shoulder.

* * *

><p><strong>Bella<strong>

"Are you paying together or separately?" The cashier in the bowling alley asked.

"Separately," I said.

"Together," Edward said at the same time. He moved to hand the girl a twenty and I grabbed his hand.

"Separately," I repeated, offering the wad of ones I grabbed from my pocket.

"Bella, please. Please let me pay for you?" He urged, pushing my hand with the cash back into my pocket.

"You really don't have to Edward, I can buy my own shoes," I protested.

"It's fine, I want to."

The rest of the night went on pretty ordinarily after we met up with Jasper, Alice and Ben. Ben had a hidden talent for bowling and wiped the floor with the rest of us. My only shining moment was accidentally bowling a turkey, at which point Edward threw me over his shoulder and spun me around, my laughter a direct contradiction to my shrieks for him to put me down.

Post sex Edward and Bella were ten times more fun that no-sex Edward and Bella. After work, he'd shown up to my house with my favorite Chinese food and a knowing smile on his face. We made it all the way through dinner before he said "fuck it" and pulled me in for a bruising kiss.

We were late to bowling.

We sat behind the lane between turns and laughed nonsensically. It wasn't until the middle of a rousing game of thumb wrestle that Ben called out to us, "Hey, you two feel like joining the game maybe?"

I blushed and took my turn guiltily. I wasn't even trying to play this cool, I was wearing my heart on my sleeve for everyone to see, and I couldn't even bring myself to feel bad about it.

Edward had his arm slung over my shoulders and was whispering something in my ear when Jasper said, "Alright you two, time to get a room."

Edward looked surprised, "What the hell man, you're kicking us out?"

Ben jumped in, "Yeah, you're not even paying attention to the game. You're clearly more interested in each other than you are in any of us," he pointed to the rest of the group who were now looking our way.

Edward laughed nervously, "Dude, not even. We're just talking."

"Yeah right dude, you haven't been able to keep your hands off of Bella all night," he paused and then said, "Wait, is something going on here?"

I started to speak when Edward cut me off.

"Hell no man, I already told you she's like my sister," he shot me a glance. "We're just talking about my wedding surprise for you," he said as he wriggled his eyebrows at Ben.

"I swear to god, Edward, if you're trying to give me a strip tease I will beat the shit out of you."

Everyone laughed as Edward played along with the joke, grinding and touching Ben in the most inappropriate way possible. Ben attempted to push him away and the two started to tussle.

"Alright you two, break it up. You can resume this little love fest at the bar. Let's go," Alice said, pushing them apart and collecting her things. She linked our arms as we walked, pulling me along with her.

In the short amount of time it took to walk from the bowling alley to the bar, Edward had already started to act differently towards me. He was sure not to interact with me too much, which entailed not walking next to me or making any sort of eye contact.

I mean...ouch. I understand the need to keep your privacy but ignoring me was a little extreme. We needed time to figure it out for ourselves but that didn't mean that I needed to be forgotten anytime anyone broached the subject of the two of us.

By the grace of god Ben managed to find an open booth despite the ridiculous crowd at the bar. Jasper bought the first round and pulled Edward and Ben away for a round of pool, leaving Alice and I to guard our seats.

"Have you tried the sangria from this place? It's totally fake but its super delicious," Alice said, bringing her blended mango margarita to her lips.

"I've only been here once. Remember that time we had Macy's thing here?"

Alice snapped her fingers, "Oh yeah, right before we did that terrible round of karaoke!"

"Yeah that night we had to carry Rose's drunk ass back to her place and then we played Just Dance for like, three hours straight. Great times," I recounted fondly and Alice hummed in approval.

"What ever happened to all of us hanging out like that?"

"I don't know," I shrugged. "I guess we all just got too busy with life. I mean, look at Ben, he's engaged. You just started the Ph.D. program. Oh, I got put up for a promotion."

Alice flailed, "What? You got a promotion? That's amazing, congratulations!"

"Thank you," I smiled, "nothing's set in stone yet. The job is up north so there are still some factors I have to consider before I say yes."

Alice hugged me tightly then gripped me by the shoulders, "Please tell me you'll actually think consider it and that you're not thinking of sticking around for my idiot brother. Please tell me that I'm wrong to think you'd do that."

"He's not the only reason," I said as I puffed out my chest. "I would miss all of you guys, not just him."

Alice rolled her eyes, "Right but you're not sleeping with all of us."

My eyes widened, "What do you mean?"

"Oh please," Alice scoffed, "you two couldn't keep your hands off of each other all night. I've never seen him act so lovesick around you. Either he's become really affectionate lately or you two are fucking each other behind everyone's backs."

"It's not like we're trying to hide it," I explained, "Last night was the first time. I just don't know where we stand yet. Plus, you see how he acted when Ben asked him if we were messing around. Neither of us knows how to explain what's happening between us."

I didn't want to tell her that I had technically agreed to only be her twin brother's new bed buddy.

"Look, I'm happy for you babe. You totally needed to get laid, and trust me, if it were any other guy I'd be over the moon ecstatic. You know how Edward is, though. You know _better than anyone_," Alice reasoned.

"Yeah, no, of course," I said into my drink. "It's just- something feels different about this. I don't know how to explain it but it feels good. It's us and its easy, and it feels like I know him on a level that I've never known anyone else before."

Alice sighed and grabbed my face in her hands. "Fine," she huffed, "just be careful. This is Edward we're talking about. I know you guys are close but sex changes everything."

I covered Alice's hands with my own.

"I promise. I just know that I'd never forgive myself if I didn't at least explore the possibility."

She waved me off, "Fine, fine. Also, gross. Anyway, how about a round of pool against the guys? We could totally wipe the floor with their assess."

I smiled, "Oh, game on."

We walked in to Edward sinking the last two solids simultaneously, earning a round of oohs and aahs from his mini audience, which included a girl that high-fived him a little too enthusiastically for my taste. We formed teams for the next round and the unidentified woman (who I later found to be named Tanya) ended up sinking the winning shot for my team. Everyone's excitement overcompensated for my utter lack of thereof, which went completely unnoticed.

I understood that as of now I technically had no claim over Edward, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't ready to piss on him to mark my territory. Every time anything happened Edward and Tanya were at each other's side laughing.

"Looks like I owe you a drink," I overheard him say to Tanya when the last striped ball dropped into the side pocket.

"I was actually thinking that I could request another favor as my victor's prize," Tanya laughed, her voice lowered every so slightly.

I couldn't hear Edward's response but when the pair got up to leave the table a few minutes later I could only assume what she'd implied.

"Guys we're going to head out, I'm going to walk Tanya home," Edward announced, being careful to avoid my eyes. When he turned to help Tanya with her coat I'm sure he could feel my eyes burning into the back of his skull.

"Alright, bro. Text me about basketball tomorrow, yeah?" Jasper shook his hand, followed by Ben.

"Will do."

"Al, B, see you later," he waved before ushering Tanya out with a hand on her lower back.

Alice glanced worriedly at me, "He wouldn't do that, would he?"

"God, I hope not," I scowled before plucking the cherry from my Shirley Temple and waving the bartender down to close out my tab.

"I'm going to head out. Are you going to stick around?"

Alice went to grab her coat, "No I'll come with you. I rode with Jasper. Jasper, I'm heading back with B," she yelled down the bar. He and Ben both looked and waved their goodbyes.


	5. five

**Character borrowed from S. Meyer**

Chapter 5:

**Bella**

It had only taken me half an hour to drop Alice home and make it back to my place. It was well past midnight by the time I crawled into bed, dead tired from getting nearly zero sleep the night before. Twelve thirty wasn't too late for a Friday night, right? Especially when I didn't want to spend any more time awake thinking about Edward and whatever the hell he was doing with his newest flavor.

Just as I began to doze the doorbell rang. At first I thought it might've been a dream but the closer I came to consciousness, the louder it got.

I managed to lift my head enough to catch a glimpse of the bedside clock.

_12:52_.

I rolled over, fully intending to fall back asleep when the doorbell buzzed again. I groaned in protest then dragged myself out of bed and through my dark apartment, taking a glance through the peephole.

As usual. Messy, auburn tinged hair.

The light from the hallway poured into the space and I had to squint slightly when I opened the door.

Edward stood there with his hands in his pockets, looking guilty.

"What's wrong?" I asked cautiously.

"Nothing," he cleared his throat, "I uh…came to check on you."

"Why?" I asked flatly.

He looked surprised at my tone, "I wanted to make sure you made it home safely. You didn't answer my text."

"Didn't see it."

"Right," he replied slowly. "I was going to use the key but I didn't want to scare you."

"Oh, yeah, thanks. I'm...fine," I said lamely.

Edward nodded and we stood in awkward silence for a few moments.

"Is it ok if I come in?" he laughed, and I moved aside to let him pass.

There was a thud and a string of curses, followed by a, "Jesus, why is it so dark in here?"

I held back a laugh, thinking of the treacherous entry way table that had defeated many a toe since I purchased it a year ago.

"I was in bed. It's almost one so I was asleep," I explained, shutting the front door.

"On a Friday night? Isabella Marie Swan, I thought I taught you better than that," he said in an exaggerated tone.

I rolled my eyes, "I was ready to hit the hay. I didn't sleep much last night."

I said that as if he didn't know that I hadn't slept much last night; as if he hadn't been the reason.

"No, I know, I just..."

I stared at him expectantly, waiting for him to finish his sentence.

"Ok, so it's really hard for me to tell but are you pissed at me? "

I scoffed, turning on my heel towards the bedroom. "Me? Pissed? Never. What would give you such an idea?"

"I didn't go home with that girl, if that's what you're thinking. Well, I mean, I did but I didn't stay. I really did just walk her home," he grabbed for my arm.

I let out an unintentional huff of laughter, "Do you really expect me to believe that?"

"Yes," Edward said, seemingly saddened. "I wouldn't do that to you, B. I know we haven't had time to figure all _this_ out between us but I wouldn't sleep with you one night and move on to a different girl the next. I couldn't treat you like that."

"I don't know," I said, my expression softening. "The way you were talking about me tonight to everyone made it seem liked you were kind of embarrassed about what happened. And then you left with Tanya and it made me feel kind of terrible?"

He pouted heavily and pulled me into a hug, "I would never be embarrassed of you. I just didn't want everyone to know. I don't even know what it is that I don't want everyone to know yet, you know?"

"No, that was terribly confusing."

"I'm saying that I don't know how everyone would respond to us being like, friends with benefits."

"So that's what we're doing? Friends with benefits," I repeated.

"Yeah, I guess. That's the only rational way I can describe this. I don't know how they'd all feel about it."

"I thought you didn't do labels. I thought we were just going see where it goes..." I said, pulling away.

Yes, I understood that he didn't want a commitment but saying that we were friends with benefits doomed our relationship to be nothing more than fleeting fuck buddies.

"The label isn't the problem with us, B. I just don't like having everyone in my business. A private life is private for a reason. If everyone knows about it then they'll make a big deal or think we're doing this and it would just be a lot of hassle I'm not in the mood to deal with. If everyone finds out they're just going to pry and I don't do the whole girlfriend/boyfriend thing. It's too complicated and there's always too much drama. Can we just keep this between us?" he pleaded.

Friends with benefits. I could to that. It's not exactly what I wanted but it was better than where I'd started.

Instead of verbalizing my answer I leaned up to kiss him, holding his face in my hands.

I would take whatever he would give me.

* * *

><p><strong>Edward<strong>

Sunday morning I woke to the sound of Bella banging around the kitchen. I emerged to a mountain of breakfast food and Bella sweeping around in a shirt and her underwear.

"Morning," I grumbled, seating myself at one of the places she had set up.

"Good morning!" she said brightly, walking by to kiss me on the top of the head.

"You're awfully cheery," I observed, eyeing her suspiciously.

She just hummed committal and placed the last dirty pan in the sink, "I just had a good night, that's all."

"Damn right you did," I smirked. "I would say you had a _great _night, what with coming as many times as you did."

"Shut up, don't act like you would've figured that out by yourself. I barely came like...twice," she joked.

"You're a terrible liar," I grinned, knowing full well that she'd told me she was about to come on multiple occasions.

She ignored me, "What are your plans for the day?"

"Netflix and chill? I'm pretty beat from last night," I joked, looking at her pointedly.

"Oh fuck you, I did most of the work."

Halfway through breakfast I heard my phone buzzing from Bella's room. Alice was on the other end bawling about how she was going to miss her presentation because one of her tires blew.

"Where are you off to in such a hurry?"

"Alice asked me to pick her up, she blew a tire on the way to class. Promise I'm not ditching you," I rushed, landing a quick kiss on her mouth. "And thank you for breakfast."

"You're welcome," she hummed, pulling me in for one last peck.

After Alice my day was relaxed enough, spent mostly indoors packing for a business trip to Silicon Valley that lasted for about a week. Bella and I talked on the phone every night while I was gone. Most of our conversations revolved around work and random things about our days.

On Saturday night I called her earlier than usual. She was getting ready for the annual Autism auction her company hosted every year. Some black tie event that was thrown to raise awareness and money for the cause. The two brothers who owned the company that Bella worked for had a sister who was diagnosed early in childhood.

"Hey," she greeted nonchalantly.

"Greetings, earthling-"

"Stop."

"Wha- you don't even know what I was going to say yet," I balked.

She scoffed, "I don't have to, I know it'll be lame."

"You ruin everything. What are you up to?"

"I'm going to that auction thing that they company holds every year," she said. I imagined her slipping on the black, knee length dress that she'd put aside especially for the occasion.

"The one for ALS?"

"No, for Autism. You've been every year, how do you not remember these things?" she admonished.

"They're so boring. It's just a bunch of rich people trying to bid to let everyone know who has the most money."

"Ok, I'll give you that, but the underlying cause is good and they always have delicious food."

I made a delighted groan over the phone, "The stuffed mushrooms. Oh, and that filet mignon? Fuck, I'm getting hungry just thinking about it."

There was a pause of silence from her end.

"Did you just come?"

"You're not funny," I said, smiling despite myself. I could hear the smile in her voice.

Bella continued, "I'm just saying. We've had sex five times and I've never heard you make that sound with me."

"That's because I can barely breathe when I'm with you. Did I ever mention that you're _incredibly_ good at sex?" I stressed, hoping she could hear the seriousness in my tone.

She just chucked, "I'm getting off the phone. I've got to get ready, the cab will be here soon."

"Alright, have fun tonight. And _please_ be safe," I begged.

"Of course. I'm always safe."

* * *

><p><strong>Bella<strong>

I flung the disconnected phone into my purse and ten minutes later I was in a cab headed to the auction.

As Edward had reminded me, it was incredibly boring. I never had any money to bid on anything but I always attended to support my bosses. This was the first time I had gone without Edward. Usually we'd sit at our deserted table and make up back stories about the other people in attendance. Every so often I got to introduce Edward to some coworkers, but for the most part we drank from the open bar and freaked out about how delicious the food was.

I was walking through the art display when I heard one of my name was called.

"Oh my god, Bella! I didn't know you were going to come tonight," Corina Winston said as she leaned in to give me a half-assed hug.

"I always like to support the bosses, you know? Plus I think it's so important to raise money and awareness for these kinds of things."

"Of course," Corina shrugged. "You haven't exactly had the easiest life either, so its great that you can give back to other causes."

I knew Corina was fake, but to try to backhand compliment me with such little provocation was uncalled for.

"Well, it's not that, I just want to help and support as much as I can."

"Of course," Corina smirked overly politely. "What will you be bidding on tonight?"

My eyes narrowed ever so slightly, "Oh, nothing. I'm just here to watch. I helped set everything up so I at least want to see the product of all our handiwork."

Corina tutted her lips, "Oh I'm sorry dear. Not everyone here can afford to buy any of this stuff but like you said, the support is most important."

During every one of our interactions I tried to reason that somewhere deep down in her soul, Corina was a good person at one point. A good person who deserved respect.

"If you're not going to bid on anything then at least you have a date. Who did you bring with you tonight?" she asked coyly, knowing full well that I hadn't walked in with anyone this year.

My brain whizzed a mile a minute as I tried to think of the name of this fake person I was about to create in my head.

"Bella, there you are," an easily recognizable voice called to me. I felt a hand on my lower back and turned to see my very own knight in shining tuxedo grinning down at me.

"I've been looking all over for you. I told you I was going to the bathroom and I came back and you were gone," Edward feigned disappointment.

"Oh, Edward!" Corina said, moving quickly to give him a hug. He obliged her politely and I had to bite my tongue to keep from yelling at them to stop touching. I could take the snide comments and the look of pity but I wouldn't put up with the girl's paws all over Edward; especially not Corina.

"It's a pleasure to see you again," he shot her his best dazzling smile before turning his gaze to me. "I don't mean to be brief but if you'll excuse us, I need to dance with my stunning date."

He ushered the two of us out to the dance floor and there was a pause before I finally jolted back to reality.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I asked, surprised.

Edward chuckled and pulled me closer, "Saving your ass, of course. What kind of best friend would I be if I left you to these vultures alone?"

I rested my forehead on his chest and said a silent prayer of thanks.

"Actually I made it back from my trip earlier than expected so I thought I'd surprise you," he smiled down at me and my knees nearly gave out right there.

"That was really nice, thank you. If you hadn't shown up when you did I don't know what I would've told Corina back there," I sighed, eyes closing as we swayed back and forth to the jazzy rendition of _Clarity_ by John Mayer.

"You're welcome," he said. "I wanted to surprise you earlier, it just took me forever to find you in this goddamn building. What does a hotel need seventeen meeting spaces for?" He pushed me out and spun me around before bringing us chest to chest once more.

"You could've called. Or left."

"But, I wanted to see you," he said quietly, and I could see his adam's apple bob as he swallowed.

"I wanted to see you, too," I said lightly.

His features were illuminated by the halo lighting and I knew that I'd never seen a more beautiful man.

I leaned up to kiss him but he turned his head before I could do so. My lips caught his cheek and I had to fight the frown of disappointment from crossing my face.

He glanced back at me before ducking his head.

"We're in public," he said, as if I'd understand what the problem was just from those few words.

"So?" I asked dumbly and he sighed.

"We're at a party with all your co-workers. I just don't want anyone to see anything."

I nodded slowly and took the opportunity to hide my face and the tears welling in my eyes.

As much as I hated to admit it, that stung more than it should have. While I knew that Edward and I weren't exactly broadcasting whatever was going on between us, I didn't know that meant we had to hide it from _everyone_ we came into contact with. I tried my best to push away the feelings of doubt that rose within me. I was embarrassed; embarrassed that I'd made a move on him in public but even more embarrassed that he'd turned me down. I fully understood that it was wrong to let a guy that I was in love with treat me like the flavor of the month but this wasn't just anyone, this was Edward. Save his stint in college, he'd never really made me feel the way I felt now; _rejected_. And confused. All week we'd talked about missing each other, but face to face things were different.

The middle of the dance floor at the Autism auction was neither the time nor place to think about it, though. I relished the moment and the song came to an end soon after.

"How about we grab a drink before dinner?" I asked, trying to make my voice sound as light and carefree as possible.

"Sure, we can do that," he said in what sounded like a tired voice, pulling me in the direction of the bar. He ordered a Black Russian and I ordered a flute of Champagne. Before he had even received his drink I had chugged my flute, definitely noting that I needed to loosen up if I was going to submit myself to this masochistic torture of having Edward as my "date".

"Woah there, tiger," Edward warned, pulling the almost empty glass from my lips. "Maybe you want to take it easy? You're technically working."

I just smiled at him and spoke to the bartender over his shoulder.

"I'll have another, please."

Edward clenched his jaw as the bartender passed over a second flute.

"Bella, I don't really think you need another champagne."

I could see the flash of warning in his face.

_Men. What did he think was going to happen? And since when had he earned the right to talk to me about my alcohol consumption?_

I tried to keep my thoughts purely internal but a little bit of my frustration might have slipped out.

"Okay, _dad_," I baited him.

Surprisingly, he said nothing.

We found our way to an empty table and after a few minutes my drink had kicked in, effectively killing any negativity and tension I felt between us. When I did feel like speaking to him again he had apparently had the same idea, and just like that we were in deep discussion about the likelihood that Bran from Game of Thrones would end up as the new king of Westeros.

"The kid can't even fucking walk, Bella, how's he going to cut it as king?" Edward asked, exasperated.

"You can be a handicapped king, Edward, there's no rule that says you can't," I scoffed, downing my last bit of champagne.

"Ok but his entire family is already wanted, there's no way they're going to let him waltz right in and take the throne. The Lannisters'll skin him alive!" Edward threw his hands up in mock disbelief.

"I'm just saying," I laughed, leaning back in my seat, "it's going to be the one you least expect."

A moment of silence passed between us before we simultaneously looked at each other and yelled, "Arya!"

Our outburst had garnered the attention of the table next to us so we laughed as we tried our best to keep our epiphany to a minimum. "It makes so much sense," I whispered into Edward's ear. Before he could respond we were being asked by our waiter for our dinner order.

Edward ordered the filet and I ordered the vegetarian option: pasta. And another champagne, of course.

We spent the rest of the night talking and slipped out before the actual auction began. My bosses had seen me, I got my free meal and booze and I was ready to leave. Corina was right, I couldn't really afford to bid on any of the items anyway.

Edward helped me into the passenger's seat of his Volvo. He made his way around the car and slid into the driver's seat, taking off with a lurch.

I laughed, "Dramatic much?"

"What's the point of buying a car if you can't show off a little?" he winked at me, and I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

"You're leasing this," I reminded him, still laughing.

"Minor detail, my dear," he joked, waving me off. "I think I'll downsize soon, though. When I buy a new car, I'm gonna get a coup."

"Why do you even need a coup, you don't think you'll need more space than that?"

Edward shook his head, "And who exactly do you think rides in this car with me besides you? "I'll have two seats, one for me, and one for you. That's all I need," he said, finding my hand and giving it a squeeze.

I gulped and turned to face the building passing by. He knew how to sweet talk me. Despite what happened tonight, I couldn't keep down the feeling of wanton within me. He was irresistible when he was flirting with me. I wasn't made of stone.

We rode in comfortable silence back to his apartment.

"Would you mind if we stayed here tonight? I haven't been home all week but I really don't want to fall asleep without you next to me."

It was a good thing I wasn't standing because I felt my knees go weak again.

"Of course," I said, opening the door and letting the night air hit my warming face. If he kept saying things like that we might not even make it to his apartment. He was too smooth. Almost smooth enough to make me forget the stunt he pulled tonight.

When we reached his unit he flicked on the lights, throwing the room into visibility. His apartment was tidy and simplistic; nothing like mine, which was smaller, but felt much cozier and well lived in.

He dropped his keys on the table by the door and led me directly to the shower. While it warmed he grabbed two towels and placed them on the counter. The entire time he rushed around I just stood there, unsure of what to do.

We didn't spend nearly as much time in his apartment as we did in mine. The majority of the time we spent together was either out with friends or at my place. It dawned on me that Edward wasn't as open with his home as I was, even with me.

The sad thing was thought I'd probably spent more time here than anyone else he knew. The thought made me feel sad for Edward. It seemed so…isolated.

Pushing those thoughts from my head, I stood in silence.

Was he saying that he wanted us to shower together? He hadn't said a word on the way up here so I had assumed we'd just go straight to bed, but clearly he had other plans.

"What's wrong?" he asked concernedly, moving to cup my face in his hands. I looked up at him and I swore the champagne was making me see stars. His green eyes and bright smile instantly made a warmth spread in my stomach.

"Nothing, I'm perfect," I smiled. He leaned down to kiss me gently and I responded to his lips immediately. It didn't take much for things to get heated between us these days, and our innocent kisses had turned into a fights to see who could get the other person naked faster.

I hastily tugged the shirt out of his pants, trying my best not to break our kiss. Edward helped me before turning his attention to the dress and groaned in frustration.

"Shit, how do you get this thing off?"

"Unzip the back," I said breathily, turning my back to him. Zipper undone and dress dropped to the ground, we were back to being a collision of hands and mouths. We managed to strip Edward down to his boxers, and he kicked them off, his penis springing to life. He pressed himself up against me, his way of showing me what I was doing to him.

My hand automatically gravitated towards him, grasping confidently and stroking slightly. He moaned and unclipped my bra, mouth flying to my breasts as the article disappeared.

The shower had started to steam up to the point where neither of us could really see around the room. I saw the outline of him move as he dropped to his knees, kissing my stomach and hips lightly before puling my black lace thong down my legs. I struggled for a moment and balanced myself with a hand on his shoulder as I stepped out of the article of clothing. He didn't waste any time and pushed me lightly against the counter.

I jumped slightly as my butt hit the cold surface. Goose bumps bloomed when Edward ran a hand down my right leg and nudged it over his shoulder. The tingling between my legs increased tenfold at the gesture.

He was always so confident in his actions when it came to this. He knew how to make me feel wanted.

I obliged and exposed myself to him, letting my head fall back against the mirror as he kissed my thigh as close as he could to my center as possible without actually putting his mouth on me.

I squirmed in anticipation and began to pant slightly.

"Please," I managed to choke out, and he didn't need any more encouragement than that. He flicked his tongue against my bundle of nerves and I moaned, enjoying whatever little bit of contact he was giving me.

He moved his entire mouth to cover my clit, sliding two fingers into my opening. The noise that emanated from me sounded a lot like a sigh of relief. It had almost been a week since we'd had any physical contact.

"Fuck, you're so wet," he admired, his fingers sliding easily in and out of me. It was hard for me to muster the energy to sit up straight as he continued to lavish my center with attention. He was hitting my g-spot perfectly and it was hard to concentrate on anything other than my body preening at Edward's touch. It had only been a week but I was responding to him as if I'd never done this before.

My orgasm was quickly building but right as I was reaching my peak Edward slowed his movements.

My head shot up.

"What are you doing?" I whined worriedly, but he merely responded by standing to his full height and capturing my lips with his. I lapped at his mouth, the taste of myself igniting my sudden _need _for him.

He picked me up by my thighs again, and I immediately wrapped around his waist. He carried us both into the shower and I did my best to reach over to shut the glass door behind us.

As soon as it clicked shut he was pushing me against the wall, letting the spray of hot water help move our bodies against one another. I moaned into his mouth and he pushed me further into the tiles, his kisses becoming more fervent.

He erection was painfully poking at me at this point, and I couldn't stand not having him inside of me a second longer. As if he read my thoughts, he broke the kiss and grabbed my legs carefully, slinging them over each of his arms. I'd never had shower sex with anyone before him. Mostly because I'd never been with anyone whose libido was above vanilla grade, so as he maneuvered my body into this new position I was unsure of what to do. That is until I felt myself open even wider to him.

He let the head of his penis tease my entrance slightly before sliding all the way into me. We moaned simultaneously and I gripped his shoulders, needing the extra support. He grabbed my waist with my legs still over his arms and began to guide me slowly, causing me to move on him. My eyes nearly rolled in the back of my head from the feeling.

I moaned loudly a the feeling of him buried inside of me. He continued to control our speed and rhythm, and I let out a cry of frustration. He'd spent enough time letting me get acquainted with every inch of him. I needed him to go faster; he was torturing me with these slow movements.

He must have noticed my efforts to move my hips and took my hint to pick up the pace. He began to move his hands on my waist a little faster, causing the friction and speed between our bodies to increase.

I moaned and leaned forward to kiss Edward, his mouth swallowing my scream soon after. I could feel myself tightening around him again and prayed that he wouldn't leave me on edge this time. I was involuntarily clenching so hard that he must have felt it. Normally our sessions could go much longer than this, but the mixture of heat and water and not seeing each other for a week caused him to come much sooner than I'm sure either of us had anticipated. It wasn't long until we were both reaching our peak together.

I leaned my head against the shower tiles, vision blurred from the orgasm and the consistent fall of water from the shower head. Edward leaned his head on my shoulder, panting from the movement and steam and overall euphoria that overtook us.

We stood like that for several minutes before Edward let me down, wobbly legs and all. We finished showering and Edward offered me one of the two towels he brought, wrapping the other around himself. He rummaged in his drawers while I stood by quietly.

"Sweats?" I asked as he handed me a pair. "You know they won't fit."

"This is all I have. Your other option is to go naked," he grinned. "On second thought, the sweats aren't up for grabs anymore."

I snatched a t-shirt from the drawer and swatted him with it. He just laughed and pulled on the pair of sweats he tried to hand me.

"Come on, you. Time for bed," He said through a yawn as he turned down the comforter. I hopped into bed as he snuggled down, pulling the covers over the both of us once I was settled. His arm snaked over my waist under the covers.

"You smell like me."

I hummed contently as I let myself be pulled in to his embrace. He buried his face in my neck before pulling back with a scrunched up nose.

"You're hair is wet," he said, attempting to push it up and out of his face.

I laughed and replied, "I know, I didn't have time to do anything to it. You ambushed me."

He nudged my feet playfully, "Did not."

"Did too," I replied. "You literally stole me away from a party and took me back to your little love cave, then you sexed me up and threw me in bed. I didn't have time to really think about what I was going to do with my hair."

"I did sex you up, didn't I?" he asked, cockiness in his voice. I hit him on his hip. Out of everything I'd said, that was all he'd heard.

I felt his chest rumble with laughter and I knew at that moment that I would never be able to go back to just being Edward's friend. He had me, hook, line, and sinker. There was nothing I could do about it.

As I listened to his breathing even out I couldn't help but think that even if I could, I wouldn't want to do anything about it.


	6. six

**Characters borrowed from S. Meyer**

Chapter 6:

**Bella**

The next several weeks flew by.

Alice and Jasper had gotten engaged finally. He'd proposed by one of those extremely cheesy and entirely too adorable scavenger hunt challenges, and Alice unsurprisingly accepted on the spot. I was happy for the two of them. If anyone deserved the head-over-heels, can't-imagine-my-life-without-you kind of love it was the two of them, and I was so glad that they'd found that with one another. During everything in college, when Alice had pushed the both of us away, Jasper had been there.

We hadn't known that at the time but when she moved back home and everything had been mended, that was the first thing she told us. We've all come such a long way since then, so to see Alice moving on and finally getting this little slice of bliss in her life was well deserved.

Jasper and Alice had also told us that they'd be holding their engagement party in Texas. Not only were all of their college friends there, but Jasper's family sadly outnumbered Alice's by quite a few people. It made more sense to go to the masses instead of trying to bring them all out here.

I understood their reasoning. What's more, I was excited to get to spend a few days out of Seattle.

Meanwhile, things with Edward and I were going very well. When we weren't working, we spent every moment possible together, either at my place for movie nights or his place for dinner. We were practically inseparable, and our little weekend rendezvous had turned into nightly occurrences.

I could feel myself falling truly, irrevocably in love with him. Despite my best efforts to keep our physical relationship as just that, I couldn't deny the feelings that had grown since the start of whatever we were doing. There were so many occasions on which I'd almost blurted out my feelings for him, the words just dying to make it past my lips.

Of course, we'd already professed our love to each other more times than we could count throughout the course of our friendship. And even though it always felt like I meant it a little differently than he did, I'd never told him that I was _in love _with him.

True to his character, he remained oblivious.

One Sunday morning after we'd stayed in bed playing virtual table hockey against each other, he kissed my forehead and the gesture suddenly gave me courage enough to let him know my true feelings. He'd always reminded me that he didn't _do _girlfriends and commitment and blah blah blah, but the urge to let him know had grown too strong.

Even if I couldn't be with him, I couldn't keep it bottled up.

"Wow, that's the very first round of table hockey you've ever beaten me in. I have to give credit where credit is due," he said dutifully, and when I smiled up at him he leaned down and kissed me.

"Can I tell you a secret?" he said, leaning his forehead on mine

"You secret is safe with me," I said as I mimed zipping my lips and throwing away the key.

"You're kind of my favorite," he announced in a loud whisper, and I bit my lip. "Don't tell the others."

"I thought you were going to tell me a real secret."

He smirked.

"You didn't know you were my favorite."

"I've always known," I smiled, and I barely contained the words that had bubbled to my lips, on the verge of spilling themselves out.

My heart thumped wildly in my chest as I continued, "Can I tell you a secret?"

He mimicked the same mouth zipping that I had done, "Of course."

I swallowed hard as I searched his eyes. They held their usual softened expression. I almost chickened out, but then I reasoned that there would never be a right time to tell your emotionally crippled best friend of twelve years that you were in love with him despite the fact that you knew he had a fear of commitment.

"What's wrong?" He asked, thumbing over my cheek lightly.

"I think I'm falling in love with you."

Edward just chuckled and replied, "That's the effect I seem to have on women."

I stilled and rolled my eyes. He was trying to make a joke of this and I wouldn't let him. I was exposing true feelings here, I couldn't let him think I was kidding.

"This isn't a joke, Edward. I love you. I mean, I'm _in _love with you."

* * *

><p><strong>Edward<strong>

I couldn't manage to get my brain to form a coherent response.

"Oh."

_Oh? That's the best you can do? The girl is baring her soul here and the best you can come up with is a one syllable word?_

"It's ok," she said with a light tremble in her voice. "You don't have to say anything back. I don't even know why I said anything in the first place, it was stupid. It's fine, we can just forget that I said that."

"No it's fine. I'm...I'm uh…glad you told me. I just - you know that I don't do the whole feelings thing, B."

"I know," she whispered, tracing the pattern on her bed sheets. "I guest I just felt like I had to tell you. You don't have to say it back."

I looked at her guiltily.

"You know that if I wanted to be in a relationship with anyone, it would be you but...I can't do this," I sighed. "I really can't."

"No, I know. I- I'm sorry, I...yeah, I'm sorry."

I slid slightly off the bed before speaking up, "I should probably go anyway."

She grimaced and nodded, and the expression on my face as I collected my clothes matched hers.

"Besides, I just remembered that I promised to meet Emmett and Rose for breakfast."

"Oh, cool. Where are you guys going?" she asked after a small hesitation, like she was trying to decide whether to call me out on my bullshit or not.

"That diner on 6th street, I think. Emmett read about some new French toast stack in the paper that he just has to try."

Bella's chuckle was forced as she sat up with the sheet still covering her.

"Typical," she muttered. I could tell she was trying to keep the mood light. "Would you mind getting some of that coffee cake for me? I'm heading in to the office to work on some stuff but I can swing by your place and pick it up after if you'll be home."

"Actually," I hesitated, "I'm heading to the gym with the guys around that time. We're doing some new core building technique and I don't want to miss it. I'm not sure what time I'll get home."

Bella's face was covered in a small smile, "Ok, well just call me whenever you get back and we can figure it out."

For some reason I knew that she wasn't talking about getting the cake to her.

I nodded quickly while I pulled on the grey and black jacket I had on last night. I made a move to leave the room when Bella called to me again.

"Edward, don't freak out on me ok? I don't expect you to say it back or be my boyfriend all of a sudden."

"Of course I know that," I tried my best to smile at her, this gorgeous woman I was leaving naked in bed because I was too afraid of her feelings. "I'll see you later."

I didn't stay long enough to hear her return my goodbye.

The days following that were tense. Thankfully I didn't have time to dwell on everything too much because of the extra hours I'd been putting in at work to compensate for the week I'd be in Texas for Alice and Jasper's engagement party.

It seemed like everyone was getting married these days. First Ben and Angela and now Jasper and my sister. I didn't see the appeal, honestly. It was downright crazy, giving that much of yourself to someone and giving them the ability to destroy you. To be fair, I'd made my fair share of attempts. I was in high school the first time I hit a romantic bump in the road, but they say that young love in its purest form can do anything so I kept pursuing the wretched emotional roller coaster that is a relationship.

Basically, it was just disappointment after disappointment. After being hurt as badly as I had been, I lost interest in giving anything to anyone. When I got to college I tried to date Lauren for a few months, but she possessive to the point of having to call it quits. Not that I was disappointed.

And then there was Irina, who had even less of me than Lauren did. I'll admit that I never really gave it a chance, but after my realizations it was hard for me to stay focused on one girl.

That's when I had decided I couldn't mix romance and companionship.

For a few brief weeks Bella had made me forget why I ever thought that.

Until she revealed how she'd been feeling.

I couldn't handle it. I wasn't even capable of loving anyone like that anymore.

oOo

A little part of me was disappointed when I arrived at Alice's Tuesday morning to find that Bella wasn't there. We'd been hiding out from each other but I was hoping that the flight would give us some time to talk.

_"_When is Bella getting here?" I asked, trying my best to be nonchalant about it.

Alice huffed as she brought the last of her bags down the front steps of the condo she shared with Jasper.

"She couldn't make this flight. She didn't tell you?" Alice questioned in a strained breath. I helped her lift her massive bag into the car.

"No, she hasn't said anything about it."

"Oh, ok, well she's actually going to fly out tomorrow. She said something about having to finish up at work today. Rose and Em are flying out tomorrow too, I think."

I frowned.

It was doubtful that she had to stay back to finish work. This is what she does whenever she's upset. She shuts herself off from everyone else.

Alice continued, "I'm surprised she didn't say anything to you. She told me that you already knew. When you showed up this morning I was surprised that you were coming today. I thought maybe you had switched your flight, too."

I rubbed the back of my neck.

"It must've slipped her mind."

The rest of that day went smoothly. We landed in Houston about seven hours later and checked into the Four Seasons. Wednesday was spent lounging around mostly, so when Alice had informed me that everyone else had landed at the airport, I was more than happy to pick them up.

"I'll go get them," I told Alice as we stood around in my grandparent's hotel room.

"Such a sweet boy, Eddie," my grandmother, Elizabeth Cullen, patted my arm with a smile.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I grumbled. "We've just been in the hotel all day. I could use a little fresh air."

"I'll come with you, son. So you won't have to make the trip alone," my grandfather, Edward Sr., offered.

"I'll be fine Gramps, it's barely a half hour trip."

"Fine by me. Lizzy, my love, shall we take a trip down to the spa? I know you're probably a little stiff after that flight," Gramps said, leaving my sister and I alone in the room.

"Thanks, Edward. Jazz and I could use a little alone time," she giggled and I grimaced.

"Gross, Al."

"Hey don't be pissed off at me because you're not getting any," she chuckled, pushing me playfully.

"I get plenty, thank you," I mumbled.

_Not anymore_, my brain trolled.

"Yeah, I know."

My head snapped up. "You know?"

"About you and Bella," she shrugged.

"She told you?" I groaned.

"Yeah, but she didn't _have_ to, you guys kind of gave it away."

"Wha-how so?"

"Maybe because you guys never stop looking at each other. And every time we're out you're joined at the hip. I know you've been through things together that make you closer than the average friends but after you guys stared hooking up you just started acting…different. And you guys seemed happy for awhile so I never said anything."

I didn't respond, unsure of what to say. I guess it's all true technically, nothing to dispute.

"She didn't stay behind for work, did she?" she questioned, resting her hand on my knee.

I shook my head, "We got into a...fight, kind of. Well, not a fight so much as a, I don't know, breakup I guess?"

Alice smirked.

"So that means there was an actual relationship to break up then?"

I shook my head again.

"Not exactly, it's- or, it _was_ more physical than anything. We said we wouldn't complicate it by adding labels and feelings but that didn't happen," I finished as I cringed.

"Oh, Edward," she said sadly, "Please say you turned her down gently."

"How do you even know that I had to turn her down at all? She could've been the one to turn me down," I defended.

Alice scoffed, "Yeah, I doubt that. If there's one thing I know about you, dear brother, it is your lack of commitment to women. Even a woman like Bella. It's ok, though, that's just how you are. We still love you." She nudged my shoulder slightly and her words caused me to frown even more.

"That's what caused a problem in the first place. She told me she was falling in love with me."

Alice groaned and buried her face in her hands, muffling her words, "What did you say?"

"I didn't say anything. I told her I had to meet Em and Rose for breakfast and I left. I haven't seen her since."

"And when did this happen?" Alice asked.

"Sunday."

"Well that explains it," was all she said. It almost sounded like she was…disappointed.

I shook the thought from my head.

"I'll be back soon. What airline is everyone flying into?"

"Bella is coming from United and Rose and Em are on Southwest."


	7. seven

**Characters borrowed from S. Meyer**

Chapter 7:

**Bella**

I decided that flying was the worst. I did not feel like being on a plane or dealing with anyone. I'd already put it off for a day, opting to travel alone instead of with the that I assumed Edward would have been a chatty Kathy, but I still didn't want to risk seeing him.

I was embarrassed, and seeing him, how okay he was with not talking and not having feelings.

Bleh.

He seemed fine, and I wasn't, and that was the worst.

If I could, I'd go back in time and slap some sense into past Bella.

Hindsight is always 20/20, they say.

I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't hiding out for the rest of Sunday and Monday. Alice had called and asked if I wanted to go shopping with her for some last minute trip necessities, but I passed in the name of being busy with work. I told her that I was going to change my flight because I couldn't get out of work but I actually spent both of those work days at home, packing and mentally prepping myself for the trial that stood before me.

Maybe I was being a bit dramatic, but being around Edward after what had happened was going to be hard. If I thought I had no idea how to act around him when we started hooking up, then I definitely had no idea how to act around him now that we were on the outs.

Sure, we fought as friends but fighting as…whatever we were would be a lot different. I didn't even know where we stood at this point. It's not like we'd even fought. That would have required some actual concern on his part.

Whatever happened between us, he was indifferent about it. Which made the fact that I'd professed my undying love to him even more pathetic.

I sighed and leaned back into my seat, willing myself to let some of the tension ease out of my body. Two hours after take off I managed to fall asleep.

Despite my best efforts, I stilled dreamed of that green eyed, messy haired man.

oOo

I was startled awake by sounds of people packing up and the plane bouncing over the tarmac as we touched down.

Rose and Emmett were waiting in an area near the exit when I reached baggage claim. Rose stood when she saw me and enveloped me in a hug. Emmett and I stuck to our usual fist bump.

"How was your flight?" she asked, walking with me to the conveyer belt that flashed my flight number over it.

"It was good, I actually nearly slept the entire way," I told her, thrusting my hands into the pockets of my cardigan.

"I'm glad you got some rest. They've really been working you hard at the firm. Dick move, right? Keeping you at work until the last second," she said, looping our arms as we watched the leftover bags circle around for the umpteenth time.

"Totally. It'll be nice to get away for a few days," I grinned, resting my head on her shoulder. "How long until Alice and everyone get here?"

"Al said Edward was coming to pick us up around three thirty. We were just waiting for your flight to land but you're here right on time so I'm sure he's close. I'll text him just to make sure," she said as she typed quickly on her phone.

We chatted for a few minutes until we heard the signature iMessage notification and the phone was illuminating her face once more.

"He said he'll be here in 10."

Another beep.

I noticed that she scrunched her face as she read her messages.

"What's wrong?" I asked, looking over to catch a glimpse of her screen.

"Edward wants to know if you're ok," she said, and I saw her type the words:

_Yeah, she made it safely. We're at baggage claim now._

I refocused my attention to finding my bag and caught a glimpse of it out of the corner of my eye. I dashed away from Rose to retrieve it and when I returned to her side, she was holding her phone out for me to read.

_Glad she's safe, ask her if she's feeling ok. _

I rolled my eyes and grabbed the phone.

_She said you should ask her yourself instead of going through me._

I handed back the phone and Rose read what I wrote.

"Is everything ok?" she followed behind me as I led us back to the exits.

"He's being a jackass. We haven't talked in days and instead of just coming to me directly he's trying to go through you. I'm just annoyed with him. I promise none of this negative energy is aimed toward you," I spoke as I dropped down in the seat beside Emmett.

"Edward?" he asked, and I nodded.

"I figured. I saw him Monday and he was the biggest asshole. I figured it was either something at work or something with you. Those are the only two things that ever get him going," he explained, and I had to bite my cheek to keep myself from asking for more details.

Instead, I forced myself to chat about things like the weather and the party Friday.

When Rose informed us that Edward was at the curb my heart jumped. I followed them out of the doors to see him leaning against the car. His eyes were hidden by his Ray-Bans but I would bet my life that they were on me. He moved to open the trunk of the Pilot and greeted Emmett and Rose when they reached him. Emmett began hauling the bags into the car and Rose hopped into the backseat.

I'm pretty sure she was trying to give us some privacy, but I really wish she hadn't.

"Hey," Edward said, coming to stand in front of me on the curb. He was still standing on the street while I was on the curb, putting us a little more eye level with one another.

"Hey," I breathed, hesitating before I leaned in to give him a hug.

It was stiff and awkward and not like us at all.

I hated it.

Edward cleared his throat and spoke again, "I know we can't really talk here but before this whole week starts I just wanted to apologize."

"Edward, stop," I spoke, the words laced with a little more force than I'd anticipated. "If it has anything to do with Sunday or the whole thing between us just don't bring it up. I don't want to talk about it," I stuffed my hands in my pockets and looked down at the gum spots on the pavement.

"Please, Bella. I don't want it to be like this," Edward lowered his voice for only the two of us to hear. I could see Emmett loading the last bag in the car from the corner of my eye.

"No, Edward. You can't walk out on me and ignore me for two days and try to talk to me through Rose and expect for everything to be ok. If you had anything to say, you missed your chance. Let's just forget about it," I said. I didn't even wait for him to respond before I headed for the car myself, sliding in on the opposite side of Rose. She had left me the seat _behind_ Edward's.

God bless her.

* * *

><p><strong>Edward<strong>

I replayed the scene over and over in my head.

_"I'm in love with you."_

It was my biggest fear come true. All the things that I had never meant to happen between Bella and I happened at warp speed. Maybe because we'd known each other for so long. Maybe because we're best friends.

_Were _best friends? I don't know.

It's not that I didn't care for Bella. I cared more for her than my own damn flesh and blood. She made me want to do and say things I hadn't wanted to do or say since I was a stupid kid with a stupid dream of finding the elusive "happily ever after" everyone always talked about.

I just couldn't bring myself to utter those words. I couldn't put them out into the universe because as soon as I did I knew they'd come back to bite me in the ass. By not returning Bella's feelings I was making things tense, but I would've doomed us if I had returned them without really feeling them.

It was hard, and getting harder.

Because Bella had been so dismissive about it. She told me she was in love with me and then just dropped it. She understood that I couldn't say those words back to her so she just...let it go. She didn't cuss me out or throw anything, she just told me to forget about it. Even when I was rejecting her, she was still trying to do what made me happy.

_She was in love with me._

And I was an asshole.

Yes, I loved her, but _that _kind of love? That was a road I'd traveled too often, surrendered to far too much before I learned my lesson. It was better this way.

That way no one got seriously hurt. It was good this way, so that no one had time to get more invested.

After she landed, Bella and I hadn't even made an effort to see each other. It had been four days since her revelation and after our first conversation I hid in the shadows, but she hadn't tried to come forward either so I guess we were two peas in a pod.

I had needed more time to work up enough nerve to face her again. The entire time we'd been in Texas I didn't actually get to spend any time with her. It was almost as if we'd started taking shifts at being with my family. The only time I'd ever see her was when we all had dinner together, and afterwards she and Alice would always run off to talk about party stuff that I did not want to get involved in.

The first time I really saw her was at the engagement party.

_Fuck everyone and their goddamn happiness. Love is overrated._

I tossed the entire night before, the anxiety I felt in the pit of my stomach kept me up all night. Despite my lack of sleep, when Friday morning came I was in a surprisingly good mood. I was going to see Bella, and that made me happy. Love shit aside, she was an awesome fucking person, and at that moment the only the thing I wanted more than anything else was my best friend.

When I walked into the party that evening I was surprised. Alice and Jasper had actually managed to pull together a nice event in the short amount of time they had. Alice was a miracle worker, though, so I should've guessed.

They'd left early in the morning to setup, Rose and Emmett were nowhere to be found, and my grandparents had left for the party much earlier than I wanted to so I arrived by myself and mingled with people I'd never met. If I thought Alice knew a lot of people, Jasper knew _way _more. No wonder they'd decided to have their party in Texas.

And then, as if a fucking radar went off in my head as soon as she stepped in the room, Bella was there.

And she was gorgeous.

I almost didn't register that she greeted me.

"Hey," she said, and I couldn't help but admire her.

I stood there in stunned silence. I didn't know that we were speaking, but if she wanted to talk to me then I would take it.

"Hey," I returned. My mind blanked on anything to say and an uncomfortable silence fell between the two of us.

_Fuck. This is worse than I thought it would be._

I cleared my throat.

"You look beautiful," I told her with a genuine smile. The dark red dress she was wearing had just a bit of lace over the chest that extended all the way up to the neck and did nothing to hide her cleavage.

"Thanks," she ducked her head and shot me a small smile.

"Bella! Edward!" We heard Alice squeal over the low rumble of the crowd. She was approaching us quickly, pulling Jasper behind her. I had to admit, he looked _so fucking happy_.

"You guys made it!" she said, hugging the both of us at the same time, causing Bella and I to bump shoulders. It was the first contact I'd had with her since I fled from her apartment last week.

"I forgot that I didn't leave the directions from the hotel so I'm glad you guys found it!"

Alice started to ramble on about some other stupid shit that I didn't care about and I zoned her out. Being this close to Bella was making my stomach flip and my brain go all mush.

I was in my right mind for most of the night after that because Bella had pretty much avoided me like the plague. I started to think she was more afraid of talking to me than I was of talking to her, and the more attention I paid to her ignoring me, the more foul my mood became. The only time it got worse is when some asshat decided to pull her up for a dance.

_She's not yours,_ my brain taunted. _She can dance with anyone she wants. _

_Except for this guy._

He was too touchy-feely for my taste.

I watched from across the room, watched as this asshole paraded her around like some show dog. Like she came with him, like she was going home with him.

I couldn't let that happen.

"Excuse me," I cleared my throat as I approached them. "Sorry to interrupt, would you mind if I cut in?" I asked as cordially as I could muster. Isn't that what people do in these situations?

The guy nodded to me with a pleasant smile and kissed Bella's hand goodbye.

_Ugh. _

I offered my hand, "Wanna dance?"

She nodded silently and stepped closer and I placed a hand on her lower back.

More silence.

"I've haven't seen much of you this week," I said, trying to catch her eye.

"We've both been busy," she breathed, still not looking up at me.

I groaned internally.

"You hate me, don't you?" I asked, the concern evident in my voice.

"No, I don't hate you."

I tried to give her a pointed look. "Really? Because you're doing that thing where you ignore me and dodge me whenever I try to come near you."

Her eyes finally caught mine, her expression soft.

"That's not true. I've been entertaining people and meeting everyone. I haven't been avoiding you."

"Bella," I spoke softly, my eyes searching hers for any kind of admission to what I was saying.

She sighed and looked up at the ceiling.

"Fine, I've been avoiding you,"

"I knew it," I told her, giving her a pointed look. "Stop it," I scolded, shaking her body between my hands. She jostled and laughed, not the least bit annoyed at my antics.

"I don't know Edward, its awkward. I don't know how to act around you. I just..." she trailed off and I cupped the back of her neck with my hand, my thumb running lightly over her earlobe .

"Tell me," I stated simply.

"Its hard to be around you," she said simply.

I sighed and dropped my hand from her face. Even though I'd been avoiding her for the very same reason, it was harder to hear from the other side. I couldn't say those words back but I couldn't _not _say them either.

"Do you remember what we said before this all happened?"

She nodded and stared at a point past my shoulder.

"No complications," she recited robotically. She was shutting down on me, I could tell, but I couldn't blame her.

"Look," I started, searching for the right way to word this. "I need you, Bella. You're the most important part of my life and I can't risk screwing that up. I can't let a relationship ruin what we have. So I'm asking you to do me a favor, ok? I just need you to forget about everything after that night. I need things to just go back to the way they were."

I studied her face as I said the words, but her eyes and expression were blank.

And then she was smiling that fucking thousand watt smile.

"Got it."


	8. eight

**Characters borrowed from S. Meyer**

Chapter 8:

**Edward**

Over the next few weeks things had almost gone back to normal. I could have happily fallen back into our routine, but I could tell Bella was hesitant.

Distant was probably a better word for it.

We'd been through a lot before. Hell, we'd gone through the death of my parents, my crazy exes, our year of long distance friendship when she had gone to college, and the crazy year after that. I thought we'd been through enough to know how to get through this.

But this was different.

Because even though she was distant, she was still very present in my life. We both knew that things weren't ok, but for some reason acted like they were. She was there for every group outing, every 'family dinner', every small moment.

But hanging out with her alone was nearly impossible. She wouldn't agree to something if at least one of our friends wasn't going to be there. She always had some reason as to why she couldn't hang out after work or grab lunch together. She never texted me first, and the only time we'd talk on the phone is when I'd called her in an effort to get any semblance of our previous friendship back.

The thing that made it hurt was that she didn't even seem bothered by anything.

She was just...indifferent.

When I'd complain about a bad day or gripe about work, she'd listen attentively and give little to no advice. She wouldn't argue with me over anything and she refused to let me pay for anything of hers. She was also decidedly less affectionate.

I first noticed it once when we were out with everyone. She was sitting in the stool next to me in some seedy nightclub that Rose had sworn would be a good time. When I went to wrap my arm around her shoulder, she smiled slightly and said "excuse me" before moving down the bar, closer to the bartender. She asked for a Ginger Ale and then got distracted by Rosalie and Alice. I waited for her to come back over but she never sat back down.

I watched her make her rounds and use every person in that room as a buffer.

The next incident happened at the fall carnival at the end of October.

We'd been talking by one of the booths when I moved to push a piece of hair out of her face. She recoiled at my touch, grinned sheepishly at me and then pushed the piece of hair behind her ear herself.

She wouldn't hug me if I didn't initiate it, she wouldn't kiss my cheek goodbye or let me hold her hands to warm them from the cold air like I always did. She wouldn't accept my offer of piggy back rides and would resist any playful shoves and nudges.

She had become a stone wall to me, physically.

She'd never physically rejected my touch before. Usually I had my arm slung around her, or she was leaning in to me as we stood in line, or she had her head on my chest while we were watching a movie.

When I finally convinced her to spend some time alone with me, we started our scary movie marathon at my place one weekend.

Naturally, she chose to sit on the opposite end of the couch.

"Come over here, I grabbed us a blanket," I said. I had already tucked myself under one edge and left the other side open for her. She just smiled at me and shook her head.

"Nah, I'm good. I'm wearing these double layers so I'm already pretty cozy."

"I'm sure your jacket isn't comfortable to wear in the house."

"I'm fine, Edward. Thank you," she said in that polite tone that I was growing to resent.

She spent the rest of the movie shivering.

The next time I managed to get her along was for a surprise lunch one day. It was a Wednesday, and we usually made our Greek food run to the mom and pop place up the street. We spent an hour downtown, eating our food and strolling around the small park nearby. As we walked I "casually" let my arm brush hers. I couldn't help but notice that she subtly put distance between us, stepping to her right to avoid the contact. When I managed to get close enough again, I "accidentally" brushed my hand against hers. Her hands were in her pockets no more than five seconds later.

I groaned internally, frustrated at the fact that she wouldn't let me touch her. I hadn't noticed how affectionate we'd been until she stopped acting that way around me. I couldn't deny that I actually missed it.

I could handle the end of our friends with benefits thing. I knew the sex couldn't last, but this was much worse. The lack of any physical connection, even the simplest touch, turned out to be glaringly more difficult than not sleeping with her.

I know I technically had no right to be upset because I had been the one to let her go, but when I asked her for things to go back to normal I was asking her to just be my friend, not a stranger.


	9. nine

**Characters borrowed from S. Meyer**

Chapter 9:

**Bella**

"Jesus, Bella, please tell me you're joking," Alice begged, frozen in the doorway of the bathroom in my hotel room.

I straightened my back against the bathtub an dropped my head into my hands.

The three white sticks lined up neatly on the counter top all read the same thing.

Positive.

"There's a chance they could be false," she said, voice full of hope that I didn't think either one of us actually had.

I humored her with a chuckle.

"All three of them, Ali?"

"It could happen," she shrugged, stepping forward as if to hug me. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do with her there. How I was supposed to act. I had always dealt with things in my own way, and for some reason hugging always made it worse.

She slid in between my body and the wall, her hand draped over my legs.

I couldn't stop the tears from welling up.

By no means did I think that this pregnancy was a bad thing, but I knew that my circumstances were less than ideal.

Not that I would admit remembering this to her, but Alice had warned me to be careful. She had all but pleaded for me not to get involved with Edward.

And I hated myself because I didn't listen.

"Are you going to keep it?"

I shrugged and hugged my knees to my chest, my unshed tears pooling in my eyes.

"I don't know yet."

"Do you think you'll tell Edward?"

I shrugged again, "I guess it depends on where we stand when its time to make that decision."

"How far along do you think you are?"

"Uh, everything started between us in August so it could be as far back as two and a half months," I calculated on an exhale, burying my face once again. "I think I had my period around my birthday, though, so probably less than that; maybe five or six weeks."

She was silent a moment before saying, "Come on. Let's go get coffee or something."

She grabbed my hands gingerly and helped pull me up from the floor.

"I don't think I can have much coffee, Al."

"Fine, we'll go for sushi," She said with a straight face.

"You're an idiot," I laughed as she pulled me in for a hug that I definitely wasn't expecting. I hugged her back tightly.

At least one of the Cullens was around to share this moment.

Later that night I smoothed down the front of my dress as I examined myself in the floor length mirror.

My hands came to rest over my stomach and I mentally kicked myself for being so careless.

Earlier today I told Alice that I wasn't sure when I had gotten pregnant, but I lied. I could pinpoint the week exactly.

I kept putting off picking up my refill pack of birth control. It was two weeks before my birthday, and between my caseload at work and planning a party, it slipped my mind. I had my period the week before I turned 25, and I told myself that if Edward and I did slip up (which we did; _a lot_) I would take emergency contraception.

And then my birthday came and Edward was being very…_generous. _I had let the emergency contraception slip my mind, and I picked up my pills the next time I went to the pharmacy.

I remembered my lapse when I looked at my calendar, which is what prompted me to buy the tests in the first place.

I couldn't decide which was worse, the fact that I slept with Edward so easily or that I had told him I loved him so easily.

On my way to the party I decided that for the sake of the baby, I would let things go. If there was any chance that he and I would be parents together, I needed to make amends. I knew I couldn't very well avoid the father of my child forever.

So right then and there in a taxi cab in Houston, Texas, I resolved to do whatever it took to look out for my child, even if that meant being just friends with its father.

He wouldn't even have to know.

oOo

"Oh come on, go on the ride with us. It'll be fun!" Rose pleaded with me, but I wasn't budging.

"I just came to play games, Ro. I don't really feel like making myself sick," I explained, trying to resist her pull on my arm.

"How about Bella stays with me and you get Alice?" Jasper asked, pulling my arm in the opposite direction as Alice skipped forward.

"Yeah forget these party poopers. They can hold our stuff," she said, removing her scarf and wrapping it around my neck. They laughed good-naturedly and took off with Emmett towards a ride call Spin Out. I got nauseous just looking at it.

Not that it took much these days.

Jasper grabbed my arm and guided me to a bench nearby. I could see everyone else chatting excitedly in line.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and rubbing it to create some heat.

"I'm fine," I said warily.

He looked at me skeptically.

"Are you really?"

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?" I asked.

"Don't know, you just seem off, I guess."

"I'm good, forget about me. What about you, how is everything with the engagement? I know that Alice can be a handful," I smiled and he returned it easily.

"She is, but she's amazing and I wouldn't trade one second of this life with her. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't always been easy, but she's so different from that broken girl I met in college. I feel like she's finally found herself again and I'm just happy to be along for the ride," he continued to smile as he looked through the crowd at her.

I grinned and looked at my hands.

"Yeah, she's pretty great."

Jasper's phone buzzed in his pocket and he reached in to retrieve it. He read a text and laughed lowly to himself before typing back vigorously.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"Edward's out in the parking lot trying to find a spot and he's sending me some very colorful complaints," Jazz said offhandedly and stood up before extending his hand to me. "Shall we?"

I looked at his outstretched hand.

"Shall we what?"

"Go get Edward from the parking lot. It'll take him forever to find us in this crowd," Jasper explained, and I had to agree with him.

"How about I just hold down the bench instead? You go find him and bring him back, that way we won't lose our seats,"

"You'll be ok by yourself?" he asked while walking backwards in the direction of the entrance.

"Positive. I'll wait here," I told him, settling down into the bench a little further.

He returned a few minutes later with a delicious looking Edward and they both held even better looking caramel apples slices in their hands.

My eyes brightened at the sight of the sweet.

"Are you planning on sharing that?" I spoke up, eyeing Jasper's hungrily. Caramel apples were hands down my favorite carnival treat.

"No," Jasper joked, pulling the confectionary treat out of my line of vision. I stuck my tongue out at him. "Edward has yours."

Edward sat beside me on the bench and I could feel time halt as his shoulder rubbed against mine.

"Here," he said, leaning over to hand me the plastic container, "I know they're your favorite."

"Mmmmmmmmm," I said in a delighted tone, grabbing it from his hands and grabbing a slice with my fingers. The caramel drizzled over the top was still a little soft and warm.

Perfection.

"Thanks," I said through a mouthful and he just winked at me.

"I'm going over to ask Alice if she wants a bite," Jasper said, making his way over to everyone else who were now making their way to a new ride.

We sat quietly next to one another for a minute while I essentially made love to a piece of fruit.

"What took you so long?" I asked.

"I was deciding on whether or not I should come," he said, and I looked over at him through a curtain of hair. The wind had really picked up and it did nothing for the mop on my head.

When I said nothing, he continued.

"I wasn't sure if you'd want me here," he glanced over at me and I smiled, guilt riddling my emotions.

"You know you're always welcome, Edward. These are your friends, too. Don't let me being around deter you from getting to see everyone."

I felt awful for making him feel like he wasn't allowed to hang out with the group.

"I was more worried about seeing you, actually," he said lowly, following me when I got up to throw away the container. "After we went bowling the other day I kind of got the feeling that you don't really want me around."

He was standing in front of me, the light from the ring toss booth beside us illuminating his face.

"I would never want that," I said as my bangs fell into my face once again.

Damn caramel apple. Sticky hands and hair just don't mix.

Edward chuckled and stepped closer to me, moving his hand up to the bothersome flyaways.

Before I could catch myself I was moving my head away from his hand. I couldn't let him touch me. If he touched me, he'd have control, and I couldn't have that.

Sticky hands be damned, I pushed the hair back myself and grinned sheepishly, hoping that movement hadn't come off as drastic as I had imagined.

He smiled sadly and lowered his hand, which made me guess that he had noticed.

"Good because it's almost Halloween, so you know what that means," his smile brightened and I was happy to have passed that awkward moment so seamlessly. I had to hand it to him; he was not easily deterred.

"Movies!" I said enthusiastically and he nodded in confirmation.

"Exactly! I have our entire line up already picked out. I figure we could start Monday off with something light."

"Let me guess. The Nightmare Before Christmas?" I smirked and he glared.

"Maybe."

I laughed because I knew him too well.

"It's a classic!" he defended, and I didn't refute his claim.

"I totally agree. We just never got to it last year so I figured it would come up in the next rotation."

We laughed together as I heard Jasper and everyone coming up behind us. Before I could turn Edward had grabbed my hand to stop me from leaving.

"So you'll come over to watch then?" He asked hopefully, and I had to admit that this was one of our traditions that I didn't want to pass up. Halloween was my favorite and if I was going to work on forgiving Edward I had to learn how to be around him again.

"Of course," I smiled.


	10. ten

**Characters borrowed from S. Meyer**

Chapter 10:

**Bella | November**

"Congratulations, Miss Swan. It looks like you've got a healthy baby," Dr. Barrett, my OBGYN smiled at me. "Next time we'll start testing for any fetal abnormalities, but it'll be a few weeks, ok? Make the appointment with the nurse on the way out."

"Oh, Bells, this is so exciting! We can start buying things for the baby soon," Alice clapped her hands quietly as Dr. Barrett stepped out of the room.

"Not until I tell Edward," I reasoned, pulling at my clothes. Alice just groaned.

"You're gonna have to tell him soon, Bella."

"I know, I'm just scared. If it goes anything like our last conversation then I'd rather just put it off."

"Oh come on this is different. We're talking about a child; _his child. _I think it'll be better this time."

"Right," I mumbled.

"You haven't even given him a chance to redeem himself, you know that right?"

"I'm sorry, _what?_"

She scoffed and crossed her arms over her chest, "You know it's true. I swear, if I have to listen to him complain about how disconnected you two are_ one more time-"_

Wait.

"We're not disconnected. I mean, it's not easy but I - I'm - yeah I'm normal. Pretty normal. As normal as I can be."

Alice smirked, "Right, _normal. _You acting normal around him is why he's always grumbling on about how you're shutting him out and acting like everything is fine when it's not?"

"I think he's just being a little sensitive."

Alice continued, "You know, I never thought I'd say this but I actually feel kind of sorry for him. Ok, so yeah, he acted like a dick and he totally screwed up by walking out on you but at least he didn't do it to purposely hurt you. _You've_ been dragging him through the mud for weeks."

Hot tears started to blur my vision. I wiped at them with the back of my hand.

_Do not cry, Bella. So help me God…_

"It's not as easy as you make it sound. I can handle him rejecting me but if he rejects the baby, I don't think we'll make it back from that."

Alice sighed, pulling me into a hug and resting her head on top of mine.

"You've got to tell him."

Her pleading tone caught me off guard. She'd been my support system for the last few weeks and as much as I appreciated it, I knew I was looking to the wrong person. It wasn't her job to look after me or the baby. It technically wasn't Edward's job either but he had more of a responsibility than his sister did.

I wasn't being fair to her by making her hide it from him. It wasn't her secret to keep.

"I'll tell him today."

* * *

><p><strong>Edward<strong>

Bella was at my front door and the uneasy feeling I got every time I'd seen her since Texas hit me full force.

"Hey," I said with a quizzical look. "Is everything ok?"

Her brows furrowed, "Everything's fine, I just felt like dropping by. Is that ok?"

"Yeah, of course. Come in."

She hadn't been to my place in ages, but not for my lack of trying. I had pretty much used any excuse I could think of to get her to stop by but she always came up with some reason to steer clear.

"Sorry I didn't call, I was just in the neighborhood," she said, and her attention was caught by the small mountain of mail that was piled on the table.

"Stop it," I stepped forward to slap her hand lightly and take the mail from her. "You're such a hoverer. And since when do you have to check in on me?" I raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "I'll have you know that I'm actually quite responsible."

She let out a short bark of laughter, "You know, you're actually _not _that responsible. You killed my turtle when we were fifteen."

"Ok, first of all, that turtle was spawned from the depths of hell. He tried to snap at me every time I fed him," I said, pointing a finger at her. "Also, I thought the heat lamp had a timer."

"You're really going to try to defend yourself here? What about the time I let you borrow my iPod and you gave it back to me covered in ink?" she glowered.

"Are you ever going to let me live that down? It was an accident! And you're not exactly blameless."

Her eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"Really? Nothing I've done is worse than whatever you did when we were younger."

I snapped my fingers. "How about the time you didn't show up for jury duty and they put out a warrant for your arrest? For shame, Bella."

"That wasn't my fault, my dad never gave me the summons! And they didn't put out a warrant for my arrest, stop exaggerating." She smiled briefly and then said, "Am I interrupting?"

"No, I was just about to make dinner. Want to stick around?"

"What are you making?"

"I'm making whatever you're in the mood for."

"Escargot?" Her tone was overly excited and I glared.

"Correction, I'm making whatever _food _you're in the mood for."

"Some people eat snails, Edward. Maybe they're really delicious, and you've been missing out this whole time," she challenged.

"That's highly doubtful, Bella. They're snails. It's just not natural," I shuddered.

She chuckled lightly before changing the subject, "I was actually thinking we could take a walk."

"Um…sure. What's the occasion?" I asked suspiciously.

"I want to talk," she stated simply.

A lump formed in my throat. "That's terrifying."

We made it down to the street in complete silence and had walked a couple of blocks by the time either of us spoke again.

"You're scaring me."

"I want to talk but I don't know where to start, honestly," she shrugged.

"Maybe with an apology?" I asked sheepishly. "I was a jerk. I should have never walked out on you like that. I should've stayed in bed and talked to you about it rationally instead of freaking out and running away."

"That was a really shitty thing to do," she whispered.

"I know," I frowned. "I didn't really think about what I was doing but I hope you know that I didn't do it to hurt you. I was scared and it all felt like too much. You were looking at me like you wanted me to say it back and I just couldn't."

She scoffed. "And you think I wasn't afraid of what I was feeling?"

"No, of course I know it wasn't easy but-"

"No, it wasn't. You were the _one person _I told myself I wouldn't fall for, but you swooped in and did the whole...thing," she gestured wildly," and I thought maybe it wouldn't be so bad to tell you how I felt, that maybe you'd make an exception for me. But you _walked out on me. _Do you know how humiliating that was? And then we didn't talk for days afterward."

I groaned.

"I _tried _to apologize to you at the airport."

"Only because you felt guilty and you wanted me to absolve you," she said accusingly.

"Of course I felt guilty, Bella. You looked so hurt that day and then you were pissed off at the airport. I didn't know what to say but I knew that I needed you to forgive me. And I'll take responsibility for treating you the way I did, but you have to at least own up to the fact that you haven't stopped punishing me for everything."

"_I've_ been punishing _you_?" she cried. "It's been _killing me_ to try and act normal around you!"

"God, just _be normal_, Bella. You don't have to act like anything. You say everything is fine but then you'll go and talk to every single person in the room except for me. You won't look at me or spend any time with me if someone doesn't force you to," I hissed.

Bella laughed coldly as she turned from me. "Fuck off Edward. Don't act like it's such a surprise. You know why I can't just be normal around you."

I grabbed for her arm to stop her from leaving. She wasn't allowed to bring up something like this and then walk away from it. I had too much to say; I was still too angry with her for treating me like I didn't mean anything to her anymore.

"Fine," I egged her on, "if you'll only be my friend if I date you then so be it."

She pushed me away roughly with tears pooling in her eyes and I knew she knew what I meant.

"That's not fair," she whispered.

"What's not fair," I said as I stepped closer to her, "is that I lost my best friend over this bullshit. I get it, you're mad that I wouldn't date you but how long are you going to hold it over me? I'm sorry that I messed up B, but it's not fair that you're trying to force me into something that I told you I didn't want in the first place."

She pushed me again.

"God, how are you so blind? How the hell am I supposed to act when the one person I love most in the world treats me like I was a mistake? It wasn't a mistake for me, Edward! You have no idea how long I waited for you to notice me. I've wanted you for years and I never said anything because I knew it's not what you wanted. I sacrificed my happiness to make your life easier and just when I think you're about to see things for what they really are you go and act like the royal asshole you're being right now."

My mind stilled at her confession. She didn't have feelings for me before this. I was with her all the time, I would have noticed if she were ever acting that way toward me.

She was pacing in front of me and I could see the tiny droplets falling from her chin.

"God, I'm such an idiot."

"Bella-" I started, but she cut me off before I could get any words out.

"Whatever, fuck it," she swiped at her tears. "That's not what I wanted to talk to you about."

"What is it then?" I bit out, annoyed that she had cut me off. I was tired of the arguing and the fighting and the ignoring. My patience for handling things her way was wearing thin. I just wanted to get this sorted so we could get back to normal.

She closed her eyes and what she said next nearly knocked the wind out of me.

"I'm pregnant."

The silence between us stretched on, the only sounds I could hear were those of the city around us.

The words hung in the air.

"You're…pregnant?" I repeated, unsure if I had heard her correctly. She nodded but she still had her eyes closed and I couldn't tell if she was serious or not.

"Have you, you know, been with anyone else since…everything?" I asked, and I knew too late that that was the wrong thing to say. Her eyes snapped open and I could see the anger flash across her face.

"Are you _serious_?"

I swallowed hard and nodded, waiting for her answer.

She scoffed and shook her head.

"No, I haven't been with anyone else. I'm not like you, I couldn't do that."

"Like me?" I asked, and for some reason her words caused my chest to constrict.

"I don't sleep around," she explained. My expression turned a little darker.

"I haven't been sleeping around, Bella. I haven't been with anyone since you."

"Don't act like that such a jump, for me to think you've been with other people. You don't have the greatest track record."

I took a few moments to breathe and calm myself before this conversation got out of control. "How far along are you?"

"Nine weeks," she informed me. "I found out when we were in Texas."

"Texas?" I shouted, causing her to jump.

"Yes, Texas," she snapped, "The day of the party."

"And the doctor confirmed it?"

I had to be sure.

She just nodded once more and I asked my final question.

"And you're _sure_ it's mine?"

Bella covered her face in her hands and let out a loud, frustrated cry.

"No its not, but since things are going so great with us I thought I'd try to pawn it off on you instead of the real father. What the fuck, Edward? _Of course _its yours!" she yelled,her outburst catching me off guard.

"Calm down, I just wanted to be sure," I told her, shoving my hands into my pockets.

"The fact that I'm telling you that it's yours should be confirmation enough," she spat. "Look, I don't expect anything from you, ok? I just thought you should know because I think I'm going to keep it."

"Ok," I started slowly. "Should we get married then?" I gulped. If it were for a good reason, maybe I could do it.

She burst out into laughter and I stared at her wide-eyed.

She'd lost her mind.

"Bella…" I snapped, hoping to break her out of her moment. She was being ridiculous.

"You're unbelievable!" she raved. "I don't want to get married. I really don't even expect you to be involved. At this point, I'd rather do it alone. I only told you because Alice practically begged me to."

My eyebrow shot up. "Alice knows?"

"She was the first person I told."

I took a deep breath and let it out in one big puff. "Why wouldn't you want me involved?"

"Really, Edward?" Her tone held a hint of disbelief.

"Really," I repeated, if a little sadly.

She took a few seconds before she responded, "You broke my heart that day. I literally give everything that I am to you and you disregarded it so easily. If we have this baby then it will be the most important thing to me, and if you brush that off then I don't think I'd ever be able to forgive you. I'd rather you just stay away if you're still sowing your wild oats or whatever.

"Bella, if we're having a kid together I'm going to be around. I'd at least try to make it work."

"Make what work?" she cocked her head to the side.

"Us, as a couple," I stated. I thought that I had been pretty obvious about it.

"Why would you want that?" she asked lowly.

I shrugged. "You know, for the baby. Stable home and what not."

"No. We're not going to be those people who stay together for their kids," she laughed humorlessly.

"We could try, at least?"

"Edward, I don't need you to _try_ to make it work. I don't want that for myself, and you just said you don't want it either. We weren't in love before the baby so there's no use in pretending afterwards." She said dully, crossing her arms over her chest.

"So you're saying you don't want to be together?" I asked slowly.

"Not unless you're in love with me, too," She whispered.

I was silent. I didn't have a response for her. Well, I did, but I knew it wouldn't be one that she wanted so I chose to say nothing.

"That's what I thought," she said, a unreadable expression on her face. "I don't want you to propose to me because you think it's the right thing to do. I don't want you pretending that you're happy in a relationship that you don't want to be in. If you're going to be in our child's life then I just want you around. No running off when you get scared. I'll need you to stay."

"I would never leave you alone with a baby, Bella. I'm not going anywhere." I pleaded with her. For some reason I felt like she was trying to push me out of the situation, like it'd be easier if I weren't in the picture.

"Good," she sighed, nodded once conclusively.

"So what do we do now?"


	11. eleven

**Characters borrowed from S. Meyer**

Eleven

**Bella**

_This strategy plan will literally be the death of me._

I rubbed at my temples lightly. My newest client was a business owner that needed help with her image for a company she was starting. She was so controlling that I considered paying her to not be my client.

"Hey Bella, can I talk to you about the Marcs guy for a second? I just wanted to verify the last of the billing with you," Ben had popped his head into my office.

"Yeah, I was about to go to lunch but I can squeeze it in before hand if you want," I waved toward the seat across from me.

"Great, its just a couple of things and then I can let you go."

He dropped a cumbersome file onto my desk and my eyes widened slightly.

"We're not reviewing all of this are we?"

"What? Oh, no I just need you to look over this and sign a few lines before I submit it to."

A few minutes later someone was standing in the doorway clearing their throat.

"Bella, can I talk to you for a second?" Katherine, the office receptionist, asked. She was moving her hand in a quick come hither motion.

"What the hell?" I hissed, trying to break the grip she had on my arm when I followed her out of the room. She loosened her hand a little and smoothed down her dress.

"There's a ridiculously good looking man at reception asking for you, and I'm pretty sure he's my soul mate," she fawned, and I craned my neck to see Edward standing in the lobby holding a pink bakery box.

"Should I send him back?"

"Uh….give me a second, tell him I'll come out," I smiled.

"Sure. What's the story with him anyway, is he single?" she asked as she ogled him shamelessly.

"Technically yes I think? It's a little complicated," I said, untangling my arm from hers and heading back to my office.

"Edward is in the lobby, did you want to come out and see him?" I asked Ben, hoping that he would give me the buffer I needed to talk to Edward without things getting out of control. I wasn't over the conversation from yesterday and I wanted to use Ben as insurance that I wouldn't blow up on him here.

_And you're sure it's mine?_

I scowled at the phrase ran through my head and tried my best to keep my facial expression under control.

"Just tell him to head back here."

"He's on his lunch break so I don't want to keep him too long," I lied.

We walked down the hallway and I called out to Edward. I tried to sound as cheery as possible but it even sounded fake to my own ears.

"Edward, hi!"

He turned to face us and his smile faltered slightly as he spotted Ben.

"Oh Ben, I keep forgetting that you work here, too. Sorry man, I would've brought you some lunch if I had remembered, but I only got two croissants," Edward said apologetically.

"No worries, I actually just ate. Bells and I were just finishing up some paperwork but I have other things to do so we can worry about it after," he smiled and shook Edward's hand as I was mentally rolling me eyes.

"Perfect. Bella, can I borrow you for lunch?" Edward asked, extending the box to me. I took it begrudgingly and turned to Ben.

"Are you _sure _you don't need to finish up that paperwork now? It's really important, I don't want you to have to put it off because of me."

"It's nothing that can't wait until you guys get back," he smiled, and I nearly burst into flame from anger right there. Ben and I really needed to work on our non-verbal communication.

I turned to Edward to see him flashing his perfect teeth at me and my heart softened because he was too enticing for his own good. For anyone's good, really. Especially mine.

_Stop it, Bella._

He raised his eyebrows and held his hand out for mine.

After our conversation yesterday I had made a decision to stop hoping for Edward. There was a small part of me that always came back to him, no matter how he hurt me, but I knew that I had to let it go for my own sanity.

"That's really sweet but I'm not going to be able to make it. _But _Katy here hasn't take her lunch," I said as I walked toward Katherine and pulled her up from her seat. She grinned widely at me and greeted him enthusiastically.

Edward didn't bat an eyelash at my refusal to take his hand.

"I'm Katherine, nice to meet you," she shot him a smile and they shook hands.

_"_Edward, nice to meet you," he said, immediately refocusing his attention to me.

"I just remembered that I have a call but maybe you two could go together?" I said as I shoved the box back into his hands.

"Ok, yeah, no problem. I probably should've called first anyway. I was just really hoping that we could talk," he said disappointedly, his eyes searching my face. We stared at each other momentarily before he tilted his head to the side. I knew what his eyes were saying, that he was non verbally pleading with me to talk to him.

"How about I get in touch with you later? I've really got to take this call," I tried my best to sound apologetic. He simply nodded and his smile returned.

"Ok, I'll let you get to work then. Katherine, how do you feel about turkey, avocado croissant sandwiches?"

_No,_ my mind screamed. I loved those sandwiches!

"I've never had one but there's no time like the present," she giggled as I noticed Edward throwing one last glance my way as the pair exited the building. I had to turn my head before he could catch my eye.

Ben and I walked back to my office in silence.

"You wanna tell me what that was about or do I have to keep pretending like I haven't noticed there's something off between you two?" Ben asked, and I looked up to see him still examining his document.

"I'd rather not talk about it."

He merely nodded.

"Here's the next page I need you to review…"

* * *

><p>"How long do I have to stay like this?" I managed to sputter out.<p>

"Shhhh. Work on your breathing," Rose muttered out of the side of her mouth.

"I don't even like yoga, why are we doing this?" I grumbled, straining to hold my position. My legs didn't stretch the way this position required them to.

Rose breathed deeply and exhaled at her leisure. I rolled my eyes at how she was exaggerating to make a point.

"It's supposed to help with your nausea and increase your circulation. Plus you're supposed to feel really bonded to your baby, and your fellow classmates," she whispered with a smile.

"I'm only doing this because you promised me a cupcake."

She shushed me, refocused her attention and the room fell quiet, save for the "soothing ocean sounds" CD playing in the background.

"Rose, I'm really bored," I whined, standing up. "Let's just pretend we've done an hour and go have some dessert instead!"

She slumped in defeat, "Fine, but don't get mad at me when you're throwing it up in a few hours."

"It's my right as a pregnant woman to satisfy my cravings."

"You've been pregnant for like a day," she joked as we rolled up our mats.

"I'm almost ten weeks, and it's going by so slowly. I'm not even showing and I already want this thing out of me," I complained. "My emotions are out of control and I have to puke all the time, not just in the mornings."

"How about we focus on the positives, huh? In less than 30 weeks we'll have a beautiful new addition to our little family," she grinned widely.

"In less than 30 weeks I'm going to have to give birth to this thing. I wasn't blessed with child bearing hips!" I cried as I turned off the CD player.

"Calm down, you'll do great. Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?"

I smiled. "I haven't thought about it. Either way I'll be happy, as long as it's healthy."

"I hope you have a boy so we can dress him in dapper little outfits and I can post him all over my Instagram as my man crush." Her laughter was infectious and I couldn't help joining in.

Just then, my phone buzzed. It was Edward.

_Are you home? I'm leaving work now and I was hoping you'd let me stop by._

"If it's a girl what are you going to write for pictures with her?" I asked, amused.

"Maybe…hashtag besties, hastag new auntie, hashtag love of my life? Things like that," she listed off. I laughed at her ridiculousness.

"What would Emmett say if he found out he wasn't the love of your life anymore?"

She plopped down on the couch. "Who cares? Babies trump everything."

My phone buzzed again and I read the message from the lock screen.

_Please B?_

I sighed and typed back:

_I'm home_

"Rose, promise me you won't leave tonight, ok?" I begged, hiking up my knee to rest on the arm of the couch..

"Why?" she drawled slowly.

"Edward's coming over and I don't want to be alone with him," I informed her and she looked at me skeptically.

"That's exactly why you _should _be alone with him. You guys are clearly way off track and as much as I hate to vouch for Edward, I think maybe some time alone will do you good. You can talk and get it figured out because, frankly, everyone's getting a little tired of the Edward and Bella show."

I stepped back in surprise.

"Look," she said, scooting closer to me, "I love you both but he's the father of your child, you're going to have to learn how to be around him. I get that he broke your heart and it really sucks but you're going to be parents together. If you can't learn to be around him then it's going to make everything a lot harder than it has to be."

I let out a breath and crossed my arms defensively, "Fine, you can just leave now, then."

She looked surprised.

"Are you kicking me out or something?" she asked as she stood.

"Your words, not mine," I replied, looking her directly in the eye.

She let out a huff and grabbed her bag.

"You guys are so screwed up. I just want you to be happy, ok? You're making yourself miserable and I know you'd feel better if you just talked to him," she said as she went for the door.

I immediately felt guilty. She could be brash and unapologetic but she was never malicious. This is how she was trying to tell me that she was concerned. I understood that about her, but I felt bad that I still let it bother me.

"Rose," I called out, following her.

She turned to face me and I enveloped her in a hug. Her arms wrapped around me a few seconds later.

"I'm sorry, I'm not trying to kick you out. You just hit a soft spot," I said softly. "I know this whole situation is so stupid but it's hard. I'm doing the best I can."

"I know," she said, and she squeezed me once before we released each other.

"Call me if you need anything," she added.

"Of course. Get home safe," I waved after her.

Twenty minutes later I was standing back at my door, this time to welcome Edward.

"Hey," I said, offering a slight smile.

"Hey, I brought dinner," he said as he held up several plastic grocery bags.

"You brought me raw food? How thoughtful," I laughed, moving aside to let him in.

He dropped the bags on the counter in the kitchen and turned back to me.

"Yes, I brought raw food but after I cook it hopefully it won't be too bad," he said.

I cocked an eyebrow, "You're going to cook me dinner?"

His face held an expression of mock hurt. "Is that so unbelievable?"

"For you, yes," I retorted and tried to sneak a peek in the bags. "What have you brought me?"

"Do you remember what you asked me to make for you last week?"

I made a face as I racked my brain.

"Escargot," he filled in for me as he pulled out a black can of snails.

I nearly threw up on the spot.

"Edward, no," I struggled to catch my breath. Even the thought of snails floating in that can all slick and slimy just…oh god, I couldn't.

Edward laughed heartily and set the can down, coming forward to rub my back. I was hunched over with my hands on my knees.

"I'm joking! Take a deep breath," he chuckled, rubbing his hand in a smooth circular pattern. "I brought spaghetti and meatballs. Except these are turkey and spinach meatballs."

I took a deep breath and hoped this wave of nausea would pass quickly.

"And why are we adding spinach to the meatballs?"

"Because I read that it's good for the baby," he said seriously as he ushered me to the couch.

"Where did you read that?" I asked, leaning my head back on the couch with my eyes closed.

"In the baby book I bought."

I cracked open one eye.

"You bought yourself a baby book?"

"Well, yeah. I bought a few actually. I just want to make sure that I know what to do in every situation. I don't want any surprises when it comes to your health or the health of the baby," he said sternly. I began to giggle at the look on his face.

"Are you laughing at me, Swan?" he glared.

"No, not at you, just at this whole situation. I never thought I'd see the day that Edward Cullen would be reading baby books," I smiled.

"Yeah, well, Alice and I had a talk and she recently enlightened me on the error of my ways," he brought his hand up to rub the back of his neck.

"What did she say?" I asked skeptically, sitting up fully now.

"I would tell you but that ship has sailed. I came to your work because I wanted to talk about it over lunch but you sent me on a date instead. It was terrible, by the way. She didn't like the croissant which is like an automatic thhhhhpt," he showed me a thumbs down and I laughed.

"Well, I'm sorry. I mean she's cute and she's smart so I figured you'd be happy."

Silence passed between us momentarily.

"Why are you trying to set me up on dates, Bella?"

_Because the less focused on me you are the easier it will be for me to get through this without going mental. I need to show the both of us that I don't need you to be happy._

"Well, you and I aren't going to happen, and you said you haven't been with anyone since me so I thought maybe I'd help you out a little bit."

I fought the pain that was rising in my voice.

"I don't want help with that, B," he said, coming to sit on the coffee table in front of me. "I just want to be able to focus on you and the baby, ok? Whatever you need."

I didn't realize that it was actually something that could have bothered him. He sat unsmiling so I nodded.

"Yeah ok. Sorry."

He sighed and leaned forward to grab my hands, "When Alice and I talked she told me some things that really made me think about everything. It's like, super awkward and uncomfortable but I'm sorry, and I'm going to try to make things better now, ok?"

His defeated tone caught me off guard. I hadn't expected him to apologize, let alone understand that there was something that I would have liked him to apologize for.

"It's ok," I said, squeezing his hands.

"No it's not, and I'm going to spend as long as it takes making it up to you. You need to know how much I really care about you."

I was getting lost in his eyes so all I could do was smile and say, "Ok."

He smiled back and stood up, making his way back to the kitchen. I followed after him to see him loading groceries into the fridge.

"That looks like a lot of stuff for just spaghetti and meatballs," I perched on a chair and watched him unload the bags.

"That's because it's not all just for tonight. According to the books, you need a steady, nutritious diet. So, I've stocked you up on some essentials like," he reached into the bag and pulled out a container, "Greek yogurt. Apparently it has calcium, which is vital to baby's development."

"Ok," I grabbed the container from him, "yogurt it is. You're going to have ot help me out because there's no way I'm going to eat all of this."

"Of course not. Let's be real, I'll probably end up making most of it for you," he chuckled.

"Edward you don't have to make every single one of my meals," I protested.

"I know, but when I do have the chance, I'd like for you to let me. I've got a lot of time to make up for," he said as he grabbed the tub of yogurt from me and placed it in the fridge.

"Now," he clapped his hands together, "spaghetti time."

* * *

><p><strong>Edward<strong>

Things between Bella and I had been going surprisingly well after our conversation that night. We were far from having everything figured out but we had at least cleared the air. I'd been at her house for dinner every night for the past few weeks and it was the first time since our fall out that I felt like we were finally finding our groove again, which was funny considering that it took the exact opposite of things going back to normal for things to actually feel normal again.

Alice had told me as much, the day after Bella had told me she was carrying our kid.

I was getting really excited about Bella and I becoming parents. Even with everything still fucked up between us romantically, every little new thing we got to discover was like a mini-adventure. As my excitement for the baby grew, so did my feelings for its mother. Not that I'd tell her that because she had made it abundantly clear that she wanted to stay friends.

It seemed like she was making every effort she could to let me know that she didn't expect a relationship from me, but the more she pushed the more I felt pulled to her. Even with the baby coming, she was still giving me every opportunity to leave.

It was ironic how we had switched roles in such a short amount of time. The feelings I had for Bella had been growing since the very first time we hooked up, I had just been too reluctant to see it. But now, playing house with her and knowing a baby was on the way solidified everything I'd been pushing down.

So naturally, since I could finally admit my feelings for Bella, she had decided that it would be best if we just stayed friends, and that's when I knew ignoring my feelings had been a mistake.

Alice had warned me to put her needs before my own, and once she had said that she didn't feel the same way as she had before, I attempted to temper my feelings for her. It was all very backwards, and I could feel my resolve to stay away from her break every time she looked at me.

Earlier in the week I asked if we could do dinner somewhere outside of the apartment, using a lack of wanting to cook as my excuse to get her out of the house for a change. I didn't approach it like a date but it felt a hell of a lot like it. If I couldn't tell her about my feelings then I could at least show her, hoping she'd catch on and bring it up. I put in a little extra effort by showing up at her house with flowers and I couldn't help the grin that had overtaken my face when she blushed and stumbled on her words as she accepted them.

We went to the movies afterwards and shared popcorn and soda and I made sure to only get one straw. She fought me on it, naturally.

"Grab another straw, would you?" She said from behind me as she held the mountain of candy she had begged me for, claiming that her pregnancy cravings made her want all of it. I just laughed and bought whatever she pointed to.

"I'm fine with one straw," I brushed her off and she frowned.

"No one wants your germs, Edward," she scoffed.

I turned my back to the condiment stand and started walking directly towards her, using body language to signify that I wasn't going back for a second straw. She wouldn't let me intimidate her though, and she just stood there as I rounded on her. I had expected her to back up as I moved forward but she held her ground until our fronts were nearly touching, stretching her neck to look up at me.

"You're pregnant with my child, B. You've never had a problem with my germs before," I laughed, chest bumping her, and she conceded.

"Don't be crass, it was a momentary lapse in judgment," she scoffed, turning away from me to lead the way to the theater. My heart tightened at her words. "Once the baby is born you can't hold this whole pregnancy thing over me anymore."

When we were in the theater I felt myself itching to touch her. I knew grabbing for her hand would be too forward so I opted to sling my arm over the back of her chair. She didn't seem to notice because she never looked over at me, and I regretted my decision because it made it even more difficult not to touch her.

I was so focused on her that I don't even remember what we watched.

On the way back to the car I gave in to my urge and wrapped my arm around her as we walked. She leaned into my side and continued her normal conversation and something in me just felt so _right _in that moment. For the first time in forever it felt like we were both right where we needed to be; next to each other.

The next week we went grocery shopping and I could feel us making some leeway. She looped her arm through mine and rested her head on my shoulder when I said something that made her laugh, and my heart soared at the gesture. She was starting to feel comfortable enough to initiate physical contact again, and I almost couldn't contain how high I was from that one simple touch. I had to, though, because I didn't want to push her.

It was unusual to me to have to suppress how I was feeling. Hell, it was weird to even be feeling this way in the first place. For the first time since high school I was nervous to be around a girl, and for the first time ever I was nervous to be around Bella.

This was our new normal, though, and I had learned to live with it. We were returning to the pre-friends with benefits Edward and Bella, but the feeling of longing never dimmed within me, and being so close while simultaneously so far was torture. Every time I felt myself wanting to say something about it, I stopped. If I told her how I was feeling there was no way she'd believe me. She'd think it was because of the baby and that would set us back. The situation was complicated; it needed to be handled carefully.

When thanksgiving rolled around, we had long since fallen into a new routine.

"Edward, come on. You're taking forever. You let a pregnant woman get ready faster than you," I heard her yell from the living room.

"Stop rushing me, Alice always says that dinner starts thirty minutes before it actually does. Everybody knows that," I said as I straightened my tie in the bathroom mirror. I don't know why the hell Alice always insists on a dress code for Thanksgiving.

"Well hurry up, I promised I'd help her set the table," she yelled back.

When I walked out to the living room she was standing by the door with our coats in her arms.

"Thank you," I said as I took mine from her and slipped it on, and she started to follow my lead.

"Bella!" I gasped. She stilled her movements.

"What's wrong?"

I shook my head and grabbed her coat from her, and she rolled her eyes and turned so that I could help her into it.

"You know the rules," I laughed.

This would normally be the part of the routine where I kissed her forehead, but I hesitated. She hadn't let me do that in awhile, but in light of our recent interactions, I decided to chance it. I grabbed the front of her jacket and puller her to me and she merely smiled back.

We made our way to the car in the rain, only having been on the ride for a few minutes when I saw her lean her head back against the seat and breathe deeply.

"What's wrong? I asked.

"I just got really tired all of a sudden."

"I'll have you home in two hours, tops," I said. I hesitated before I reached for her hand.

"I'll bet I can get us out of there sooner than that," she smirked. "Being pregnant has its advantages."

"How far along are you now? Twelve weeks, right?"

She opened her eyes and I could see the wheels turning in her brain.

"Yep, twelve weeks. Which reminds me, I have an appointment next week."

"When is it? Maybe I could come with you," I offered excitedly.

"Its on Tuesday at three, I think but you don't have to go," she waved me off.

"I want to go," I protested. "I've never been to one of these things before and it's for you so I have to be there."

"You don't _have_ to be there," she stressed, and I could hear a little irritation in her tone.

"I didn't mean it like that," I sighed. "I was trying to say that I _want _to be there."

"Sorry," she said, letting her head fall back against the seat once more.

I heard her speak a few minutes later.

"It would be nice if you went."

"Then I'll be there."

We didn't say anything else but she squeezed my hand in acknowledgement.


	12. twelve

**Characters borrowed from S. Meyer**

Thirteen

**Bella**

After Alice's I had gone to bed pretty much straight after arriving. I was already lying down when Edward came to say goodnight.

"I'm heading out, do you need anything else?" he poked his head into my bedroom.

I yawned, "I'm fine. I'm full and sleepy and I have the sound of the rain to lull me to bed. I doubt I'll even wake up until Saturday."

"Ok, I'm leaving then. I'll lock the door behind me," he just laughed and moved to leave before I called him back.

He popped his head in again and waited for me to speak.

"I just wanted to say thank you for everything," I said as I sat up. I patted the spot next to me on the bed and I saw him hesitate before crossing the room to join me.

"Don't mention it, B. What are Edwards for?" he asked, batting his eyelashes and covering my hand with his.

I made a gagging noise, "The way you're blinking just looks painful."

He scowled at me before exhaling a gust of breath into my face playfully, causing the hair framing it to flutter. I crinkled my nose and batted at him, trying my best to ignore how his playfulness lately made me absurdly happy. I didn't realize how much I had missed this part of us until now.

"And I wanted to say that I'm really glad that I have you to go through all of this with. I know that we had a rocky start and that everything was...really weird at first but now it feels, like..oddly normal."

He just smiled and pulled me in for a hug.

"It wasn't the best start and believe me when I say that I regret that everyday, but we're in a great place now. I'm excited to see where we end up."

We pulled apart and he leaned in to kiss the side of my head. My eyes fluttered closed at the feeling of his lips.

That was when we heard the sound of the building losing power. Everything in my apartment went dark and it had suddenly become dead quiet, save for the ticking of my analog clock.

I puffed out a long breath, "Damn it, not again. I swear my landlords planned this. It happens the same time every year."

"That because the storms come the same time every year," he reasoned. "It's an old building. Next year, we'll remember to set out the blackout kit when November starts."

Pft. As if either of us had ever had a real blackout kit prepared.

"Anyway, I'll let you sleep. I'll text you tomorrow."

"Wait!" I cried. I couldn't make out his form in the dark so I wasn't sure how far he'd gone.

"You don't have to yell," he chuckled, "I'm right here."

"Sorry," I smiled apologetically, although I'm sure he couldn't see me. "Would you maybe be ok with staying here for a little while? Just until the power comes back on, at least."

"Of course," I heard his voice drift through the dark and I sighed in relief. Blackouts were creepy, I didn't want to be alone.

_Keep telling yourself that, girl, _my mind rattled off.

I heard rustling and the sound of his shoes being kicked off as I reclined again and faced the ceiling. I felt Edward sink down beside me, his shoulder touching mine. We let the stillness surround us as we lay side by side in bed.

"You would think that the black out would make me tired but it actually kind of woke me up," I muttered after a few minutes, tucking myself further into the bed.

"That's funny because I wasn't even tired and now that I'm in bed I don't want to get out," he said through a yawn.

"You don't have to leave if you don't want to," I said, turning to face him. My eyes had adjusted enough to the darkness so that I was finally able to make out his face.

"Are you sure?" he asked, turning towards me. "I don't want you to be uncomfortable or think i'm going to try anything."

"You know, there was a time when we slept in the same bed without worrying about having sex," I joked, regretting it almost immediately. Even mentioning the words sex when Edward was around ignited a fire within me, in spite of the fact that I knew I was supposed to be moving away from those types of thoughts. Not that it mattered anyway, I guess.

He breathed out a laugh and pulled me closer to him.

My heart was racing and my stomach was starting to tingle. I continued talking to distract myself, "I don't feel uncomfortable. We know where we stand and things are back to the way they used to be. Everything is back to normal, finally," I said as I faked another yawn to cover up the crack in my voice. Saying it out loud made it much more difficult to deal with.

Silence enveloped us again until Edward grumbled something a few minutes later.

"Can I tell you a something?"

"Sure."

"I kind of hate how everything turned out," he started.

"Edward, don't, it's fine-"

He ignored my plea. "You were waiting for me to come to my senses and I couldn't and I fucked it all up. Now I kind of regret it because everything is back to normal and it's not even close to what I thought I wanted," he said sleepily, and I wasn't sure if he was awake enough to know what he was saying.

"If I could go back and do it all over, I would. I'd make the right choice the second time around."

I drifted to sleep without responding.

* * *

><p><strong>Edward<strong>

I woke up the next morning to the sound of my cell alarm beeping. It was still drizzling from last night and everything was overcast, shrouding the room in a weird, gray aura. I looked at my phone, it read five thirty am on the dot.

I blinked the sleep out of my eye and glanced over, only to see Bella's back. Her head was on my arm that I'm pretty sure was completely dead. I considered moving but I didn't want to wake her, so I took the opportunity to snuggle back up to her.

She had barely let me touch her over the past few months. We were just now building up to simple gestures of affection, so any shred of contact I could get was always appreciated.

Her hair still smelled faintly of shampoo and it reminded me of the first night we'd been together. It reminder me of the way she'd felt underneath me, her soft skin and her ridiculously sexy mouth.

I shook the thoughts from my head.

If I wanted Bella to take me seriously I couldn't bring sex into the equation. Sex had screwed things up the first time and I wasn't going ot let it happen again without making sure she knew all of the other reasons I wanted her that weren't sex.

Granted, she and I had always had good chemistry as friends. But there was also the thing where we could talk about nearly anything for hours on end, and how we'd always had similar interests, our sense of humors matched up perfectly, and our emotional connection was far beyond a connection I had with anyone else.

In the end, though, it had taken the physical intimacy for me to open my eyes up to the truth about my feelings for her. It made me realize that I'd had it wrong all along. I didn't want companionship and romance to be separate. I wanted them both, and I wanted them with her.

If she would let me.

I heard her say my name and stir beside me. I leaned in closer as she called me again.

"Edward?" she said sleepily.

"Hmmm?" I responded. My voice was too rough to actually say any words.

"Your feet are freezing," she said and I laughed.

I flattened my toes against her calf and she squirmed, trying to push me away.

"Stop, you're draining all the warmth from my body," she grumbled and pulled the covers tighter around herself, her head disappearing below the comforter.

"You snored, you know," I said through a yawn.

"I was just so tired. I'm still really tired. Why are you trying to talk to me at…five thirty five in the morning anyway?"

She had twisted her neck to read the analog clock, which took her quite a few more seconds than it should have.

"Because I'm a morning person, and you're such a great conversationalist when you're grumpy," I said. She just hummed in response.

"And I'm starving."

"You ate like 6,000 pounds of turkey yesterday, how are you hungry?"

"And I might've also told Alice we'd go Black Friday shopping with her," I squinted as I neared the end of my sentence, waiting for the impact.

"Why would you promise Alice, of all people, that we'd go shopping with her?"

"Because she's excited to buy stuff for the baby and so am I so I told her we'd go? We can't go without you because you have to pick stuff you like."

Bella groaned into the pillow before replying, "You do realize that you literally picked the worst day of the year to go shopping with the worst person to ever go shopping with, right? We're probably not going to be back until this time tomorrow."

"Right, but you forget about our secret weapon," I wriggled my eyebrows.

She looked at me skeptically, "And what would that be?"

"The baby," I smiled.

* * *

><p><strong>Alice<strong>

"Well aren't we a happy bunch?" I smiled widely as I opened the door to Bella, Edward, and Emmett standing before me, all wearing similar looks of dismay on their faces.

"Fuck you, Alice," Bella grumbled, passing by me and making a beeline for the couch, where Jasper was currently passed out. Emmett and Edward followed her lead.

"Love you, too," I sang after her. She only got away with it because she was pregnant.

"Edward, are you wearing the same clothes from yesterday?" I wrinkled my nose.

That could only mean one thing.

I resisted the urge to smirk in his face.

"Bella's power went out when we got back so I stayed with her. I didn't have anything to change into," he shrugged, not giving me much to go on.

I made a mental note to talk to him about that later.

"So, it's just us. Rosalie refused to be here for this because she sucks and we all hate her now, so grab your mug of coco and let's head down. Christmas season has officially begun!" I cheered, moving to hand everyone the mugs I had prepared just before they'd arrived.

"Can we get real coffee somewhere?" I heard Emmett mutter to Edward, who quietly agreed.

Our first stop was the Westfield closest to us. I had convinced Bella to go to the Gap Kids sale and the boys wanted to check out other stupid stores that I had no patience for.

"Gap is this way, Bells," I said as I pulled her sleeve. She was a little more cheery since the hot coco so she walked along side me contently.

"We're heading to GNC," Emmett said, all three of them walking in the opposite direction.

I was browsing for a few minutes with Bella when I heard her say, "You guys are done at GNC already? That was quick," and I saw Edward standing beside her.

"No, I just decided that I'd rather be here with you, looking at baby stuff," he said simply, bringing his hand up to rub the back of her neck. I could see the smile spread across Bella's face.

It was the same smile that spread across mine.

_Good job, Edward._

"I don't even know what kind of stuff we're allowed to get without knowing the sex of the baby yet," Bella said as she rifled through a rack of baby jackets.

I shrugged, "Just basic stuff. Onesies, socks, hats, those kinds of things."

We ended up only purchasing a few essentials because their selection was terrible, but I promised Bella we could go to Babies R Us after.

"That's ok Al, I don't think I'm up for all of that today," she said, patting her stomach as a cop out. Damn her.

"Fine, but we're going to miss all the good sales," I tried to convince her, but she wasn't having it. So we settled for looking at department stores.

We eventfully found Emmett and Jasper and met up with them in the food court. It was astronomically packed so when we found an open table Bella agreed to hold it for us while we bought food. Edward and I were standing in line for pretzel dogs when I glanced over and noticed a dark haired guy standing by our table talking to her.

They were smiling and laughing about something. My eyes narrowed.

She wouldn't dare flirt with another guy while she was pregnant with my brother's baby. I knew they weren't together but that was a different kind of fucked up I glanced over to see if Edward had noticed and apparently he had because he was wearing an expression similar to mine.

Instead of stomping over there like I assumed he would have done, he clenched his jaw and refocused his attention on the menu above the cash register.

"Edward -" I started, but he cut me off.

"It's fine, Alice," he said tersely.

"It's probably not what it looks like," I offered, hoping that would be of some sort of help.

Edward sighed, his eyes never leaving the menu, "Even if it is what it looks like, it's none of my business."

The line took another fifteen minutes despite being one of the shorter ones. By the time we returned to the table Bella was by herself again. She eyed the trays of food carefully and beamed.

"Mmmmm…is any of that for me?" She asked with bright eyes.

"Yeah, I just got you a pepperoni pretzel," I said, resisting the urge to bring up the fact that she was flirting with someone else in front of Edward. Well, not technically in front of Edward but near Edward.

"Thank you," she said, taking the foil wrapped item from me.

* * *

><p><strong>Edward<strong>

We ate in silence and it took everything in me not to ask about who the hell Bella had been talking to. As soon as I saw the guy my instinct was to go over and tell him to fuck off but Alice's words about trust and Bella's happiness replayed in my head and I stayed rooted to my spot in line.

I couldn't keep Bella from exploring those options. She wasn't my girlfriend, just the mother of my child.

That sounded so backwards.

Admittedly, seeing that had put me in a funk. I wasn't in the mood to be cheery and get in touch with my inner Christmas spirit as Alice had put it. I just wanted to get Bella back home so that we could go on living in our own twisted little bubble. It was so much easier when it was just the two of us. When we were out, it was a different story. She was always getting noticed by guys because she was gorgeous, but this was the first time I really wasn't allowed to interfere.

I was itching to say something but decided against it. Things were going so well with us that I didn't want to start a fight. We'd worked so hard to make it to a good place.

"So, who was that guy that was over here earlier while we were in line?" Alice asked.

_Bless you, Alice._

"Just some guy trying to convince me to go to his kiosk. He was flirting more than anything, though," she said offhandedly.

_Ugh._

"Yeah, I could tell he was flirting from all the way across the mall," Alice quipped, and Bella's eyes grew wide in agreement.

"Right? He was so over the top about it. I pretty much told him to piss off because he was overly aggressive but even if he were nicer about it I still would've told him to kick rocks. I'm pregnant for goodness sake. I'll worry about dating later," she laughed, talking through a bite of pretzel.

My heart was torn in that moment. I couldn't decide if I was happy that she wasn't interested in dating anyone or unhappy that the reason was because she was pregnant, not because she was interested in me.

Before the conversation could progress any further Emmett and Jasper showed up at the table with their trays.

"Oh, here," Bella said, standing up and gesturing to her seat. We all looked at her as if she'd grown an extra head.

Emmett shook his head, "No, Bella, I'm not taking your seat. You're a woman and you're pregnant. What kind of asshole do you take me for?"

She pouted, "Please take my seat? I'm almost done eating anyway. Plus a pretzel is easier to eat standing up than your Chinese food anyway."

"No, I'll find somewhere else to sit," he said, looking around the food court for a single seat.

"Sit on my lap, Bells," I perked up, grabbing for her hand. I pulled her down with a plop into my lap and she turned to look at me skeptically for a bit before replying, "Are you sure? I probably weight a ton."

"I'm sure, and you're fine," I replied, wrapping my hand around her waist and resting my head on her back.

Emmett chimed in, sliding into Bella's vacant seat, "Yeah, are you sure? Her sitting on your lap is how you guys got into this mess in the first place."

His laughter boomed and I swear Bella's cheeks turned the brightest red I'd ever seen. Alice punched Emmett in the arm.

"Gross Emmett, you're just being crude!"

"You know, it's fine. I actually wanted to go to bath and body works anyway," Bella squeaked, shooting up off of my lap. She was clearly embarrassed by what Emmett had said. I frowned and glared at him. He simply shrugged and made an apologetic face.

"I wanted to go too, Bells. Can you wait for me? I'm almost done," Alice asked.

"Ummm… ok, well I'll just…head into Francesca's while I wait," she said and shot off in the direction of the stores.

"Way to go, Em," I said through gritted teeth, putting my pretzel on the tray and going after her.

"Well she did, technically," I heard Emmett trying to defend himself before Alice and Jasper both sighed loudly.

I found Bella buried deep in Francesca's. I'd never been in here but it looked like it just sold a bunch of random stuff. She was looking at a rack of necklaces when I approached her.

"Don't listen to Emmett, he's an idiot," I started and she turned in surprise before returning her attention on the jewelry.

"No it's fine. Technically he's right, that _is_ what got us into this mess in the first place," she chuckled humorlessly.

"He didn't mean it like that, nobody thinks its a mess," I tried to reason. Truth be told, I don't know how he meant it, and maybe people did think it was a mess. "What we had was more than just sex. You know that, right?"

She shrugged wordlessly and I groaned internally. Two steps forward, one step back.

Why was this so hard?


	13. thirteen

**Characters borrowed from S. Meyer**

Thirteen

**Bella**

"Do I have to tell my dad?" I groaned, moving my feet to rest on the chair in front of me. Even for a Tuesday afternoon, it was surprisingly empty in my OBGYN's office.

Edward rolled his eyes. "Bella he's going to figure it out sooner or later. By the time Christmas rolls around you're going to be showing."

"Can you just tell him for me, please, Edward? He has a soft spot for you, he won't be as upset with you as he will be with me," I whined.

"You say that like we're two teenagers who got caught with their hands down each other's pants. You're an adult, B, he understands that. Plus, if you're afraid to tell him, why would I want to?"

"Because you don't want me to get murdered by my own father. You know, I'm so sick of his double standards. In high school he practically congratulated you when he overheard us talking about you losing your virginity, but when he found out that Tyler kissed me he got all upset," I ranted.

Edward snorted, "That's because Crowley was an idiot, not a boy. He got his tongue stuck to the flagpole. The same tongue that kissed you that year, mind you."

"It was one time!" I cried as I threw my hands in the air. "Besides, I would've gotten more play if _someone _hadn't been cock blocking my entire life."

"I have no regrets," Edward said proudly, and I chucked my lip balm at him.

I hated when he said stuff like that because it made me think that this thing between us was more.

He caught it effortlessly and tucked it into his pocket.

"Please, Edward?"

He sighed and looked at me squarely, his tone sobering, "Bella, as much as I want to be there for you, I can't go back there. There are too many memories. I don't think I'm ready to handle all of that yet."

His honesty and sincerity had surprised me. We rarely talked about his parents, their death or about everything that happened afterwards. It had taken him a long time to heal and I didn't want going back to Forks to reopen old wounds. Neither he nor Alice had been back since they left.

I nodded in understanding, hesitantly placing my hand on his leg and my head on his shoulder. "You're right, I shouldn't beg you to do this with me. I would never want to force you to go through that."

I felt this head come to rest on atop mine, "I'd do anything for you Bella. I just can't do that particular thing right now. Maybe we can tell him together before you go back."

"It just doesn't feel like something you tell your parents over the phone. I'll just tell him when I get there. My mom will protect me," I hoped aloud.

I flipped through a pamphlet about pre-natal nutrition as Edward stared at the silent TV hanging in the corner of the room. It was some hospital endorsement about gestational diabetes.

_God, since when was being pregnant such a health risk?_

Edward's voice drew my attention back to him.

"There's something I want to ask you but I don't know how you'll react," he spoke up again, his leg bouncing beneath our hands.

"We won't know until you ask me," I replied calmly, but my curiosity was raging on the inside. Since his somnolent confession a few nights ago I had been on high alert.

"I've spent a lot more time at your house than usual…"

"Mhmmmm," I drew slowly.

"More than I spend at my own house, probably. Eating dinner together and then going back and forth every night..."

He rambled on as the bouncing only grew more vigorous, causing me to apply pressure to his knee to slow him down.

"Just spit it out."

He drew a deep breath.

"I was thinking that it might be smart if we considered moving in together."

I pulled a face and angled my head to look at him.

He was asking because of the baby. I already knew that, and yet I asked him why.

"We're going to be a family," he simply shrugged.

_You and the baby will be family._

_The baby and I will be family._

_You and I will not be._

These thoughts were at the tip of my tongue before I caught myself. He looked at me so hopefully, all nervous eyes and sweaty palms. He was nervous because he knew I'd say no, because he knew me well. I wanted to say i'd refuse to move in with a guy just because he and I were having a child, but it was Edward so my heart kept my brain from rationalizing aloud.

As I began to shake my head he turned to me.

"Bella, just think about it. We're already together twenty four-seven, we wouldn't have to buy two sets of everything, we'd save so much on rent - "

"Bella Swan," the nurse called, cutting him off.

I collected my belongings, Edwards following behind me.

As I was checked by the nurse I tried to distract Edward from revisiting the topic. I talked about anything that came to mind. If he pushed the subject, I wouldn't be able to say no to him. I had never been able to say no. He was my weakness, and I'd do anything to make him happy.

My love for Edward was my fatal flaw.

But when the doctor stepped in and started the ultrasound, I didn't miss the way Edward's eyes lit up as he saw our baby for the first time.

"Holy shit, Bella, that's our baby," he said in amazement, his hand finding mine.

My heart swelled with appreciatiom for him in that moment. Not as my best friend or the man I was desperately trying not to be in love with, but as the father of my child who was so eager to love the little miracle we had created. He stared on anxiously, kissing the hand of mine that was entwined with his, and in that moment I knew that my ability to resist his offer to move in had been shot.

I knew then that despite myself, I wanted us to be a family, too.

* * *

><p>"Jesus, Bella, why couldn't you just hire movers?" Emmett strained out from behind a stack of boxes.<p>

"Because you guys are cheaper. Pizza and beer is way less expensive than having professionals help me," I called out, taping up the last few boxes from my living room.

"I get to pick the pizza place," he retorted as he disappeared out the door.

Edward and I had spent the last few days packing up my apartment and finding someone to sublet until the lease was up in summer. It was relatively small which meant there wasn't much to pack but it still took my army of friends to help move everything. The problem with consolidating two apartments into one is the amount of shit that you end up with at the end of the process. His apartment was minimally decorated, so many of my items added a much needed homey touch, but we quickly realized that we had no need for two couches, microwaves, or office desks. Deciding who would keep what was the hardest part.

In the end choosing to move to Edward's apartment was much more realistic than moving to mine. He had enough space for the nursery and for me to have my own room, so we got to skip the awkward conversation about sharing one bedroom.

Not that I would've minded.

Even though I should have.

I was supposed to be getting over Edward, not moving into his place and thinking about how much I wanted to share a bed with him.

As promised, we had dinner at the fanciest fucking pizzeria Emmett could find. It wasn't even in Seattle, that's how much of a pain in the ass he was being about it, but it was pretty damn delicious so I couldn't knock him for it. I bought everyone a round of beer like I had promised, the company and conversation light and carefree. We talked and laughed like it was a normal occurrence for two friends who had a failed friends with benefits relationship to move in together because they were having a child.

It made coming home to Edward every night that much better.

The weeks after I officially moved in had been a huge adjustment. I learned things about Edward that I'd never thought to wonder about before. Things like his morning routine and how he was so anal about loading the dishwasher properly. Stupid stuff like that. Nothing I couldn't handle.

The first week at his house was spent unpacking. I ended up having to move some of my stuff to storage but I didn't mind. I liked having it there as a safety net. Keeping some of my stuff packed away and ready to go helped me keep perspective on the situation. I wasn't completely moving in with Edward, just enough to appease him.

_Right._

The second week was spent settling in. Making a few finishing touches every night when we got home from work, eating dinner in front of the fireplace and talking about our hopes for our baby.

I was with Rose in wanting a little boy. Doing hair and talking about periods was never something I looked forward to when I thought about raising a child.

Edward wanted a girl, though.

"I'm crossing my fingers that she comes out looking like you." His thumb ran across the flesh of my cheek.

My blush followed his path, which is as much as I would let on about my feelings for him.

Things were changing. Every night spent with him, whispering our insecurities and divulging our hopes, was another brick that crumbled from the wall I'd built to protect myself. My mind was always so stern against his advances, but my heart was soft, exposed.

It's like we were closer. He was always the closest person to me, but our impending parenthood brought us together better than sex or years of shared secrets ever did. Before it was Bella and Edward, friends and friends with benefits, but this was us as parents. It was much more intimate, much more cohesive. Up to this point, we'd been an inseparable pair.

As soon to be parents, we were a single unit.

I had suspicions that he felt the same way.

I wasn't unperceptive to the way he was acting towards me. The way he touched and looked at me now, a far cry from the way we'd acted after that day in my apartment. I tried to steel myself, knowing that it was his primal instinct to act that way towards the mother of his child, but I couldn't help but wish that a few of those differences were aimed towards me as a woman.

My determination slipped a little everyday.


	14. fourteen

**Characters borrowed from S. Meyer**

Fourteen

**Edward**

The rest of our Back Friday trip was relatively uneventful. It took some convincing on my part to get Bella to finish out the trip without wearing a paper bag over her head. She only agreed to do so because Emmett had apologized.

_"I'm sorry Bells, sometimes I don't think about the shit I'm saying until its already out. I thought it would be funny."_

_She smiled lightly at him as he shrugged. "It's not a big deal. It was funny...kind of."_

It bugged me that she seemed embarrassed about our pregnancy. I understood that it hadn't happened like she'd hoped but I couldn't help but notice how the idea of us having a baby together wasn't growing on her the same way it was growing on me.

I'd been spending most of my time at Bella's house lately; not that I minded. Admittedly, I was there way more than necessary, but the baby was too good of a reason not to use.

My urge to spend as much time as I could with her didn't keep me from realizing how drained I felt at the end of each day, especially when I'd leave for work in the morning and get home just before midnight. I could never pass up a chance to spend time with her, so every offer for movie watching and late night chit-chat was welcomed.

I knew it would be easier to live with her than to keep running back and forth between our apartments, but I knew she'd balk at the idea of sharing a place with me. The more I thought about it, though, the more I talked myself into approaching her.

We still had so many things to deal with. Neither of us had done any baby prepping. We both avoided talking about it but each day that passed by gave us less time to strategize. The baby was due in summer, giving us less than six months to figure everything out.

Ideally, I wanted to live with Bella and the baby, and as much as I liked Bella's apartment, it was smaller than mine so I knew moving in with her would be cramped. She only had two bedrooms, meaning her office would need to be turned into a nursery. That would either exile me to the couch or force me to sleep with her - which would not have bothered me in the slightest - but after everything that had happened between us, I knew it wasn't an option.

My next best option was to offer my place. I was sure she'd fight me every step of the way, which is why I was surprised when she actually agreed to my idea later that night.

_"I'm heading out guys," she called to Emmett, Rose, and myself. Rosalie groaned and grabbed for her as she stood from the couch._

_"No, don't go! We're about to play Mario Party."_

_Bella laughed apologetically. "Sorry babe, I've got a meeting in the morning or I promise I would stay."_

_She collected her things as I stood to follow her._

_"Bro, don't tell me you're leaving too," Emmett implored._

_I shook my head as I crossed the apartment. I pulled on my shoes and coat, saying, "I'm just walking her out."_

_We didn't say much as we walked to the car. Bella's voice was so quite that I barely heard her when she spoke._

_"I think you may be right. Giving this two parent household thing could be good for the baby."_

_I grabbed her arm to stop her._

_"Woah woah woah, what did you say?"_

_She faced me, a small smile playing at her features. "I don't think us moving in together is a _terrible_ idea."_

_My smile grew wider as I gripped both of her shoulders. "You're agreeing to move in with me? You, Bella Swan, are agreeing to an idea that I came up with?"_

_She was still fighting a smile as she stood stiffly against me. I grabbed her arms and wrapped them around myself and she resisted playfully, her smile breaking out into a full, heart stopping grin._

_"I'm agreeing that moving in would be the smartest choice for dealing with the baby. At least until we figure out what we're doing and then we can go from there," she spoke, her voice muffled slightly by my shirt._

_I was smart enough not to ask for clarification twice._

* * *

><p><strong>Edward <strong>

"What about this?" I held up the sticker attached to a crib for Bella to see. She inspected it closely before her eyes widened.

"Edward, that crib is $670! The baby is only going to sleep in it, we don't need to spend that much."

I shrugged and flicked the tag away. "I don't know what I'm doing! I'm just picking what looks nice."

She laughed and examined another tag a few cribs away. "Yeah I can tell, you've only pointed out the most expensive stuff since we've been here."

"I have no clue how much baby supplies are supposed to cost," I shrugged. "I really just came to help you lift the boxes."

She turned to glare at me.

"You were the one who jumped on Alice and Rose's bandwagon when they suggested looking at baby stuff. Don't even try to blame this on me."

"I only agreed because you refuse to look at anything for the baby. We don't have that long until you deliver, we've got to shop sometime."

"That's not true, we bought that newborn bathtub on Black Friday. Oh, and those cloth diapers Alice swore we needed. And I'm not putting it off, I'm just waiting until the baby shower," she added. "People bring you gifts and stuff."

My eyebrows shot up.

"Seriously?"

She nodded, continuing, "Remember that girl Ashton from college who got pregnant my sophomore year? She had a baby shower and I think people brought her enough diapers for like a year."

My eyes bugged out.

"What other kind of stuff can you get?"

"Anything you register for, really. Clothes, toys, furniture if the person really loves you. You pretty much just make a list of what you want and show it to people and they pick out stuff to buy you. It's really cool."

"Why aren't we doing that then?" I asked, observing some space age stroller that looked way too complicated for my education level.

"The baby shower isn't for awhile. We could have waited but you were _so insistent_ upon doing things this way."

"I'm just excited," I justified. "Summer couldn't come fast enough."

"Speaking of summer," Bella smiled mischievously over her shoulder. "I'm not getting you anything for your birthday. Its close enough to our due date that the baby can technically be considered a birthday present so I'm exempting myself from gift duty this year. Is that even a word?" She finished, returning her attention to the items in the aisle.

"It is," I answered. "And what about Father's Day?"

Bella's eyes widened as she turned to me, "Holy shit, Edward! You're going to be a father this year."

I grinned widely and puffed out my chest as she continued, "It just hit me that this is actually happening. We're having a baby."

I shook my head in amusement as I watched her. Bella, my eternally calm and collected best friend, was freaking out about something. In all our years as friends I had rarely witnessed her freak out over anything. Aside from the whole pregnancy talk, she hadn't spazzed out in ages.

"You're freaking out," I voiced, reaching for her pacing form.

"Hell yeah, I'm freaking out," she scoffed, stopping in front of me. "There's going to be someone in the world who calls me their mother. We're going to be responsible for a _person._ How the hell are we supposed to raise children? I'm still a child myself."

I grabbed her by the shoulders.

"Calm down, we'll figure it out. We always do," I reassured her, kneading her shoulders playfully with a smile. She merely looked on with wide eyes and took a deep breath before pulling out of my grip.

"The baby's going to be your Father's Day gift, too," she muttered, turning her attention to a rack of baby food.

"That's so unfair," I shook my head. "I expect four gifts next year then: two for my birthday and two for Father's Day."

"How about just one really big gift? Like a piano."

"I will take one massive gift. Like another baby," I joked.

"Another baby?" She cried. "We didn't even want this one. How the hell are you asking for another one?

I cocked my head to the side, "I thought we did want this one. Isn't that why you never...terminated it?"

She shook her head. "I didn't mean it like that. _Of course_ I want this one. I just meant that we didn't plan for it."

"So we'll plan for the next one," I said simply, tugging at the bottom of her hair.

"There's not going to be a next one. One is enough."

"Oh come on, we have to give our kid a sibling. You were an only child and look how you turned out," I grimaced jokingly.

Her mouth fell open and she pushed my shoulder.

"Fuck you, I came out just fine. You're the messed up one and you had Alice," she stuck her tongue out.

"Oh come on, don't you think it'd be easier if we just had them together? Same last name, same killer DNA."

"Forget about it, I'm only planning on making this mistake once," she said with finality. Her words felt like a punch to the gut, yet another reminder of her regret.

"When are you leaving for your parents' house?" I changed the subject, running my hands across a row of bottles.

"I'm leaving tomorrow. My mom asked me to make it by four so we can have Christmas Eve dinner with the Blacks."

"And what else are they dragging you to this year?"

"I'm sure the force is having their annual holiday party on Christmas day, and then my mom is hosting her coworkers for some New Years cocktail party so i'm sure I'll be around. Aside from that, I'm just planning on relaxing. Six whole days of doing nothing," she said blissfully. "Think you'll be ok without me?"

_No._

"I'll be fine. I always end up finding something to do," I smiled.

* * *

><p>"This is the worst," Bella groaned, scanning the pile of clothes that were scattered on her bed. I was leaning in the doorway looking on with amusement.<p>

"You're only staying until the 30th, why are you packing so much?"

"Because that's six days worth of outfits that I have to take. Just pick for me," she whined playfully, plopping down into the chair behind her.

I snorted, "There's no way in hell I'm getting roped into helping you pick. You ask me to help every time and then you talk shit about my choices when we're traveling. I have no sympathy for you."

"Please?" she begged, clasping her hands together and throwing me puppy eyes.

"You're wasting time," I ignored her plea. "You're supposed to be out of here by noon."

She pouted as she finished throwing the items into her bag. When the suitcase was ready I hauled it to the car, jamming the oversized piece of luggage into the back seat.

"Please be careful when you're lifting this. Don't put too much strain on yourself."

"Edward, I'll be fine. I'll ask my dad to help me."

"Promise?"

"I promise," she said, offering her pinky to me. I wrapped my own around hers and we pressed our thumbs together.

"Are you sure you're ok with telling your parents on your own? I feel bad that I'm not going to be there." I tightened our pinkies when she tried to pull away.

"No, it's fine," she waved me off, our hands dropping. "You need more time. I get it."

I grasped the back of her neck lightly with one hand and pulled her to me.

"Be careful, please. Let me know when you make it there safely," I requested, kissing the top of her head as she hugged me back, tucking herself into my side.

"Of course," she smiled up at me, one dimple and bright teeth.

I felt a rush of blood course through me.

She was flawless, and I was an idiot for ever turning her down.


	15. fifteen

**Characters borrowed from S. Meyer**

Fifteen

Driving back to Forks was always a process. I didn't visit home as often as I'd promised I would when I moved to Seattle because the drive was so daunting, but the three and a half hour trip went by more quickly than I expected because I was pulling up to my childhood home before I realized where I was. The air was freezing and thick with impending rain, causing little puffs of vapor every time I exhaled. My mom didn't give me time to get out of the car before she was standing at the drivers side door waiting for me to get out.

I stepped out and hugged her tightly, inhaling the scent of her pomegranate shampoo and mint from her chewing gum.

"Praise the lord, my baby is finally home!" she yelled, squeezing slightly before releasing me.

I turned to see my dad standing in the doorway with the smallest smile on his face. I trooped through the yard and up the few steps of the front porch, throwing my arms around him. He wasn't an affectionate man but the longer I went without seeing him the more hugs I felt like giving him.

"Hey, Bells. Glad to see you finally put your truck to rest," he joked.

"She put herself to rest, dad. I had to upgrade," I called over my shoulder as I headed back to the car to collect my things. My mom helped by pulling out my purse and other small items while I grabbed the suitcase. When I reached the front steps my dad took over, trudging the piece of luggage up to the second story of the house.

Everything in my childhood bedroom was exactly as I left it. Except tidier. Much tidier.

"Mom, you have to stop cleaning my room for me like I'm a guest," I complained. She squeezed passed me and dropped the items she was holding on the bed.

"I just straightened up a little bit. I didn't have to do much, I promise."

I took in my surroundings, noticing a few extra pillows and two Glade candles that were lit on the bedside tables.

"Candles, mom?" I pointed to the offending articles across the room.

She shrugged sheepishly and smiled.

"Just for the scent."

We made small talk as we unpacked my suitcase, dropping my clothes into the old wooden dresser by the window. Naturally, she asked how my work was going, and about Alice and Edward, or as she and everyone else in Forks called them, "the twins".

I heard my phone buzz from its place on the bed and leaned over just in time to see the last few seconds of a text from Edward displaying on the screen.

_Let me know when you make it there? _

I started to respond when my mom reminded me that we had to be at the Black's soon. I hardly had time to settle in and slip on a dress before I was whisked away. Sitting in the back seat of my mom's Honda made me feel like I was a child again, being dragged along to any and every event around town.

* * *

><p>When we pulled onto Mora Road and the Black's house came into view, every nostalgic feeling of my childhood crept up on me. The red house with cars parked haphazardly out front, the footpath that ran into the trees, the unmistakable smell of pine surrounding the property.<p>

Jacob Black sitting on the front porch.

I smiled and waved at him quickly, refusing to let my eyes linger over his lightly stubbled jaw or his arms in the button down he was wearing. I did my best to remind myself that he was like a sibling to me. One who looked hot as hell, might I add.

That was a new development...one that made me blush a little.

The house was booming and full of life when we arrived, light and laughter spilling out of the open windows.

I hugged everyone that I knew, and heard the all too common slew of "I've known you since you were this tall" and "you probably don't remember me, but…" stories. I smiled and greeted everyone as genuinely as I could, but my interest waned after a while. On top of meeting seemingly everyone who lived in Forks, I'd also answered the question "what are you doing with your life?" more times than I had the patience for.

Safe topics included my job, where I lived, and what my next vacation was going to be. I never mentioned the child I was expecting or the resident golden boy who had fathered it. The Cullens were a touchy subject in general. Adding to that would've caused hysteria, I was sure of it.

After dinner I excused myself to the back porch to get relief from the stuffiness in the house.

I was just about to check my phone when the sound of a door swinging open caught my attention. Jacob emerged a mere minute after me, hands in his pocket and a smile on his lips.

I smiled back at him, casting my eyes downward to keep from staring at him. The longer I looked, the creepier I felt.

"Well if it isn't Isabella Swan in the flesh."

"Hi, Jake," I smiled back, leaning in to hug him and actively choosing to ignore how muscular his chest felt. "How have you been?"

"I've been good. Keeping busy, working a lot. How have you been?" he asked, releasing me to lean against a column a few feet away from me.

"I've been really great. The universe has been treating me especially well lately."

"That's really good to hear," he nodded as he spoke. "I think you may have taken all the good fortune because things have been a little rough on my end lately."

"Oh no, what happened?" I asked, brows furrowed. Jacob wasn't the complaining type.

Jacob shook his head and let out a low chuckle.

"I'd bore you to sleep if I told you. Especially with all the tryptophan in your system," he laughed. "I saw you going _in _on that lamb earlier."

The most un-lady like snort escaped my lips. I covered my mouth, eyes wide. Jacob was laughing heartily, pulling my hands from my face.

"Poor Lamb Chop never stood a chance," he joked, causing me to punch him in the arm.

"Shut up, you haven't been stuck with Alice Cullen's turkey for the past few years. I'm not a fan, so finally having some real meat was too good to pass up. I swear that one of these days I'm going to get your dad to show me the recipe."

It was Jacob's turn to snort.

"That recipe is one of his best kept secrets so good luck."

"I'll get it one day".

"I'm surprised to see you here," he changed the subject after a slight lull in the conversation. "I thought Cullen might've been holding you hostage again this year."

Jacob hadn't liked Edward since high school. After that double date, when he confronted me about how I was treating him I told him about Edward's little stunt. From that point on Jacob would barely tolerate him. Eventually Edward had just stopped trying to talk to him altogether. Then had heard heard some of the rumors about Edward when we were in college, and the wedge between them grew, thus causing the discord that was so apparent to this day.

"Stop it, Jake, he hasn't been holding me hostage. I just decided to take a vacation. Figured I'd drop by and see what you were up to. Keep you in line," I deflected, wagging his chin between my thumb and forefinger. He pushed my hand away and made a face, his playful expression dropping seconds later.

"Bella, I'm serious. It's been too long."

I fiddled with my hands.

"I know. Things have just been a little crazy lately. I try to get back as much as I can but it's not always that simple to just drop everything."

"How long are you in town?" he questioned.

"I'm here until Monday, then I'm heading back for New Year's. I would stay longer but I've got to be back at work on Thursday. How long are you in town?"

"I'm leaving next weekend. Do you think we'll be able to hang out before then? Catch up, grab a burger."

"Yeah, of course," I said earnestly. "Catching up would be good. I heard that Slater runs a food truck now, we can stop by and check it out."

He grabbed my hand and squeezed.

"It's a date."

* * *

><p>My parents and I decorated the tree together when we got back from La Push that night. It was our Christmas tradition to watch Rudolph and decorate until midnight, at which point we'd open one gift each and head to bed. It was a tradition I'd missed out on for a few years, opting to spend the holidays in Seattle, but being back was exactly what I needed. For a short time I could be a kid again. Just my parents and I at home, being a family. The original three musketeers.<p>

Sometimes I wish it were still this simple.

I showered and snuggled down into my bed straight after our gift opening. I was pretty much useless after every holiday meal. The amount of food I'd gorged myself on when I wasn't pregnant was nothing compared to the amount I had eaten tonight. I could tell that I was going to have a son simply by the sheer amount of food I was always searching for. He was already turning out to be a bottomless pit.

I could finally tell that my baby bump was growing. Luckily, eating so much during the holidays had passed my true baby off as a food baby, but I could tell that I was getting too big to hide it.

I was in the middle of a book when I remembered Edward's text from earlier. I navigated back to his unread message from a few hours ago, which had now been joined by 2 more missed texts.

_Let me know when you make it there?_

_Tweeting about Christmas Eve dinner doesn't count as letting me know you're safe._

_How many texts can someone send in a row before it gets stalkerish? I think I've hit my limit lol_

I giggled at his last text and thumbed in his number by heart.

"You're alive," Edward scratchy voice whispered through the receiver.

"I am! I got in a little later than I thought I would so I basically had to rush to dinner. Did I wake you?"

I heard the rustling of sheets before he spoke again, "No, I'm awake. I've been awake, I've just been waiting for sleep to take hold."

"You're a terrible liar," I laughed, flipping on to my stomach. "Go back to sleep, don't let me keep you."

"No, it's fine," Edward responded quickly, "I want to talk to you."

I bit my lip and squeezed my eyes.

I was never good at saying no to him.

"How was dinner?" he continued.

"Dinner was good," I replied, "I ate so much lamb."

I heard him blow out a breath over the phone, "Shit, I forgot about that lamb. Hands down my favorite holiday leftovers, ever."

"Those were my leftovers, not yours. You can't count what doesn't belong to you."

"Whats yours is mine, B. And what's mine is ours," he said smugly. I'd used that phrase on him plenty of times to get what I wanted out of him. Food mostly. Ok, let's be honest, always food.

"This time there weren't any leftovers. I ate enough for the both of us. Well, all three of us actually. You, me, _and _the baby," I laughed.

"I like the sound of that," he pattered, "Not the part about you eating but the way you said you, me, and the baby. I love the way that sounds."

I grinned.

"Me, too."

We chatted aimlessly about our days, filling each other in on our Christmas Eve festivities. He told me how Jasper and Rose being in Texas had unintentionally gotten him stuck with his sister for the rest of the holidays. Without Jasper around Alice had commandeered my room, bringing enough stuff to last her until Jasper got back.

I told him about how I ran into Jacob and how I'd agreed to hang out with him. Obviously he wasn't thrilled about it, but he kept surprisingly quiet about us seeing each other.

God knows what else we talked about in that time we were on the phone. At one point I looked at my phone to check my battery and caught sight of the time.

_2:01 AM_

"Holy crap, Edward, it's two in the morning!" I said through a yawn. Somehow looking at the time reminded me how tired I was, my eyes feeling instantaneously heavy.

"Oh wow, you're right. I didn't even notice," he said, groaning. That was a groan that I imagined only accompanied a good stretch. "Is it weird that I kind of don't want to stop talking to you, though?"

My heart jumped to my throat, butterflies riling in my stomach.

"Not at all. It would only be weird if I didn't feel like that, too."

Edward chuckled and continued, "You're right, though. It's late, and we've both got a lot to do tomorrow. Or, uh, today, I guess. By the way, how vintage Bella and Edward are we right now? Talking til all hours of the night like we're in high school again."

"I know," I stressed. "I had the same thought not even five minutes ago. Everything feels the same but it's so different. The only thing is that we don't have to go to school tomorrow."

"Right. and we're having a baby. _Together."_

I shook my head in amusement. He would not get over it.

"Who'd have thunk it?" I finished lamely. I was really channeling my Jessica Day.

A beat of silence passed before I spoke again.

"I'm really heading to bed now. I can barely keep my eyes open."

"Ok, go to sleep. We'll talk tomorrow."

"You need to sleep too," I replied lazily.

"I would, but I'm having a bit of a hard time. I'd be able to sleep way better but something feels off."

My ears perked up, and a small shot of adrenaline ran through me.

"What's the matter?" I asked, shooting up in bed.

Edward laughed, "No, it's nothing bad, don't think that. It's just that this girl that I like is too far away. It feels a little weird to fall asleep without her."

My stomach flipped. He could not seriously be talking to me about his girl problems. It's like as soon as I thought we were getting to a reasonable place he throws stuff like this in my face.

But then the rational, best friend side of me kicks in, and supportive words spring to my tongue before I even mean for them to.

"Maybe you should be having your late night talks with her instead of me, then," I quipped. Just because I was being supportive of his choice to date other women didn't mean I had to be all smiles about it.

"Oh I am! I'm actually on the phone with her as we speak," he laughed.

I froze.

What the hell?

Was he talking about me?

"She's in Forks. It's complicated. I won't keep ya," his voice sounded like he was smiling.

I hated him.

And I fucking loved him.

"Are you flirting with me, Cullen?"

"I am. Is it working?"

"Good night, Edward," I said in a sing song voice, my smile stretching from ear to ear.

That bastard was flirting with me and I totally loved it.

"Fine, I'm hanging up now," I heard him say finally, the sound of a smile still in his voice.

"Oh and Merry Christmas," I called out before he hung up.

"Merry Christmas, gorgeous."

I woke up with the same smile plastered to my face the next morning.


	16. sixteen

**Characters borrowed from S. Meyer**

Sixteen

**Bella**

The time between Christmas and New Year's seemed to drag on. It was always a weird in between, coming down from the high of Christmas and preparing for the New Year. Not like I was going to do much to celebrate this year, being pregnant and all.

Last year I spent New Year's Eve with Alice in Las Vegas. All I could remember is choosing a club at random and it being the best choice we ever made. I vaguely recall foam sprayers, money falling from the ceiling, stumbling randomly into the VIP area where a bunch of women dressed in white offered Alice and I free bottle service, and making out with the girl closest to me when the clock struck midnight.

Going from that to spending the night in with my unborn baby would only be _slightly_ different.

Earlier this week I had decided that tonight would be the night I'd tell my parents about the baby. It was the one night of the entire week that we didn't have somewhere to be. A night devoted to just the three of us.

My knee bounced vigorously as I ate dinner, my eyes catching brief glimpses of my expanding belly. I was nervous. Not that I had anything to be ashamed of, but this isn't what I'd ever pictured for myself. What my parents (_read: Dad_) had expected of me.

Things change, they understood that, but that didn't make it any easier to suppress the obedient daughter in me who'd been raised to 'do things right' by my dad. My mom was much more lenient and understanding, always being the one to encourage me to make the most of my childhood. _It's such a precious time, _she'd say. Not that I knew what that meant at the time. Like every other kid, I'd squandered it, hoping for a time when I was older and out on my own.

Now I'd give anything to go back to those uncomplicated days when I wasn't completely freaking out over being responsible for a freaking human being.

"I have something kind of exciting to tell you guys."

My mom quickly glanced up from her plate. "What is it, love?"

I pushed the food around on my plate. The entire drive out here was spent planning how I was going to break the news but everything I had rehearsed in my head went out of the window. I'd had this long speech prepared about how I was responsible and stable and totally ready for this next step in my life, but when the time came, I couldn't remember any of it.

"I'm pregnant," I said slowly, refusing to mince the only words I could actually choke out.

The sound of silverware dropping to the table rung through the dining room.

"You're what?" my parents shouted simultaneously, my dad's eyes wide and my mom's smile even wider.

"I'm pregnant. I'm having a baby," I smiled shyly to my mom, who shrieked and rushed from her spot at the table to hug me.

"Oh sweetheart, that's wonderful news!" she cried, kissing the top of my head fervently.

"How the hell are you pregnant? You're not even married," my dad pointed out.

My mom shushed him, never letting me go. "Oh, stop it. It's the 21st century, a woman doesn't need a husband to have a baby."

"No, but you sure as hell need a man to _make_ a baby," Charlie asserted, his eyebrows shooting up. The thought of my dad even knowing that I'd engaged in...baby making activities was enough to make me shudder.

My mother pulled away and asked, "_Is_ there a man, Bella? I mean obviously there's a man but is there a man in your life? If not, that's totally ok. You're a strong woman, we can make it work - "

"Of course!" I said. It wasn't a complete lie. Edward was a man, he just wasn't _my _man. And he was in my life, just not the way they were thinking. At least not most of the time?

"Why haven't we ever met this young man, then? You haven't uttered a word about anyone to us," she recalled.

"It's complicated," I droned. That seemed to be the theme of my life lately.

My dad placed his elbows on the table and dropped his face into his hands. "Oh lord. Please don't tell me this is one of those polygamist things."

I bit back laughter as I replied, "No dad, of course not! Not saying that that's bad or - it's just, that's never really been my thing."

"Ok, so what makes it complicated?" my mother asked, taking her seat again.

"It's Edward," I breathed out, wringing my hands.

My dad's eyes narrowed.

"Edward Cullen?"

I nodded silently, praying to god that he would let it go.

My mom spoke up before my dad got another chance. "You and Edward?"

I nodded wordlessly once more, waiting for their responses.

"Hold on - how the hell did this happen?" my dad questioned, causing my mom to slap him on the shoulder. He frowned at her, "It doesn't make sense to me! One second they're swearing they're not into each other and the next thing I know they're popping out kids!"

I groaned and buried my face in my hands.

So this is what utter mortification feels like.

"Calm down, would you? They're not little kids anymore. We all knew this would happen one day," my mom smirked and let out a chuckle.

"No, you and the Cullens thought it would happen. I never wanted this for her," he asserted.

"Charlie, stop it. Don't say something you'll regret," my mother warned, her tone turning serious and her eyebrows raised.

I scoffed, "No dad, please continue. I love it when you shame me about my life choices." I folded my arms and slumped back in my seat, like the goddamn adult that I was.

He sighed, holding his hands up.

"I'm not saying anything," he resigned, slumping back in his chair as well.

My similarity to my father wasn't lost on me in that moment.

"I know you're disappointed, ok? But I can't take it back now, so can you just be happy for me?"

The women on my life were phenomenal support givers. The men, well...they needed some work.

"Bella, look at me," my dad said pointedly, the hard tone in his voice causing my misty eyes to slide back up to meet his.

His face was softer than his voice sounded. He extended his palm over the table, asking for mine. I took it, his thumbs immediately running soothing lines over the back of my hand.

"I'm happy for you, I promise. I just want you to be sure that this is what you want. It's not easy, trust me. Your mother and I were barely younger than you are now when we had you. It was tough, trying to stay connected and build a career and have a family. I just wanted you to have everything you wanted before this happened to you. And even though I think Edward's a great kid, his past is not going to make it any easier."

Silence filled the room. When I didn't speak, my dad continued.

"Are you happy? About the baby and where you are in your life?"

I nodded a few times.

"Absolutely. It was unexpected and I'm totally scared but I think it'll be incredible, to be a parent. I mean, I would've liked to wait but if you two crazy kids could figure it out back then then I'm sure I'll be able to manage," I smirked at my affectionate jab.

They smiled along with me.

"So what's the plan?" my mom asked, returning to her food like I hadn't just dropped a bomb on them.

"Oh wow this is so weird. Ok, um…we didn't plan for it, it just sort of happened," I cringed. "We're not together but he does want to be involved in the baby's life so we're working through it day by day."

"Yeah, he doesn't have a choice," my dad grunted, stabbing his meat with his fork.

"He does have a choice, dad. But it's fine, we've already sort of figured everything out," I swallowed thickly, lying through my damn teeth.

My mom nodded with a smile, "That's good, honey. As long as you two have each other you'll be ok."

I smiled appreciatively and squeezed her hand, noticing tears welling up in her eyes.

"Mom, stop it. If you cry I'll be a wreck," I warned, my voice wavering.

She let out a sob and the tears poured freely.

"We're having a baby!" she yelled, making both my dad and I crack up.

This was good.

This was definitely good.

* * *

><p><strong>Edward<strong>

My phone buzzed on the coffee table, Bella's name flashing on the lock screen.

_Just broke the news. We officially have two happy future grandparents on our hands :)_

I paused CoD - with much protest from Ben - and dialed Bella's number immediately.

"So they took it well?" I asked after her hello.

"They did," she gushed, "much better than I thought they would, to be honest. But I'm pretty sure that my dad would've castrated you if you'd been there, so it's a good thing you didn't come," she laughed.

Somehow I didn't find that very funny. Ben glared at me and reached over to unpause the game but I swept his hand away with my arm, essentially doing little to thwart him pawing at me every few seconds.

"See? That's called self preservation. If I'd gone with you, I wouldn't have my balls and we wouldn't be able to have another child." Ben shot me a _what the hell are you talking about _kind of look and reached for my controller again.

I heard her groan, "Ugh, stop with the two kids thing already. I'm barely into this pregnancy and you're talking about multiples. I can't deal with you."

"Hey, this argument isn't over. One day when we have a whole gaggle of kids to love and adore, you'll thank me."

I could practically hear the eye roll she gave me.

I could also hear the smile.

She said something in response that I was unable to hear over the sound of Ben's whining, "Fucking Edward, press play! I only have like ten minutes until Ang gets back - "

"Ben, shut the fuck up," I bit out, making a task of pushing him off the couch while cradling my cell between my head and shoulder. He fought back, grabbing at my shirt in an effort to keep his spot.

"What the hell are you doing?" I heard Bella cut off her own rambling to ask.

"Ben's being a - shit! That's not fair, no biting allowed. What are you, an eighth grade girl?" I growled at Ben's bite to my forearm as I pinned him to the ground.

My phone fell from my shoulder in the process and Ben swiped it quickly, a wicked grin on his face.

"Bella, we're in the middle of a very intense round of Ghosts and I cannot afford this distraction. He'll call you back." I grabbed for my phone as he pulled it out of reach, muttering an _mhmm _to Bella's unintelligible words before tapping the end call button and tossing my phone on the couch that was now behind us.

"God damnit, Ben," I growled, pushing his face into the carpet for good measure before resuming my spot, pressing play before he had a chance to get back to his controller. He yelped and scrambled to his seat, taking control of his player once more.

"You're fine, lover boy, just call her back when we're done."

"Don't call me that," I grumbled and he smirked.

_Asshole._

_"_But that's what you are," he teased, then started singing _you want to _love _her, you want to _kiss _her, you want to _marry _her._

"Fuck off," I said, ignoring his comment.

After a slew of curses and a very unfortunate defeat - which was mostly due to Ben's refusal to set down the sentry gun in time - we wrapped up our game just as Angela was walking through the door. Ben jumped up to greet her. I sat tongue in cheek, trying my hardest not to call Ben out for making fun of me and then jumping right up to his fiancée.

As much as I hated to let an opportunity to pick at Ben go by, I kind of got it now - how being in love with someone works.

After shooting the breeze with the two of them I meandered back home, calling Bella first thing when I got in the car. Surprisingly, her phone went straight to voicemail. I called two more times, just in case our phones were doing that thing where they go straight to voicemail because the other person was calling you. After the third try I gave up, concluding that her phone was in fact off.

I stuffed my phone back into my pocket and cursed Ben in my head for hanging up on her. She was probably gonna be pissed at me now and I was so not in the mood to deal with that shit.

I trudged back to my apartment through the rain, totally ready to just shut myself in my room and ignore Alice's pleas to try out her new mascara on me or some other equally torturous shit like that.

It had been three days since she had decided to stay with me for the holidays and she was driving me up the wall.

"Damnit. Alice, you can't just rearrange furniture whenever you feel like it!" I yelled, as my pinky toe folded unnaturally around the foot of my couch, cursing my sister for moving it closer to the door. Yesterday she had it under the window. Today it was by the door, in perfect toe stubbing range.

"Excuse me for trying to create a well balanced environment for your future family. And what the hell is the matter with you?" she called back, her head popping out of the kitchen.

"Nothing, just stop moving shit, would you?" I mumbled, dropping my things on coffee table.

"Edward, don't just drop your stuff all over. You're headed to your room anyway, why don't you just take it with you?"

I groaned as I laid out on the newly uncovered floor space in the living room.

"Don't nag me, I'll take it later," I mumbled again, covering my eyes with my arm.

I could hear Alice's footsteps before I felt her hand brush against my arm as she crouched down beside me.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Nothing" I replied.

She nudged me with her knee.

"Wanna talk about it?"

_Sure, _I thought. _I'm bummed because I want to talk to my not-girlfriend and she's not answering her phone because she's probably pissed off that I let our mutual friend hang up on her for a video game. _

_Pathetic._

I shook my head. "Not even a little bit."

"Fine, then I'll talk," she said, her weight suddenly coming to rest on my stomach completely. "I was thinking maybe we could go home for the New Year. Visit Gram and Gramps...mom and dad."

"Stop sitting on me," I grunted, wiggling my body to try to throw her off, to no avail. She'd gotten good after fighting me for years.

"And I'll go to PA but I'm not going to Forks," I added.

She slumped, "Come on, please? I've never been to the cemetery. And going to the funeral doesn't exactly count as visiting."

I glared at her. "Al, If I wanted to go back then I would go."

"I know but you're never going to want to go back. You can't avoid Forks forever, Edward."

"I'm not avo-"

"You are. _We _are," she said, gesturing between the two of us. "Look, I get it. I know better than anyone how much it sucks. Losing mom and dad broke me, ok? I think about them every day without fail..."

She tossed her gaze to the floor as she played with little fragments of carpet.

"It hasn't stopped hurting since that day...but me starting my life with Jasper and seeing you start this whole new life with Bella, it opened my eyes. I thought I could be ok as long as I could convince myself that I'd forgotten about it. But I'm never gonna forget, and neither are you. As much as you pretend to be ok, you're not. You and me, we're damaged goods. We're never going to stop hurting, and we're never gonna forget about what happened, but we both know we didn't leave all that shit in Forks. It traveled with us. It followed me to Texas and it followed you here."

"It's called moving on. I'm happy here," I said matter of factly.

"You being happy _here_ doesn't mean you're happy. All the time in the world with your therapist won't matter if you're not willing to face what happened head on. So I say that it's time we went home and dealt with this, once and for all. Embrace it, you know?"

"Embrace it? How the hell - there isn't enough time in the world to 'embrace' your parents death," I said.

"Edward, I'm not asking you to move back, I'm just asking you to visit. Maybe it'll help you deal a little better, you know? Besides, what happens when my dear niece or nephew wants to see where we grew up? You're just going to let Bella handle all of that?"

"Of course not! She'll have you," I deadpanned. Alice look was unamused.

I groaned, rubbing my eyes with the heels of my hands. "Fine. Look, I have visited before."

Her eyes snapped to mine.

"What do you mean? You told me that you've never been."

"Of course I've been to their graves. A lot, actually. I used to go every week," I mumbled, poking her in the thigh. "When I lived with Gram and Gramps that year I used to drive out every week to see 'em."

"Why the hell wouldn't you just tell me that?" She asked, exasperated.

"Because I was pissed at you! We weren't talking at that point and by the time we actually worked everything out you told me how horrible you felt about never having visited. I didn't want you to feel bad so I just said I hadn't been either. Plus it's embarrassing. When I went -" I stopped abruptly, cringing at my next words. "When I went to their graves all I did was...cry, I guess. I'd sit there for hours and I'd just cry because I missed them. I didn't want you to know. I didn't want anyone to know."

"That's not embarrassing, Edward, that's really sweet," she said through sniffles.

"It was stupid," I said, my fingers digging a little deeper into her jean covered leg. "So when I say I don't want to go back it's not because I have some unfinished business or whatever. I'm not afraid to be there I just - I don't have anything left to give. Every tear and emotion i've ever felt, I poured it all out that year. I don't think I have another drop left to cry for them."

"Edward," she started, mouth opening a few times, trying to think of something to say.

"There's nothing there for me now, Al. Mom and dad have been gone for awhile. It took my whole first year of college and about a thousand drunken nights to finally realize that, on top of a solid six months of therapy. You and work, Bella and the baby, it's all out here. This is where I want to focus my energy, not on the past."

She nodded silently. Understandingly.

"Ok, I'll go without you then," she dragged, partially sliding off of me, her legs still resting on my stomach. "You should've told me sooner. You keeping stuff like that to yourself just makes you an idiot. You're an idiot," she repeated for good measure.

I shrugged.

"Aren't I always?"


	17. seventeen

**Characters borrowed from S. Meyer**

Seventeen

**Edward**

_Bzzzzzz_

_Bzzzzzz_

_Bzzzzzz_

I groaned and turned over in bed, digging into the mass of covers groggily for my phone. It stopped buzzing by the time I found it but a tiny blue light flashed in the corner of my phone, letting me know I had a missed call and voicemail. I squinted at the screen, the brightness marring my vision for a few seconds before I finally forced my eyes to focus. It was one twenty-five in the morning, meaning whoever was calling me better have a damn good reason.

I scrolled my call log, the most recent popping up on top.

_Sheriff Swan_

My heart skipped in the worst way possible.

I hadn't talked to Bella's dad in ages. We had always been relatively close, but we rarely ever spoke on the phone, and I hadn't physically seen him since he and Bella's mom visited last year.

So whatever the hell he was calling about wasn't good.

I knew that. Before I even dialed back I knew that.

That didn't make hearing his words any less striking, though.

"Edward, sorry to wake you, son, I just - you need to get down here. There's - there was an accident and they had to bring Bella in..."

I couldn't hear the rest of what Charlie was saying. The only thing I could hear my blood rushing in my head. For a split second I was frozen, all of this sickeningly familiar. An unexpected phone call, the feeling of your stomach dropping to your feet, dread squeezing your heart.

"-here as soon as you can. The doctor's looked at her but -"

"Charlie, where are you now?" I gulped, throwing the covers back, my mind suddenly shifting into hyperactivity.

"We're at Olympic Memorial. I know - " he started, sighing. "I know that getting a call like this isn't easy for you but I had to. After hearing about Bella and the baby I just figured you'd want to be here," he explained.

I cleared my throat in an effort to get the rough edge out of my voice. "Of course, I'm glad you called," I said, my voice smaller than I thought it would be, "I'm on my way."

I ran to Bella's room to wake up Alice, shaking her a few times, "Alice, I'm leaving. Bella's in the hospital."

"What?" she looked at me through bleary eyes, confusion riddling her face.

"Charlie called me to meet them at Olympic Memorial. Something happened to Bella, I have to go," I said as calmly as I could muster but my voice still shook.

She shot up in bed and nodded fervently, "Oh god, ok, I'm coming with you." She was already pulling on pants and a coat by the time I bound out of the room in search of my own items.

We were in the car in three minutes flat.

I was pulling on to the freeway before Alice spoke up.

"What happened?" she asked quietly, leaning back in the seat.

"I don't know," I replied gruffly. Because I really had no fucking clue what the hell was going on. In my haste to get ready I hadn't exactly stopped to ask for the details.

"Is she ok? I mean, she's in the hospital but is it like...life threatening?"

I tensed my jaw, hoping to god that it wasn't. Luckily Charlie hadn't exactly seemed grief stricken so I at least had that tiny bit of comfort.

"I don't know," I repeated.

I wasn't exactly in the mood for spritely conversation. After a few attempts, Alice understood that.

It was a long two and a half hour drive. It was raining so I couldn't even drive as fast as I would've liked. Two and a half hours of torture. Charlie sent me a text about what room Bella was in, but that was the only communication we'd had.

I pulled up to Olympic Memorial Hospital and nearly threw myself from the car before I'd even properly parked, Alice hot on my heels. I ignored the way my heart raced at how horrifyingly acquainted this all felt, rushing up to a hospital in the dead of night. The entire two and a half hours was spent in a frenzy, my anxiety peaking around an hour and fifty minutes into the trip. I just wanted to get there. I _needed _to get there.

Now that I was finally here, I had no idea how to find the room Charlie had given me. In the end i'm not even sure how we actually found her. If Alice weren't there I'm almost positive I would've gotten myself lost. The search for her was a bit blurry, sticking to my memory in tiny, broken shambles. All I remembered was:

Front desk.

Emergency services.

Recovery wing.

Bella lying in a hospital bed, Charlie and Renee sitting beside her.

"Excuse me sir, can I help you?" I vaguely heard someone call. I ignored the question, too focused on Bella and how she _looked_ like she'd been in an accident. A dark red streak covered by a handful of steri-strips on her forehead, a neck brace secured around her. She was sleeping so serenely that it was like she hadn't even been hurt. As if the worst was behind her.

And I wasn't there to see her through it.

"Edward, Alice," Renee sighed when she spotted us, hugging me to her before I could get into the room. And then I was shaking Charlie's hand tightly and being pulled into a hug. He was a man of few words, and that hug said everything he couldn't.

We let go and I focused on Bella, how she was oblivious to the panic that we had all felt.

Renee came to stand beside me. "Thank you for coming," she whispered. "I know it's not easy coming back here, especially under these circumstances..."

I sat in Charlie's vacated chair and touched Bella's arm lightly. Her skin was soft and warm under my fingers, filling me with relief. I'd expected her to be colder, my mind imagining the worst, so this was a good sign. She hadn't woken since her admittance, though, so a part of my worry was still very real.

My mind just registered Renee's words.

"Not being here for Bella would have been even harder," I spoke softly, careful not to wake her.

She slept for a few hours after we'd arrived, her body still recovering from the shock. Alice tried to keep me talking but I was not having it. I was too damn anxious to do any talking. My leg was starting to hurt from bouncing on the balls of my feet non-stop but my leg never seemed to care because it wouldn't _stop moving._ While we waited for her to wake up Charlie filled me in on the details of the accident that he'd gathered from his buddies at the police station.

She was at a three way stop when she was rear-ended when the truck's brakes had given out, pushing her into another car. If it weren't for the driver ahead of her she would've been pushed into a brick wall instead.

The damage could've been much worse.

I gulped at the thought.

I could've lost her, just like that, from one hundred forty miles away.

By the time she woke up we were alone in the room. Charlie and Renee had gone to the cafeteria and Alice was on the phone with Jasper somewhere, catching him up on all the details. I would've yelled for them all but I assumed they were too far away to hear me.

She stirred and groaned, causing me to jump from my seat.

"Bella?"

I was at her side in a flash.

She groaned again and moved to sit up but I stilled her movements.

"Easy, B, don't try to move just yet," I coaxed. She looked at me with wide eyes and spoke in a scratchy voice.

"Where the hell are we?"

I sighed in relief. She was cognizant of her surroundings which was a good thing.

"We're at the hospital," I grabbed her hand. "You were in an accident last night."

"Fuck," she tried to nod and winced. "I think I remember."

"Careful," I said sternly, pressing her shoulders to keep her lying down. "You're wearing a neck brace, don't move too much."

If she was surprised by my statement she didn't show it. She just stilled obediently.

I left her side momentarily to ask the nurse to page Bella's doctor and tell her she was awake. I'm pretty sure I recognized the girl as one of our high school classmates but she was the least of my concerns at this point.

By the time the doctor arrived Alice and The Swans had rejoined us. A few minutes later there was a knock at the viewing glass followed by a voice, "Miss Swan?"

None of us got up to answer. After a few seconds a middle-aged woman stepped into the room.

"Hi there, I'm Dr. Singh," she said before her attention fell to me, recognition passing across her face. "Edward?"

"Hi Dr. Singh," I offered a small smile, pulling her into a hug.

She chuckled briefly, "Wow, look at you, all grown up. I haven't seen you in years, how have you been, dear?"

"I've been doing well, probably better than the last time we saw each other. Not now but…generally."

She nodded in understanding, her eyes flitting over the other people in the room, "That's to be expected. You must be Isabella," she observed, turning to Bella. "It's nice to meet you. I'm sorry we couldn't meet each other under better circumstances."

Bella managed to return a small smile, "Thanks, doctor. What news do you have about the baby?"

Everyone visibly paled.

I'd completely forgotten about the baby.

"Well, first," Dr. Singh said as she moved to the foot of the bed, "I wanted to talk about your health. You were in a car accident last night, do you remember that?"

Bella tried her best to nod slowly, "Yes, of course."

"Ok, that's a great start. You suffered a traumatic event. Luckily, something or someone was looking out for you because you walked away with minimal injury. You have a minor laceration on your head from the steering wheel, a touch of whiplash and some lumbar bruising that's going to hurt for awhile but other than that you're going to be just fine."

We all breathed a simultaneous breath of relief.

"We'll give you something strong to help with the pain and ask that you definitely take it easy until you start to feel better. It could have been much worse, and any repeat injury can have severe consequences."

"I understand," Bella said. When I saw her about to speak again I cut her off before she had to ask the question that was on the tip of her tongue.

"And the baby?" I questioned anxiously.

Dr. Singh sighed, pausing briefly. "The trauma from the accident caused a lot of physical stress…unfortunately your body was unable to retain the pregnancy, Isabella. You experienced what we call a placental abruption. When you had your accident, your stomach took the brunt of the force. When you crashed into the car in front of you, the impact caused your placenta to detach from your uterine lining. When this happens, it essentially cuts off any form of life support for your baby."

By the time the doctor had finished her sentence it felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think. Placental abruption?

"So…the baby is gone?" I asked in disbelief.

"Isabella didn't reach the hospital until well after the fetus detached. We had to perform an emergency delivery. Her body had already started expelling the conception so we didn't have to induce her, but to answer your question, yes, the baby is gone."

The room had started to blur, and I didn't realize that I was tearing up until I felt a drop on my hand. Bella's parents didn't look as surprised as Alice, Bella and I did.

"I'm so sorry for your loss," she grabbed Bella's hand and looked on the rest of us sadly. "We did everything we could to save him but babies born at 18 weeks don't have any ability to support themselves outside of the womb."

"It was a boy?" Renee choked out to no one in particular.

Dr. Singh's voice broke the silence again, "If there is any way we can make this time any easier for you, we'll be happy to do so. I'll give you some time to yourselves and I'll have the nurse follow up with you in a few minutes. I'm glad you're ok, Bella." Before she left she dropped a hand to my shoulder. I reached up and squeezed it, summoning a bleary eyed smile.

When she left the room we sat in shocked silence. There was nothing I could say or do to make light of this situation. I hadn't been expecting the doctor to deliver that kind of devastating news. That was the only word I could think of to describe it.

Bella's sniffles tore me out of my revere.

She wiped tears from her face and whispered, "This is all my fault."

"Bella, it's not. It was an accident," I swallowed hard, grabbing her hand and lacing her fingers with mine.

She pulled her hand away and my heart cracked at the gesture. This was not the time for her to be pulling away from me. We needed each other, I couldn't let her push me away.

"It is my fault," she started, "I wished for it."

"Bella, honey, don't say that," Renee begged, stepping forward.

I grabbed her arm gently, pleading with her to look at me, "Nothing like that had anything to do with this."

She ignored our words, continuing, "I was just so scared. When I found out I didn't think we were ready. For the first few weeks after I found out I just kept wishing the situation would just go away…and now it's actually gone and it's my fault."

"It was just bad luck, Bella, you had nothing to do with this," Alice croaked.

Silence stretched between us, the air heavy with all the meaning of what had happened. Devastation, guilt, confusion…all mixed with the realization that Bella and I weren't going to be parents.

I had spent so much time thinking about what things would be like after the baby that I never actually considered what it would be like if there were no baby.

Her eyes brimmed with more unshed tears, "I didn't deserve to be a mother. What kind of person would wish for that?"

"Don't say that, B," I saw forcefully. "You would've been an amazing mother. You _will _be an amazing mother someday."

I tried my best to wipe every tear that fell from her eye. I hated to see her cry, but this was something different altogether. It was much worse and went beyond anything that I could have fixed…not that I wouldn't try.

"I don't know if I can do this again," she whispered.

"I know you think that now baby, but one day you _will_ be strong enough for this. You've got so much love in your heart to give that there's no way that you can keep it all to yourself," Renee said, carving out a tiny space on the hospital bed to sit next to Bella. "There will come a time, whether its months or decades from now, where you'll feel strong enough to do this, and I promise that we'll all be right here with you."

"And what if I'm not? What if I'm not cut out for this?" she said through a deep exhale.

"You can't know that. There's no way to say what we are supposed to have in life, but I _promise_ that if you do decide that it's what you want, we can always try again," I offered.

She frowned at me.

"Try again? Why would we try again for another baby when we didn't even plan for this one? You're off the hook, you're free to go, you should be happy!" She had raised her voice at this point and I knew that she was lashing out.

If possible, my face dropped even further at the realization that after all this time Bella still thought that I was only around for the baby. Maybe at first the baby had been the catalyst for me to reconsider my feelings but that hadn't been the case for months. My chest tightened at the thought that she honestly didn't understand that I didn't want to live without her. She had reasoned that I stayed for the baby, but even with our news I couldn't imagine not spending the rest of my life by her side.

Before I could speak up Charlie was talking.

"Let's give them a couple of minutes, huh ladies?" he suggested, eyes moving between his wife and Alice. They both nodded as he moved forward, kissing Bella on the uninjured side of her forehead. "Love you, kid. Get some rest. We'll be right outside if you need anything."

He strung his arms around their shoulders, guiding them out, and I waited for the door to close before I was talking again.

"Bella, I don't want to be off the hook. You keep talking like I've had one foot out the door this entire time and that was never the case. I wanted the baby and I wanted you. I'm where I want to be," I swallowed, my throat suddenly very dry.

She shook her head lightly, "Why would you want that? Now we can live our lives without being tied to each other forever. "

"We're already tied together forever. The fact that we went through this together ties us to each other. After everything we've been through there's no way I'd ever make it without you," I confessed, pulling the chair closer to her bedside. "You have no idea how excited I was to be a parent with you. Every day I woke up looking forward to our future together, to waking up next to you and getting to hold our child. I couldn't wait to see if they'd come out with brown eyes and curly hair or green eyes and whatever the hell they call my hair color."

She didn't respond so I took in a deep breath and continued, "Every time I look at you I can't help but think that I'd be the luckiest man in the world if I got to spend the rest of my life with you. Not having the baby won't change that."

"Edward, don't," she said as she squeezed her eyes shut, resting her head on her pillow. It's almost as if she were trying to block out what I was saying.

"Bella, listen to me," I pleaded, "When I got that call, it scared the shit out of me. The whole way here I couldn't stop thinking about how I'd lost the one good thing I - "

"Edward, look…we can't do this right now. _I _can't do this right now," she explained, scooting away from me.

I comprehended her words, and the silence that had started to become a permanent fixture between us settled again.

She began whispering again, "I just want to get some rest."

"Of course," I nodded and leaned in to kiss her head. I wanted to beg and plead with her to listen to me, to let me be there for her and prove my feelings for her went beyond what I felt towards the mother of my child.

Alice's words still rung in my head.

_You have to think of what's best for her now._

Bella didn't want me the way that she used to, the way that I want her now, and I had to accept that. She needed time to heal and forget, so I would give her what she wanted.


	18. eighteen

**Characters borrowed from S. Meyer**

Eighteen

**Bella**

I was annoyed.

After spending two days in the hospital with pushy nurses, another two at home with my overly attentive parents (one of them being New Year's), and a suggestion to see a therapist to cope with the loss of the baby, I was annoyed.

I loved everyone for how much they cared but it was exhausting to be constantly surrounded by that much energy.

I wanted to be alone. I didn't have it in me to be around people and act like everything was ok for their sake. That entire week had been made up of pitying looks and comforting tones and it was driving me insane. I hadn't gotten once second of peace and quiet since my accident.

So I was jumping for joy (not literally because jumping was _extremely _uncomfortable for me still) when I got to go back to Seattle, where people had schedules and their lives didn't revolve around me and the suicide watch the therapist had imposed upon my family (because apparently that's what women who suffer miscarriages do). But then I realized that coming back to Seattle was the hardest part.

Seeing all the baby stuff only served as a painful reminder to what I'd lost.

The week I got home I realized that the more time I spent cooped up in the apartment, the more I hated it. I was given clearance to take a couple weeks off of work to heal (_emotionally and physically,_ my boss had so kindly said), so I'd spent most of my days floating around the house. I couldn't stand looking at the stuff we'd bought. The disassembled pack n play we'd ordered online and the bathtub and the pile of onesies Alice had insisted upon, among other things.

When I started feeling better I would go on walks by myself and spend a lot of time at my favorite bakery down the street.

Going back to Seattle also meant going back to living with Edward. It meant going back to everything complicated and messy and painful...I didn't want to deal with it.

He would get home later in the evening, trying to make up at work for the time he'd spent with me while I was in the hospital. I didn't have the energy to answer his questions and absorb his anxiety. I always did, but I couldn't this time, so I'd feign sleepiness and try to be in bed before I had to see him. Most of the time we'd just exchange pleasantries. He was giving me space, at least. Well, as well as he was capable of giving space, that is. He had once called me a hoverer but I'm sure he was the worse of the two of us.

If he knew that I was avoiding him, it wouldn't go over well. He was a talker, it's what he did. When it was easy for him he had always wanted to address most issues head on.

Eventually I started feeling guilty about limiting my contact with him when we lived in the same house, so I had started to avoid the apartment if I could, opting to spend my nights with Rosalie or Alice instead. Even with them I barely felt like socializing but I could at least get through it. It was harder to even see Edward, let alone sit down and have a conversation with him. Being around him reminded me of all the things that had happened to lead us to this point.

My mind could rationalize that the miscarriage wasn't his fault, but I couldn't help but blame him a little. I couldn't help but think that maybe if he had been with me, _something…anything _could have been different and none of this would have happened.

Lately the only time I went back to the apartment was to collect clothes. Today was one of those times.

I parked in the front of the building and made the slow journey down the path to our unit, hidden way at the end of the lot. I did a quick once over to check that the apartment was empty before I moved to my bedroom to collect some clothes.

I was rummaging through the closet when I heard the key turn in the front door. A mere few seconds later, Edward was calling for me.

"Bella?"

I stayed quiet as I contemplated whether or not to respond to him. Maybe I could slip out unnoticed and come back when he was at work tomorrow. Then again my car was out front and I left my shoes by the door so there was no way he wouldn't look for me. It was still early, only lunch time. I wasn't expecting him to be back so soon or else I never would have come.

My guilt pulsed as I thought about how I was acting towards Edward. In my rational mind, I could reason that he had suffered just as big a loss as I had, and that he probably felt lonely too. I didn't care that he probably needed me the way I needed him for comfort at a time like this. Even thought I know I needed to talk to him, I really just wanted to forget about the whole situation. Forgetting was impossible to do when I was around him, and staying at his house didn't make it any easier.

I heard his footsteps and voice grow closer.

"B, are you here?"

I cleared my throat, "I'm in here."

"You're home," Edward appeared in my room moments later, his face expressionless.

I swallowed hard as I looked him over. He looked fine for the most part, except for a few bags that had reached his youthful eyes.

"Where else would I be?" I asked, returning my attention to the clothes. It was a rhetorical question, of course; we both already knew the answer.

"Lately it seems like anywhere but here," he said gruffly, coming to sit on the bed as I combed through the dresser. "You haven't really been home in over a week. I was honestly expecting to come back one day and see that all your stuff was gone."

"I've been home," was all I replied.

"You have not. You spend your nights with my sister and you never show your face otherwise. You're avoiding the house and you're _definitely _avoiding me, " Edward said tiredly, but still with a hint of amusement.

I shrugged, "I'm not avoiding you. I just needed some time to myself. When I'm at Alice's she surprisingly doesn't bother me. She just lets me be, and I know that if I were here you'd try to force me to talk."

"That's because we need to talk about what happened. You went through something traumatic that resulted in you getting hurt and us losing our baby and I think we kinda need to talk about it."

"There's nothing to talk about," I objected, stuffing clothes into the small duffle bag I had brought. "Can you please just let me deal with it in my own way?"

"You're way of dealing with anything is to shut yourself off until you forget about it. That's not healthy, you can't keep doing this to yourself."

Something in me snapped at his words. He acted like he knew me so well. Couldn't he tell that I was hurting enough without having him point out my character flaws?

"What do you suggest we talk about then, hmmm? How I can't sand being around you for the simple fact that its too painful? How I hate myself for losing the baby? How I don't want to be stuck in this goddam apartment looking at all this crap all the time?" I growled for the first time in my life.

"I'll get rid of it, I'll do whatever you want. We'll redecorate and do whatever we have to. I just need you home, Bella. Please,"

I continued to throw items into the bag while I spoke, refusing to make eye contact with him. "If you throw that stuff away then when I walk in it'll just remind me of the reason why it's not here anymore. It's too much to handle. I thought that I could come back and maybe I wouldn't care but I do, ok? I really cared and I'm devastated."

"And you think I'm not? We lost our child! It hasn't been easy for me either, and I've really needed you here but it's like I've lost you too. I don't know what to do to get you to open up to me. You won't let me talk to you, you won't let me take care of you, and now you don't even let me see you!" He cried, grabbing the bag from my hands and setting it back on the bed. "Just tell me what you need and I'll do anything within my power to give it to you but please don't keep shutting me out. Stay home, _please_."

"This isn't my home, Edward, I'm not staying here," I said, and I tried my best to protest as Edward pulled me down to sit next to him on the bed.

"Well then we'll find another place. We'll move closer to your work or closer to the water, whatever you want."

"I'm already looking for my own place," I lied and meddled with my hands nervously. I had been planning to ask my boss about taking the new position when I returned to work instead of going back to my old job. I had a feeling he wouldn't be opposed to it, but I hadn't exactly cleared it with him yet. And I wasn't planning on doing this with Edward today but the universe apparently had different plans in mind.

"Oh," Edward frowned, "when did you start looking?"

"Earlier this week. I've just been looking up some places online."

"What area are you looking in to?"

"Bellingham, actually."

Edwards eyebrows shot up, "Bellingham? That's almost two hours away, why are you going up there?"

"I got a job. My boss offered me a promotion so I'm going to take it," I shrugged, hoping he would just let it pass.

He hesitated before he leaned over to hug me to him tightly, "Wow, Bella, that's amazing, congratulations."

"Thanks," I mumbled, losing my resolve and wrapping my arms around him. Being near him was comforting, and being enveloped by his touch and scent made me feel safe.

Why had I been avoiding him again?

"At least something good came out of the week," he mumbled into my hair.

I stiffened a bit, "I didn't happen this week, I was offered the position in August."

Edward drew back to look at me, "That was so long ago, why didn't you say anything?"

"I wasn't ready to go. I wanted to stay with you and Alice and everybody. Then we found out about the baby and that was the answer I needed to stay. I wanted them to be near you and grow up in the city, but now I can't think of a reason not to go."

He started to say something and then stopped himself, looking pained. He recovered quickly, though. "If that's what's going to make you happy then I'm happy for you. I don't go to Bellingham nearly enough anyway," he joked.

"Edward," I sighed, turning to face him completely, surprised at the ease with which my words were about to flow, "I want you to know that I appreciate everything you've done for me. You really surprised me with how well you took on everything and I will always be grateful for how wonderful a father our child would have had. You were going to be an amazing dad," I reached up to touch his cheek and he covered my hand with his own.

"I need time alone, though. I just want to get away and do something different, explore a new place. I can't do that if you show up there," I continued, and I noticed his eyes dim and his adam's apple bob.

"You don't want me to visit you?"

"It won't be forever, just until I get my head on straight. I won't be able to recollect myself if you keep coming up before I'm ready to see you."

"You don't think that's a bit much? You don't know anyone up there, a friendly face might do you some good."

"I'll meet people," I shrugged.

His eyes blazed momentarily, "So that's it? You're just going to go up there for God knows how long and hole yourself up in Bellingham?"

"For the time being, yeah," I finished lamely, wishing that I had more to offer him than that.

Edward gulped, "Don't do this. Please don't cut me out of your life. I can't go on pretending like I haven't fallen in love with you every day, that I don't need you as more than just my best friend. You're so much more than that. You've always been more than that and I was just too stupid to see it. You're my everything, you're my home. I can't let you go without me."

"You have to," I choked out, emotion welling up at the sight in front of me. A few months ago I would've jumped at Edward professing his love for me, begging me to stay with him.

It was too little, too late now. I had bigger things to worry about.

"I'm so sorry, Edward. I need to do this by myself."


	19. nineteen

**Characters borrowed from S. Meyer**

Nineteen

**Edward**

_**March**_

I struggled as I pulled on the knot of my tie, angling my neck to get a little bit of relief. Every time I loosened it Alice would come by and tighten it again.

"I can't breathe, Alice," I hissed, tugging at the windsor again.

Alice ignored my batting hands and stepped closer.

"It looks too loose, just let me tighten it a little bit."

"_I can't breathe_," I said again. "What, do you want me to suffocate?"

The corner of her mouth turned up, "If it keeps you from bitching then yeah."

"Can you two stop fighting for like a millisecond?" Rose cut in, forcibly removing Alice's hands from my tie. Her attention immediately jumped to Emmett who was tugging at his sleeves.

"Alice," Rose warned, causing Alice to stop dead and turn sheepishly.

"Sorry," she muttered with a guilty smile.

Weddings are the worst. Except for Ben and Angela's because they're two halves of one of the happiest couples I know. As I watched the two of them exchange their written vows I realized that I wanted what they had. I wanted what my sister had, what Emmett and Rosalie had, what my parents had.

Bella and I had almost had that. Stupid fights and lazy Sundays spent in bed, long talks about nothing and gooey eyed moments. A partner, a best friend, a lover. We had that for a little while even if we never called it what it was.

I wanted what we had before all the shit hit the fan, and I wanted it all with Bella _for real._

But she'd moved out two months ago and we hadn't spoken a word to each other since.

Up until the wedding that is, when she waltzed up to the roof of the Bell Harbor like she was on a Sunday afternoon stroll.

In our entire friendship, two months was the longest we'd gone without speaking. Normally I could pull her out of herself, get her to talk and open up to me, but this was different. This was worse because it wasn't something I could help her with. This was something she _wouldn't_ let me help her with.

I thought she'd have her time to herself, I'd have time to think of a way to bring her back, and we'd fix it because we always did. But somewhere along the line she stopped caring about fixing it. So I let her shut me out and pretend like I didn't exist - it's what she wanted.

I was perched against the far wall of the balcony, chatting with people I hadn't seen since I left Forks. I tried not to stare at her but I couldn't help myself. I found enough excuses to skirt around the rooftop, enough that I could hear bits and pieces of her conversations.

_"Please tell me that creepy guy from work didn't follow you here."_

_"Dude, remember that new cupcake place in town I told you about? We have to go while you're here. No one will go with me because they're all on diets. You couldn't have picked a worse time to move."_

_"The wedding planning is going well. Seeing all of this is a little intimidating, though. Sometimes I don't know how the hell we're going to pull it off."_

_"Don't tell Rosalie. She'd kill me if she found out I've been to the new cupcake place without her."_

From what I overheard, apparently Bella had been keeping up with everyone else. If Alice knew about the people she worked with and Rosalie told her about the new bakery, they had to have spoken recently. Emmett and Jasper, too, most likely. It was like they'd kept quiet about their contact with her because they knew she wasn't talking to me. Even now, standing within fifty feet of each other, she _still_ wasn't talking to me.

It only took the entire cocktail hour to get her attention. When our eyes finally did catch each other's we didn't even do anything. We just stared.

And then my feet were moving on their own accord, like a moth to a flame that I had absolutely no control over.

"Hi," I said with a small wave as I approached her.

"Hi," she breathed, a tense smile gracing her features. It was the smile she used when she was hiding something or when she was placating me.

"Am I supposed to pretend like I didn't see you or is this ok?" I joked cautiously as I approached her.

"No, its fine, I was heading over there eventually."

I nodded.

"No, yeah, of course. You had to make your rounds, say hi to everyone."

"Kind of. I was just working my way through the balcony."

_Say something, you idiot, _my brain chimed.

"You dyed your hair!" I blurted.

"I just wanted a change. Is it awful?" she asked, running a hand through the now blonde tips.

"It's nice," was all I supplied. I wanted to tell her that she looked amazing, but sometimes my brain translated words to my mouth as a jumble of mush instead of actual sentences. It seemed too personal to compliment her when things were . . . like this.

"It's balayage. My neighbor says it's what all the kids are wearing nowadays," she joked, crooking a finger at me like an old person. I smiled slightly and grabbed a strand, the back of my finger brushing lightly over shoulder. The hair sprung effortlessly back into its shape.

"Has my sister seen you yet? She'll flip out over you keeping up with trends."

She snorted, "Yeah, she's seen it. She lost her shit when I tweeted at her. Rose was whatever about it. God forbid she'd show me any kind of affection."

"Yeah Rose is- Rose is Rose," I chuckled.

There were a few seconds of laughter, a few seconds of awkward silence and diverted gazes before I cleared my throat.

"So you've been talking to them? Alice and Rose."

Guilt was written all over her face.

"Yeah, here and there. Not as much as we used to talk but enough, I guess."

I nodded again.

"And Jasper and Emmett, too?"

"Sometimes," she spoke, trepidation clear in her voice.

I nodded again, gulping down the last contents of my glass.

"That's good. That-"

"I know what it looks like," she started.

I shook my head, "It's fine, you don't owe me an explanation."

She didn't, but I hoped for it. I hated myself for saying I didn't care for an explanation when I really, _really_ did. I hated that I let myself become someone who needed that. I was never that guy.

"It's not like I'm doing it on purpose." She stepped closer, her eyes searching mine.

I laughed bitterly, "Aren't you, though? I know you, B. Don't bullshit me."

"Edward? Bella?" someone shrieked from a few feet away, cutting off my impending rant.

We both turned to see Heidi Gibbons from FHS stumbling toward us, drink in hand. She took to the open bar a little too enthusiastically. She'd take a spill in those heels any second.

"Oh my god, I haven't seen you two since high school!" she said, coming to wrap an arm around the both of us, the smell of alcohol seeping out of her. "How are you guys?"

"Everything is great, Heidi. It's good to see you. Still know how to have a good time, I see," Bella smiled, pulling away.

Heidi giggled, "Oh my god, the best. I'm having the best time. Tell me that ceremony wasn't the most beautiful thing you've ever seen!" Before either of us could speak she was screeching into the air, "I can't believe you two are still friends! Some things never change, huh?"

Bella and I exchanged a look.

"You never know. Change can be good sometimes," Bella offered, taking a sip from her glass of wine. The first one I'd seen her have since she got pregnant.

"Not all change," I challenged. Her eyes were wide and glassy, perfect brown orbs. She was looking back to Heidi before I could launch into an explanation.

"I'm gonna go. Good to see you, Heidi," she mumbled, touching the girl's hand and sliding away, presumably to go hate me from another corner of the party.

"Damnit, Bella, can you just wait a second?" I pleaded loudly, but she was already moving through the crowd, brushing off our friends' attempts to catch her attention too.

My eyes found Emmett's, a confused expression on his face. If we were in a cartoon he'd have a question mark floating above his head.

I shrugged and grabbed two glasses from the nearest waiter's tray to give my hands an excuse to not idle.

Two glasses of whatever was in those cups would not be enough to drown the ache I felt in my chest. I wanted to be with her, and she wanted things to be like this, where we didn't speak to one another and acted like we hadn't gone through what we did.

_That's fine_, I thought to myself.

Life goes on.

* * *

><p><em><strong>May<strong>_

"Dude, you have to go talk to them, they're staring right at you," Emmett practically hissed in my ear.

"Dude, back up," I grimaced, pushing at his chest. "I'm just drinking tonight, I'm not looking for anything else."

Emmett groaned and threw his head back.

"What?" I asked, surprised. If anyone was on the whole Edward/Bella train, it was Emmett. Normally he wouldn't push me toward other people.

"You say that every time we're out!" He groaned, shaking me by the arms. "You gotta get back out there, man. You can't wait around forever. Things have got to change."

I gulped my drink to stall.

"I'm not waiting around, it's just that nothing's felt right yet."

Emmett grabbed the half empty glass from my hand and set it on the bar top.

"Edward I swear to god, if you let those girls walk out of here without you I am taking away your man card."

I turned in the direction Emmett had pointed earlier to see two women smiling at me. I tossed a smirk back and looked over at Emmett.

As much as I hated to admit it, I _was_ waiting around which was so fucking stupid. I was never the type to pine over someone, especially in the face of obvious rejection, but Bella wasn't just someone. I'd convinced myself that I wasn't waiting for her, knowing deep down that I actually was which made it even stupider. I was totally calling myself out on lying to myself.

Mind fuck.

"Fine," I conceded, pointing to the fruity looking drink of the girl next to me and holding up two fingers to the bartender.

Emmett grinned widely and clapped me on the back.

"Atta boy!"

* * *

><p><em><strong>June<strong>_

"We're officially in our late twenties now! I can practically feel myself withering away," Alice moaned dramatically, slinging the back of her hand over her forehead and leaning into my side. I grunted and pushed her away from me, her small body sliding easily along the wooden bench.

We were sitting at a large table at Umi celebrating our twenty-sixth birthday, with all of our friends crowding the corner we'd reserved. Aside from our normal crew, Ben, Angela, and a few friends from my work had shown up. Top that off with Alice's friends and you've got a downright rager.

The good thing about birthdays is that everyone wants to buy you a drink. The thing about twin birthdays is that every time your twin takes a shot, so do you. Between our sets of friends I was given six shots, two beers, and a margarita (courtesy of Emmet thinking he's a cheeky motherfucker) to hold me over.

It was enough alcohol to numb my senses, loosen my lips and suppress my inhibitions.

It was not enough to keep me from thinking of our last birthday, and how I'd opted to spend most of it with a certain brown-eyed, curly haired girl a hundred miles away.

_"Open it," Bella said, shoving a somewhat large yet neatly wrapped box into my hands._

_"B, I told you not to get me anything!" I made a face._

_"I know you said so but it's tradition! What kind of best friend would I be if I just showed up empty handed?" she smirked, grabbing her unfinished beer and leaning against the counter._

_I ripped open the package to see "A Keurig?"._

_She nodded enthusiastically and grabbed the half unwrapped box from me, setting it on the table beside a few other gifts I'd received._

_"So you don't have to use mine anymore," she explained._

_"But yours tastes so much better!" I argued, wrapping an arm around her shoulder, steering us back to the crowd in Alice's living room._

_"How do you know? You've never even tried another Keurig!"_

_"Because, its you," I said simply. "Everything is better with you."_

_She pushed me away on that note, straight into the small mass of dancing bodies, shouting something about her favorite song being on._

_"I don't want to dance!" I yelled over the music, pulling her through the crowd to the small arm chair in the living room. I collapsed in the seat, Bella giggling as I pulled her down with me. She settled on my lap and draped her legs over the arm._

_"I don't even know half of these people," I shook my head. "Like that guy. Who is that? Alice and I were arguing over who invited him. Neither of us know him."_

_Bella just laughed harder. Her cheeks were tinged red and her dimple was on full display as she__ brought her lips closer to my ear, "Let's get out of here then. I would kill for a burrito."_

_We found a food truck a few blocks walking distance from the party. Bella wanted to order the entire menu ( "B, slow down. I only have twenty bucks in my pocket.") but we ended up settling for a California style burrito and 4 chicken tacos to share. _

_"Curbside roach coach. Living the high life," I chuckled. My attempt to stuff half a taco in my mouth only led to most of the ingredients falling out and Bella snorting salsa up her nose on accident._

_We laughed until our eyes watered._

I shook my head a little, my vision swimming, my body feeling loose.

My ears perked up at the end of a speech that Ben was currently slurring. "Cheers to another beautiful year of friendship," he chimed, raising his half empty glass of red wine (because he's a classy douchebag now) and tipping it against whoever else had their glass in reach.

My phone chirped in my pocket and I startled, twitching slightly at the sensation.

_Happy Birthday :)_

I stared at the text for ages, frowning.

It was a group message to Alice and I from Bella.

"What's up? You're looking at your phone like it personally offended you," Rose joked from beside me, nodding to my hand.

I mumbled that it was nothing as I slipped the phone onto the table.

_Sorry I couldn't be there,_ the screen flashed again.

Rose's gaze lingered on the screen and she looked back up to me, eyebrows stitched together.

"You gonna get that?"

I wanted to tell her no, that I wasn't going to let Bella ignore me for five months and then drop to my knees the second she came calling again. I wanted to say that the unanswered apology text I sent to her after the wedding didn't matter. Wanted to say that Bella's refusal to answer any of my calls over the past few months hadn't crushed me.

I wanted to say that I wasn't that weak. I wasn't that gone over her.

But I was, so I responded, with a _Thx_ and waited all night for a response that I knew wasn't coming. I went to a club with everyone afterwards and I stayed until I was sober, then drunk, then sober again.

And I never stopped thinking about Bella. I never do, almost like I can't. And her birthday text wasn't making it easy for me to tune her out.

* * *

><p><em><strong>August<strong>_

"I'm not doing this," I glared at Alice.

"Edward, come on! My friend needs the clinic hours and you need a therapist," she whined.

"What am I even supposed to talk about? I don't know what to say," I argued, rooting myself to the ground as Alice pushed at my back, steering me towards the door.

"Maybe you could start with your messed up psyche, to start," she quipped.

"I'm fine," I replied, earning me a pair of raised eyebrows in return.

"You're fine?" she asked and I nodded. "That totally explains why you haven't been yourself since everything. . ."

"I've been fine. We didn't even make it close to the delivery so I didn't exactly have time to get invested or anything," I lied.

"No, of course not," she said disbelievingly. "If it's not the baby then it has to be Bella."

"I told you, I'm fine Al. Seriously, don't worry about it."

She hmmmd and stopped pushing at me.

"What?" I asked guardedly.

She looked thoughtful for a moment, "I just think it's really interesting that when you and Bella usually fight, you won't shut up about it. You'll talk to anyone who'll listen, but this time. . . this time you haven't even mentioned her, even though she's been gone for _months. _That's how I know something is really wrong."

I pretended that her theory _wasn't_ spot on, shaking my head.

"I'm trying to be mature about things, for a change. She's happy, I can deal with that."

If her gaze could inflict damage, I was sure I'd be in a world of pain right now.

"I'm not talking about that stuff with a total stranger," I continued. "So what other suggestions do you have?

"Just talk about anything. All I talked about on my first session was my schedule."

I huffed, resisting less now.

"It's just awkward. I don't want to tell a complete stranger about whatever problems I'm having."

"Please Edward?" she begged, clasping her hands and making a ridiculous puppy face that was too damn pathetic to say no to.

I hung my head in submission, "Fine, but only this once," I told her.

Oddly enough, after one session with Al's therapist, I was on the hunt for one of my own.

Turns out I wasn't as broken as I thought.

* * *

><p><em><strong>September<strong>_

"Finally," Jasper yelled from across the court, his hair plastered to his forehead and shirt already soaked with the sweat of three pick up games. Emmett looked over from his spot on the floor and nodded by way of greeting.

"Sorry," I said as I stuck my phone into my gym bag. "I got held up at work. This damn website is a nightmare."

Jasper tossed the ball at me, "Yada yada yada, no work talk. Let's play some ball."

The three of us had been playing pick up games every Thursday night at the gym for a month now, ever since Alice's therapist friend had suggested I use a positive outlet to release excess energy. Basketball had always been a fun thing I did with the guys, but now it was one of the highlights of my week.

We were just starting into another game when Emmett and Jasper had tapped out ("_Jasper, let me sit out, I'm literally dying_," Emmett had said). After the second game I joined them on the sidelines, watching the rest of the group of random guys run the next game.

"That'll teach you not to start without me," I joked at Emmett as he massaged a cramp out of his calf.

"You were an hour late."

"Still should've waited," I jabbed, leaning back onto the wall. Just then I caught sight of a mop of red hair in a messy bun atop a girl on a treadmill.

Emmett followed my line of vision and released a low whistle.

"Go for it," he coached, jutting his chin in the girl's direction.

"Nah," I said, sinking further into my slouch on the floor.

"You're waiting around for nothing. You know that, right? You know that she's not coming back."

I gawked at Emmett's outburst. Jasper just sat uncomfortably between us, looking like he was waiting for the ground to swallow him whole.

"Where the hell did that come from?" I asked, craning my neck to get sight of that girl again.

"You've been off your game lately," Jasper winced, like this definitely wasn't the place to be talking about this.

"More like you've been moping after Bella," Emmett snorted.

I scowled.

"Shut up. You don't know shit about the whole Bella thing so just drop it."

If Emmett was surprised by my tone he didn't let it show.

"Like hell I don't know shit-"

"Guys, chill," Jasper warned.

"- about you and Bella. Sorry to break it to you but it's been months. She's done with us, man, so just get the hell over it and stop letting her walk all over you."

"She's not walking all over me. I haven't even talked to her."

"Exactly! You _haven't talked to her," _he stressed.

His tone was angry, his eyes hard. Bella had no idea that she was ruining the support system she'd built. Emmett hardly ever got mad about anything, but when he was, it was hard to cozy back up to him.

"Wait," I paused. "She hasn't been talking to you either?"

"Not since the wedding," Emmett frowned.

"You know how she is sometimes, she likes being alone," Jasper reasoned, one part of me agreeing with him while another _horrible_ part of me taking pleasure in the fact that Bella was at least being fair with her attention now.

"She always comes back though," I found the words tumbling out of my mouth despite myself.

"I literally couldn't care less if she came back," Emmett glowered. "You don't run away from the people who care about you. You don't do that to the people you love."

"Sometimes it's easiest to hurt the people you love," Jasper supplied. "I mean, you know that no matter what you throw at them they'll still love you."

Emmett fumed momentarily before standing up, "That's not an excuse. I'm gonna hit some weights if either of you care to come."

We watched his retreat to the gym before Jasper spoke up again.

"She'll come back."

I wanted to say that I really hoped so.

I just shrugged instead, pulling out my phone to see if there were any missed messages.

I guess my "Happy Birthday" text to Bella was going to go unanswered, too.

* * *

><p><em><strong>October<strong>_

Since middle school Halloween had always been this thing between Bella and I. Even though we weren't talking this year, it was still my favorite and I wasn't going to have my fun ruined. Which brings me to this point, where I'm standing in the middle of a party Rose dragged me to, trying my best to chat with a leggy blonde dressed as a slutty scarecrow.

"So, Lucy, do you like scary movies?"

She shook her head, her pink, over-glossed lips pursed. "Ew no! I hate scary movies, and I don't understand why people like them."

The edge of my mouth quirked.

"Oh, come on. Scary movies aren't that bad, they're just make believe."

She shook her head again sternly.

"Doesn't matter. My mom always says that watching scary movies is the quickest way to open your mind up to unholy persuasion. No, thank you."

_Really?_

_No._

_Just no._

* * *

><p><em><strong>December<strong>_

My New Year's Eve 2014 was spent at home, guilting myself over Bella's accident. Alice vowed to make sure New Year's Eve 2015 was epic, which more or less meant I'd have a hard time remembering what I'd done the night before.

"Let's do something fun," Alice exclaimed to the room.

"Your type of fun usually involves me getting black out drunk," Jasper groaned and the rest of us nodded earnestly.

Alice was a party animal.

She clapped excitedly and said, "You're absolutely right, and tonight is no different. We've all been so busy, we deserve a night to let loose, celebrate the new year!"

Which is how I ended up stuck between a slurring Rose and a handsy Emmett in the back seat of an Uber.

"Dude, that's _my_ leg," I said, horrified. Emmett looked sheepish for a moment before mumbling an apology, pulling his hand back like it'd been set on fire.

"And if anyone passes out I'm leaving them at the club," I said loudly, pushing Emmett and Rose apart again. These two acted like they can't function unless they're touching, which is why I was elected to sit between them in the first place.

Apparently I was not enough of a deterrent.

When we got to the club, I didn't even notice the end of the year slipping by. Midnight showed up before my brain could register what was happening, and I was kissing a brunette stranger covered in body paint.

I woke up with a pounding headache and no memory of the night before. I could hear someone arguing from another room and I could smell some type of general breakfast deliciousness cooking somewhere in the vicinity.

After winning out a hard fought battle with my eyelids, I recognized Emmett's apartment.

Thank god I ended up somewhere familiar.

"You're awake," Emmett chirped, dropping a bowl of oatmeal on the table as I stumbled into the room. I noticed the clock on the stove behind him said it was after twelve noon.

"Shhh!" Rose whispered harshly, slung over the couch with a pair of sunglasses on and her hoodie pulled over her head tightly. I would've laughed if everything on my body wasn't pulsing in pain.

"Don't get pissed at me because you get hangovers and I don't," Emmett chuckled, flipping a few sausages into the bowl also.

"Dude, what the hell is this?" I croaked, grimacing through squinted eyes. I needed a pair of glasses like Rose.

"It's sausage and oatmeal. It's my favorite thing to eat after I get hammered. Oh," he stopped, setting a pitcher of water in front of me, "and drink up. You're probably dehydrated after you and Rose drank out half of the bar last night by yourselves."

"Rose," I croaked. _Why?_

"Shhh!" was her only response. She groaned and flipped into the crook of the couch.

"She'll be fine, won't you babe?" He yelled, earning a tortured moan from the curled up ball that was his girlfriend.

I spent the rest of the day lounging around his place, playing words with friends and trying not to puke at the slightest of movements. The will to move finally struck around four that afternoon, when I trudged back to my apartment to get ready for dinner. My first stop was the shower, the next was my computer to check the damage I'd done to my bank account, and the last was a grocery store to pick up Sparkling Apple Cider because I'd be damned if I brought alcohol and let Alice talking me into another drinking match with Rose.

Bella was the first thing I noticed when I made it to dinner, where she, Alice, and Jasper all greeted me with tentative smiles and guilty expressions.

Well shit.

I should've brought wine.


	20. twenty

**Characters borrowed from S. Meyer**

Twenty

**Bella**

I spent a year in Bellingham.

For the first time in my life I lived in a place that I wasn't familiar with. I met people I hadn't known since birth and tried things that I'd never tried before. I visited places I never cared for, dated guys I'd never met and had no intention calling back, took up bikram yoga (Rose would be so proud), balayaged my hair, and took that promotion at work. All good things.

_"This is your office. It's probably not as big as some other firms but I think you'll find it pretty comfortable."_

_I dropped my stuff onto the small glass desk and looked around the room. It was simple, a little smaller than my last office, but it had more natural light and more privacy so that was a plus._

_"It's great, thank you," I smiled at Clara, one of Grey Leaf's account managers, technically my direct boss. She seemed nice enough, with her crystal blue eyes and a smile that covers half her face._

_She beamed at me and ushered me into the hallway, "Darren will be here in a minute to get your IT sorted out but for the time being let me introduce you to everyone."_

Getting to know everyone in the office wasn't hard. Grey Leaf was a relatively small firm, so there were only a handful of people I had to get to know. Like Alba, the intern from WWU, Jeremy, Grey Leaf's very own accounting guru, along with a several other people whose names I'd already forgotten by the time I made it back to my office.

I started therapy, just a handful of free sessions with an old friend of my mom, Dr. Rayford. He encouraged me to forgive myself and let go of the guilt I'd been holding onto over losing a baby. Everyday I worked on coming to terms with my loss and clearing my head.

I tried to spend as much time away from home as I could to get the most out of exploring the town. My apartment was nice enough. It was definitely bigger than my place in Seattle, if only slightly older. The building I lived in only had four units, which were occupied by two small families, myself, and our landlord, a guy who inherited the building from his grandfather a few years back. An extremely attractive guy, according to my neighbor's teenaged daughter, a sixteen year old who complimented my couch when I moved in and followed me around the complex in the name of boredom.

_"His ass, Bella. It's a work of art. You have to see it for yourself," she wooed one day a few weeks after I'd moved in, on a trip out to the mailbox._

_"I'm sure he has a great butt, Vic, but a guy is literally the last thing I need in my life right now," I argued, flipping through the small stack of letters._

_Junk._

_Junk._

_Bill._

_Flyer for pet adoption._

_Junk._

_Magazine, ooh._

_Junk._

_"Trust me, Ryan is the kind of guy you make room for in your life. If you saw him you'd agree with me."_

_"I have seen him," I argued, but that was only half true. We hadn't given each other more than a passing glance."He was here to pick up rent checks yesterday."_

_"You've seen him Bella but you haven't really_ seen_ him. Those eyes. . ."_

_"If you think he's so great why won't you date him?" I quipped and her nose turned up._

_"First of all, he's like a thousand years old."_

_"He's twenty seven! And I'm turning twenty six, does that make me old too?"_

_"Ancient," she smiled, popping her gum and kicking at the rocks in the gravel._

_I glared at her playfully and waved her off before heading back to my unit. "I'm heading back inside. Don't you have a sandbox to be exploring right now?"_

_She rolled her eyes, her grin growing wider._

_"Haha, very funny. I get it, I'm a little kid. Let me see that magazine," she said. I handed it over without a second thought, already tearing through the credit card bill I'd received._

_"You should totally get your hair done like this," Victoria urged after a while, dropping a magazine onto my kitchen table._

_"Aren't you supposed to be meeting your friends somewhere?"_

_"Nope," she scoffed, sliding her backpack to the floor and assuming the seat across from me. "Plus, I saw you hanging out by yourself outside like a loner so I thought I'd come say hi."_

_"I'm not a loner, I was reading. It's not really a group activity," I retorted, focusing on the picture of the overly excited girl in_ Cosmo._ She ignored my words and dropped her gaze to the magazine, too._

_"It's balayage," she nodded towards the picture. "You should try it. Everyone's been doing it, and lord knows you need an update."_

_"Shut up, I know what balayage is. My hair is fine."_

_"Yeah, for the old Bella. New and improved Bella needs an upgrade."_

_"Are you always this involved in your neighbor's lives? I bet you don't know what the old guy from apartment A is up to."_

_She heaved a huge sigh and dropped her head back, "It gets boring around here. Plus a little poking around never hurt anyone. So what happened?"_

_"Who says something happened?"_

_"People from the city don't move to Bellingham for fun, Bella. Something happened."_

_"I got a promotion," I said, diverting my gaze. She looked less than convinced._

_"A miscarriage," I said after a lengthy pause. I was hoping she'd let it go if I just ignored it but she was still staring at me when I looked back at her. "And a breakup, I guess? It's hard to tell, the dad and I weren't exactly a cookie cutter couple. And I kind of left my friends and family because I needed space. Need space, I mean."_

_"Oh," she stills, her eyes going wide. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry. Shit, that's kind of heavy," she chuckled humorlessly, pushing the magazine towards me. "This'll help. Just do a little something, it'll make you feel better. Shake off some old cobwebs."_

_I looked thoughtfully at the picture. "Balayage huh? I'll think about it. I don't know how I feel about taking fashion advice from a little trickster like you."_

_She feigned offense, clutching her hand to her chest, "Trickster? Why, I never -"_

_"I saw what you did to the Tomlinson's kid. Poor guy'll be picking silly string out of his hair for a week."_

_"Ok so maybe I've got a touch of trickster in me, but I'm not lying about this. You'd look great," she said on her retreat to the door, a genuine smile on her face. __"And call Ryan!"_

I started hiking (because that's all anyone ever does in Bellingham) and took to buying my groceries from the farmer's market every week. I rode my bike and read more than I ever had.

I was in touch with myself.

I was fine.

But I wasn't, because after everything I'd done, something was still missing. I didn't realize what it was until the wedding, where I felt a clarity that I hadn't had in years. A clarity that showed me that the people I ran away from were the people who made me the happiest, and that all the space in the world wouldn't satisfy me unless I had someone to come back to afterwards. Sure, I'd talked to them every once in a while, through texts and social media, but not nearly as much as I before.

Seeing Edward at the wedding had been _hard_, harder than ignoring his texts and calls, because in person it was all too easy for me to fall back into routine with him. And then he touched me and it felt better than anything had felt in the past couple of months. He felt like home, even with the smallest of interactions, and I was reminded of exactly why I couldn't be around him. It would be impossible to figure out who I was as an individual. He could pull me back in with the smallest touch or the faintest smile, and I couldn't let myself be enchanted by it. There was still too much of me that needed work.

It was hard, but I did it because I needed to.

And then it was June, and he and Alice turned twenty six, and I had missed it.

_"That's not weird, right?"_

_"It's totally weird."_

_"Stop it, Alba. Bella, it's not weird," Clara ground out, throwing a put off look towards her._

_Clara's cues were missed and Alba continued, "Why are you even texting these people? I thought the whole reason you left was to get away from them. Doesn't this kind of defeat the purpose?"_

_"I wasn't trying to get away from them, I'm trying to be my own person and figure out who I am."_

_"That's stupid."_

_"Alba!" cried Clara._

_"It sounds like you ran away," Alba continued._

_Clara smacked her forehead with her palm and grabbed Alba's shoulders "Why don't you go finish the press schedule, hmm?"_

_She rolled her eyes and dragged her feet (in true intern fashion) and left Clara and I to our privacy._

_"Sorry about that," Clara grimaced, "I told you about her Autism, right? She's high functioning but sometimes she can be a little abrasive."_

_"No, it's fine. She's perfect the way she is," I said as I waved her off. "And she's right. Can't be mad at her for pointing out the truth, even if I'm lying to myself."_

_"Well, I don't think it's weird," Clara said, collecting her papers from the copy machine and stacking them neatly into a pile. "I think it's nice. This is the perfect time to reconnect with your friends again."_

_"I'm not trying to reconnect, I'm just wishing them a happy birthday," I said as I punched out the text with my thumbs._

_"Right," she said, disbelievingly. "Well whatever it is, it's a step in the right direction."_

Happy Birthday :)_, I typed, my finger hovering over the send button. __As an afterthought I added, _Sorry I couldn't be there_._

_A few minutes later, I had a response._

Thanks babe :) We miss you,_ Alice's message had read. _

_Thx_, was all that came as Edward's reply, and it _stung_. I mean, I get that even those three tiny letters were more than I deserved after the way I'd been treating him, but it was so different from what he used to send. Long texts about what he was doing that day, of how he missed me and hoped I was ok. Now it was this, an obligatory response with nothing else added.

I didn't even realize how sad I was about missing out on their birthday until I saw the pictures.

One of Alice and Edward hugging, one of everyone at dinner, Ben and Angela included. A snap of everyone crammed into a booth in some seedy nightclub in Downtown where Alice is sitting on Emmett's lap and Rose is draped over Edward. Jasper is holding the camera just far enough out to catch everyone's face, his arm taking up half of the frame.

They all looked happy.

And then something happened, and I couldn't go home. I couldn't force myself back into everyone's lives after pulling the crap I did to get out. I lost my nerve, and six months turned into nine months which turned into a year, and then it just seemed easier to stay gone.

There were people in Bellingham, all perfectly nice and welcoming, accommodating even. But they weren't _my_ people.

Then the holidays came and I got tired of forcing myself to stay away. My parents had been urging me to come home for Christmas and Alice was begging to see me, so I drove straight past Seattle and spent a week with my parents. We savored all of our holiday traditions, visited every person in Forks, and never once mentioned Edward or the baby. My dad alluded to the accident once, when he was assessing the durability of my car.

"_Just making sure it's decent quality this time," he said, kicking one of the tires on the Altima. _

_"It's fine dad, just like my last one," I grumbled._

_"I know, kiddo, that's what makes it even worse. There's no telling with these new cars nowadays. Is it too unrealistic for me to say that no one in this family should ever drive another car, ever?" _

I saw Jake for the first time since the hospital, when he came to visit with a teddy bear and an edible arrangement. We never talked about our missed "date", not that it would have led anywhere. He told me about his new girlfriend, how she's a pisces and loves dogs and studies law at UDub. He seemed happy, which made me happy. There was no need to bring up what never happened.

I left Forks for Seattle on New Years day, stuffed to the brim with holiday eats and toting a fresh load of laundry.

Alice flipped out when she answered the door, Jasper in tow, smiling from ear to ear.

I'd spent the better part of a year pulling myself together, learning to be happy with who I'd discovered myself to be. I learned that my emotions weren't a burden, that I was allowed to share them and not feel guilty about it. I was allowed to grow attached to the life I'd created and mourn the loss. I was allowed to take a break from everything to find myself, meet new people and let go of the rut I'd dug myself into. I didn't have to seek anyone's approval or feel bad about disappointing someone. I was allowed to do what made me happy.


End file.
